Last Of 2014

I can't really comprehend the fact that it's almost 2015.

Where I am right now, it's only about 40 minutes away before 2014 comes to an end. And to be completly honest, I'm feeling pretty sad right now. I probably won't be able to finish this post before midnight, because I started writing this post so late, but I really hope that I'm able to finish this before the last second strikes.

2014 for me is a year full of endings and new beginnings. I'd changed a lot during this year, and I'm not going to be overly nostalgic in this post, but I feel like I've grown up. At least a little.

Two huge exams in a row made me fumble through everything in 2014 so quickly without really stop and stare, or have a moment to really appreciate the year. I feel like time has gone by without my knowing, and when I finally came to my senses, it's already the end of December.

I'd been through a lot of mood swings and hardships. Accomplished a lot of things, and also made a lot of mistakes I can never undo.

I was terrible to a really close friend, but I'm glad that in the end she still accepts me and forgives me and loves me in a way I really don't deserve. I'm really glad that she stands by me. I think both of us grew up a lot, and accepted the fact that we'd both changed. But still... I'm glad we cleared things up and still able to be friends.

Also, this year, my dad finally got a stable job after being jobless for two years. The pay isn't high, but that's better than nothing. I mean, beggars can't be choosers, right?

I also bid goodbye to a lot of things in my life, and I'm going to head on to a new journey. 

I bid goodbye to my secondary school (or high school, if you prefer) life (I still can't believe that five years just blew me by and gone like that), my piano lessons and the old, naive me I reflected through my old journals. *CRINGE*

Surprisingly, I also did stuffs that made myself proud this year. 

I won a prize in the National Chinese Creative Writing Competition, which was so unexpected because I thought there's no way in hell I'd get into it. But I did, amazingly, and my friends and family are so proud of me. It's also a miracle, and it totally gained my confidence back in writing. Well, a little.

Also, I finally pulled out the guts to do YouTube videos, which was a huge step for a coward like me. And there're actually people watching and like my song and my singing, which is amazing. There're people who left kind comments and talked to me about writing songs and all. It's unbelievable.

I'm not terribly excited to meet 2015 as I'm going to leave home and go fight dragons (ie college life) on my own, without my mom by my side. Also, I'm going to turn 18 next year in April, which also notes that I'm not that little kid anymore. I'm going to be an adult and be responsible for myself.

Despite that, I really hope that I can be a better person next year, and continue to live my dreams and be what I really wanted to be: a successful person in life.

I just wanna live up to my expectations. I don't wanna be a billionaire, or be a person with an IQ of 300000; I just wanna be me. The me that enjoy in doing whatever she likes to do, happy in everything in life, or make a joke out of everything so that she can move on better.

I'm not ready for 2015, but I'm sure it's going to be another exciting thus epic year.

I just hope that I can survive through it without a major cardiac arrest. Hahaha.

So, I guess this is the final goodbye of the year. 

2014, you suck with last year of secondary school and terrible examinations, but I'll miss you so, so much. I don't regret anything I'd done this year that made me the person I'm today.

Goodbye.

Blank Space Cover by ME

Got up today with sore throat and sheer determination to do another video before 2014 ends.

Here's how things turn out. 

xx

Christmas Present to ME.

If you guys remember, I once kept blabbering on about wanting to do a YouTube video on my original song. And yes, I did it. 

It's nerve-wrecking actually, but I told myself to pull myself together and said if I didn't do it, I won't do this, for, like, ever in my entire life. So I did. And as I predicted, I did have a lot of second thoughts and regretted just after I posted the video online.

It isn't my best, I must admit. But the only way to share my song is me singing it and I'm not the best singer ever. So it kinda ruin my song a little but the song is my child and you can never, ever hate your own babies. 

I did this by convincing myself that this is a Christmas present for myself and well, the fact that no one (apart from my friends and family) will watch it also eases some of my nervousness. 

I sincerely hope I won't regret this later in life though. 

*CRINGE*

Anyway, just in case you happened to flip through my blog or something, here's a link for you to watch my video.

http://youtu.be/DTFV-wkga7o

I hope you guys enjoy it. 

xx

(ps: Merry Christmas!!)

2014 Favorites (Book Edition)

I figure I can do something I never done before in this blog, so I think I can do a 2014 Favorites: Book Edition since I'm such a bookworm (NERD) and share with you guys a couple of books I'm loving this year. 

Compare to previous years, I read lesser books in 2014 because I didn't really have the time to sit down and chill out on the couch with my books. I can only afford to spend ten to thirty minutes a day on my novels this year but that's better than no time at all for books, right?

Books to me are air and water and food. It's an essential in my life, a fixture I can't alter in any way. That's why I need to read at least a few pages of them a day. That's like an apple a day, keeps the doctor away; but this is a book a day, keeps the loneliness away. 

Without further ado, here is my list of books I love in 2014:

The Hunger Games Trilogy

My friends read this series for like, ages ago. I know, I'm really late on this train, but that doesn't mean that I enjoy this series lesser than the next person--I just didn't have any time for reading a trilogy before so I let it stayed in my bookshelf for almost half a year. In fact, it got me so engaged in the story line till my mom had to literally force me to move around because I was slumping on the couch reading these awesome books. 

I guess I don't have to explain any of the plot or anything since most of the people around the globe has already read this series, or at least watch the movie version of these. I didn't watch the movie version though, just because I hate to watch a movie based on books before I read the books. I don't know, just that sometimes the films sort of ruin the plot of the books, but you can't blame them because they have to squeeze the whole book into a 2 hour film. 

But I sincerely doubt that I'll ever pick up these three books ever again in my entire life. Not that I hate it or anything, but that the story line is so oddly depressing that it weaved its way into my nightmares, and trust me when I say throughout the two days I read this series (yes, I finished these three books in two days) I was so terrified that I was going to be in the story with Katniss. And also, I was devastated like the others when Finnick died. 

That's how engaged I was in the story. Eep!

Confession of a Jane Austen Addict & Rude Awakenings of a Jane Austen Addict

I only just read these books a few days ago, and I'm seriously in love with them! 

I might as well admit I bought these two books because of their lovely covers, but of course I read the back synopsis before I made the decision to purchase. I bought these two books at a fairly cheap price: each one is only RM8! 

Both books are very interesting, with humor and tons of surprise in them. The story is about two women from different times woke up after hitting their heads and find themselves in a stranger's body. It's downright hilarious, especially the second book because Jane Mansfield from 19th century wakes up in Courtney Stone's body in the 21st century and is thrown in a world she has never ever experience in her life.

Though I must admit that the ending of the first book is quite confusing, but the second sort of clear all that up. Truly, I'm really confused and frustrated at first, struggling to understand the ending. But I eventually decided that the author probably wrote the ending like that so we can assumed our own endings. I'm still a little confused by now, but I think I might sort that out when I read the books for a second or a third time.

The Girl In The Park

I thought this book is a ghost story until I read the synopsis. So much for an assumption! It's not (of course) a ghost story, and it's nowhere near that. I just assumed from the tittle (which sounds a little eerie) and the cover (ditto). I have never ever heard of the author, but nonetheless, it was a total bargain at RM5 with an intriguing synopsis so I bought it without a second thought.

It is worth it in the end. I enjoy the story a lot and I like how the author weaves suspicion throughout the whole novel. The story is about a girl who was found dead in a park and the mystery about her mysterious death. Rain, her ex-best friend has become determined to find out the truth about her friend's death but the truth is just so surprising. The one I least suspect is actually the killer. 

There are issues about bullying and high-school thingy in this particular book and I really like how the author actually explored these sensitive but important themes in our lives. 

How To Fall In Love

Hands down. This is the sweetest book I've read this year. The story line is engaging, romantic and heart-breaking at the same time. You'll understand me if you're a huge fan of Cecelia Ahern or you had read any of her books, and you'll know that she's one hell of a storyteller. 

This story is about a woman named Christine who only has two weeks to make an almost-jumping-off-the-bridge-man Adam falls in love with his own life. Her life isn't at its peak, his neither. That's what make the story interesting and touching as I can go through the highs and downs with their messed-up lives. And also, who can miss out the budding romance?

I just love, love, love this book.

Plain Truth

This is by far one of the best books I've ever read in my entire life (but let's not start my love for Twilight, yes, I'm a hardcore Twilight fans. The books, though, not the movies). Once I placed it in my hands, whoa, there's no letting go until I finished the whole book. Of course I sneaked a peek at the ending beforehand, but as usual, if you don't read the book from start to the end (like Picoult's other books) you won't understand the ending. Which is why I'm so obsessed with her works.

The first book of hers I'd read is My Sister's Keeper, which is so touching that I reread it dozens of time. Then I started to search out her other works and fall in love with those as well. This one in particular is about an Amish girl who was pregnant but then lost her baby by "wishing" the baby away. She has no memory of the baby but her body says it the other way. Then she has to deal with her family, her religion and the law.

It's brilliantly written, and of course, the ending caught me off guard (as usual). 

Round of applause for this book, please.

Nineteen Minutes 

Another brilliantly written book by Jodi Picoult. As you can see from the photo above, the price is so cheap (blockbuster price, that's it) till I couldn't resist buying it. Of course I bought it because Jodi Picoult's one of my favorite author, like I mentioned before.

This book explores the theme of bullying and fitting-in, you know, the usual type of thing in high school (not in my country... or at least my school, I think). It's exciting and exhilarating. I read Salem Falls before this one (also by Jodi Picoult) and the attorney, Jordan, is present in both novels. However, I like this one better compared to the other. Of course there's no connection between two books so you can read them separately.

Peter, who is a teenager who was bullied for no reason since he was a kid and who lived under his brother's shadow until his brother died, got to school one day and shoot ten people dead in school and wounded others. The most important witness (who is also a judge's daughter) lost her memory on the shooting. 

The story is mind blowingly good. The ending once again surprised me--shocked me, even--and I was reluctant to put the book down when it's finished. 

That is how good the book really is.

Okay. That is all. I know this is such a long post but I enjoy this thoroughly. I guess this is the perk of being a nerd aka bookworm.

I hope this won't bore you too much if you're skipping all those to the ending. Ha-ha.

Till next time, peeps.

(and yes, if you notice, I'm using center alignment for the first time)

Christmas and Thoughts

To state the downright obvious: It's almost Christmas time. My house, as usual, is devoid of those cute Christmas decorations aka fairy lights and socks and rags and old fashioned sweaters. We have a tiny little Christmas tree though, and of course, the paper Christmas tree up there. Oh, and an old Christmas ring hangs in front of the master bedroom. But that's all.

Not that our family don't take Christmas seriously, but my mom doesn't see any point of wasting a bunch of money for decorations. I guess I'm with her, but on the other hand, I'm a little obsessed with fairy lights. Not that I own any of those, but I literally melt on the inside whenever I saw tons and tons of fairy lights in shops or streets or malls.

For me (and for my brother, I learned that today), Christmas feels like the last day of December. It's like a thought since I was a little girl, so I guess it's hard to change this kind of nostalgic feeling that 2014 is almost over soon.

Before my horrible two examinations, I wished that time could pass by faster but right now I just hope everything can slow down to a pause. Christmas is like the last huge event of this year and after that, BAM, it's 2015. And let me translate that to you: college.

Yes, I'll be hopping off to college for less than a month. Previously when I was so caught up with my examinations, I hardly have the time to think about how soon I'm leaving this town behind for college until I finished all examinations and was left with leisure, that fact hit me real hard in the guts.

So Christmas is like my last big thing before I leave and go live in a big city where I don't think I'm sophisticated enough to fit in, let alone survive. Thankfully, I'm not the only outcast who's going for January intake; I have a couple of friends going with me and one close friend (who constantly annoys the hell out of me lol).

But I guess it won't be the same anymore, not living at home. This sounds a little sentimental but why on earth I decided to go on college so early when everyone is having fun or work and miss out my brother's growth spurt? He could be even taller and (hopefully not) a stranger to me when I got back only once in a while. And my mom, I'm like one of her very little friends she can talk to. What will happen when I'm gone?

I'm sure we'll talk to each other on phones and video calls and all that. Just that, it feels terrifying to be living alone so soon. It feels like it will only happen in far future to me when in reality it's only a few weeks left. I kinda resent myself for rushing to college so soon, and go on to an intake where all the brainiacs are going. I'm so stressed out till I bury myself in books and songs and you know, internet. 

I guess I'll have to enjoy this Christmas and have lots of fun with my friends and keep close with my family before doomsday (aka the day I move to the hostel). I just can't picture myself without my mom. I know, I'm such a mom's girl. So what? Sue me.

And a little out of the topic: I'm hoping to do some music soon as a Christmas present for myself, and let's see if I have the guts to put it on YouTube. Ha-ha.

To conclude this, I think it's fair to tell you guys what I really want for Christmas:

Let the time pass as slow as it can be.

Graduation

Me and my four equally crazy friends.

To be completely honest, I can't really remember how the graduation ceremony went, since it's a little over a month by now. Trust me, I totally have tons of reasons (not excuses, mind you) for not writing about it earlier. I was WAY too busy with my life (i.e.piano, college) and was sick later. 

Okay. Partly it's because I'm lazy to edit and upload these photos. These are only the photos of me and my close friends. Other than that, there're like, 300 more photos. And videos. No chance in hell I'm going to share all of those, because of the word "embarrassing". *coughs*

The so-called graduation day was the day before the actual SPM where we sat for a really boring assembly and then hugged the teachers and all and asked for forgiveness, because all we ever do were not listening to our teachers' advice and gave them major headaches. Oops.

All of us got super annoyed when the school said we couldn't bring in all our smartphones to take photos. But who cares? After that day we're not students in that school anymore. So everyone just whipped out their phones and captured away (apart from those who had DSLR cameras which looked super-pro and expensive but who cares? Since it's a tad bit weird to take selfies with those humongous cameras.) Nobody I know cried on that day. I guess it's because we're all hoping that we could finish that damn exam asap and who isn't happy to leave his/her secondary school life behind?

I guess I can be really emotional in this post but I don't feel like it. I'm really glad that I finished my five years in Convent School without any huge dramas and mind-blowing fights. And also the fact that I don't have to wear those hideous uniforms and follow all those school rules ever again in my entire life. I think the only regret I have is that I spent way too much of my time doing nothing. But still, I guess that's what secondary school is about.

I got to know quite a lot of cool people and some incredible teachers along the journey, and it's bittersweet to leave all of those behind. No more pretending to jot down the notes given, lying about homework and assignments, bitching and gossiping all day long and worry about the results after not studying.

Whoa, I'm such a bad student. Gawd.

Anyway, I don't think I can elaborate more on my graduation so here some retarded photos for you guys since they said a picture speaks a thousand words. So basically here's 12000 words or something here. Enjoy.

Failed to be a lady.

It's an effort to squeeze five of us in a selfie. #succeed

The Three Musketeers.

New canteen table (what???)

The examination hall. Okay, I took it without permission. Pre-spm, though.

I'm such a failure. No wonder my hair covered up my face.

I'm not what the card above said.

Zombie. Or not.

MY TRUE COLORS.

This is the before.

And after. Gawd.

Guess I'll see you guys next time. xoxo. 

One More Step To Freedom

Well, don't get confused by the tittle, I haven't finish both my Chinese examination and my ATCL Recital, so basically I'm like, two more steps away to freedom. Whatever, screw Chinese since I suck so majorly in it, till I have absolutely no hope in getting an A in it, let alone an A+.

I'm going to have my ATCL Recital next Friday. And yes, I'm really freaking out over it, since I'm not so "mentally" prepared. I guess days pass by really fast till I didn't realize that December is almost here and my SPM is almost over. I was almost hyperventilating when I realized how close it is to my actual piano examinations.

I'm actually starting to fantasize and planning my freedom after both nerve-wrecking examinations I'm facing right now, but the hair part is really making me dizzy. I don't know if I should dye my hair or just keep it original and boring the way it is currently. But I don't want to really freak my parents out though when I told them that I want to dye my hair blue my dad just said go ahead, and my mom didn't even bother to answer me. She just gave me a look and I knew that she thinks that I'm crazy. Right.

Also, there'll be a heck lot of reflections and new resolutions to do since this year is about to end soon. I don't know why I still jot them down every single time in my journal. It's not like I'll be able to finish my resolutions. Or I just start them and left them aside after a while. Which precisely is about three seconds. For instance, my always-fail diet scheme and building up my self-esteem or stop being lazy. Well, all of them failed every single time. Talk about embarrassing.

Other than dyeing my hair (or not), I still have to work over other things. I think that I won't exactly be free after examinations, just that, you know, free of exams. My dad is bugging me about my college application form and all that but I just don't want to deal with all those right now. My head's already crammed with my songs (those I play for my exam) and the emotions I need to project out. I feel like I'd finish a ten km marathon after playing all those songs. It's just so exhausting. I just hope that Chopin won't jump out of his grave and hit me real hard in the face with a shovel because I totally ruin his Ballade. Sorry, genius.

Anyway, I just keep telling myself that it will all be over soon. That's what keeps me holding on for so long, I think. And I basically just pretend that I don't have piano examinations next Friday.

FREEDOM PLEASE BE HERE SOON. I NEED HELP.

Chicken vs Patience

Hello, people. Yes, I'm having my SPM examinations right now, no pressure! Well, at least I don't feel pressure. Don't ask me why, I don't know. Maybe it's a part of my primal make up system that I'm not terrified of examinations. Or maybe it's just I have that particular ability to escape from reality. Huh.

Anyway, I don't feel like I'm having a huge examination right now in my life. I think I'm more concern about my ACTL examinations more than this. But still, I'm not trying to dwell on those things that'll make me really, really frustrated. My dad thought I was hilarious when I was practicing my piano but my brother thought that I was literally insane. He was just asking me something in a really nice (but annoying to me) way and I literally snapped at him, yelling profanities. Oops.

So just watch out if you see me practicing my piano, okay?

I finished my moral examination this morning and I'm quite happy that I never, ever, ever have to memorize those thirty-six moral values and their respective definitions, not to mention: key words. I'm not that good at memorizing things, and for this subject, you can't even get a single word wrong. Not a single spelling wrong. It's literally hell to me. So it technically pisses me off that I still have my history papers on Monday. Brrr.

What pushes me go on and on (not Titanic, no) is actually the thought that this is the last time ever I'm going to sit for an examination like that. Wearing school uniform with all my fellow students and in my secondary school compound. It's kinda sad in a weird way. I don't really like secondary school, to be completely honest, because everything sorta went like a huge blur and ta-da, I'm a freaking senior that graduated. But I'm going to miss it, terribly much. And I'm sure I will dedicate a whole post to my graduation (which I have so much to talk about), just wait till I'm all done with my examinations.

Now you're probably wondering what all these have to do with my tittle. No, the previous stuffs have nothing to do with my tittle. In fact, I wasn't going to write all those stuffs and moaned to you guys, but my self-nagger-instinct took over me. Tee-hee.

That first day of SPM examinations, I was having my Malay papers and feeling oh-my-god-I'm-going-to-be-free-from-this-forever and optimistic and trying to get my papers done on time, there's that annoying chicken next to my examination hall, screeching at the top of its lungs: COCKADOODLEDOO over and over and over again. It scared the hell out of me at first, almost making me dropped my pen. Then it made me forget what I was about to write the second time around.

Seriously, dear Mr. Chicken, your motive to annoy the hell out of me had succeeded. I must congratulate you on this huge achievement of yours. I hope you got eaten by that also-annoying monitor lizard soon so you won't again interrupt me during my examination.

Yes, there's not only the annoying chicken, there's also a swimming monitor lizard. I don't know if it's only me or what, but I kept hearing the swooshing sound of the drain water when the monitor lizard swam by. Or ran by, because it sounded like it was in a great hurry. Then, the chicken started to yell its head off, again.

I'm seriously torn between hitting the chicken real hard in the face and sitting quietly with my fist clenched tight in the examination hall. The latter won, of course, since I'm not physically fit enough to jump off the second floor and leap over the rusty face to catch that chicken after running after it for ten eternities.

My guess is the owner won't be too happy about it since the chicken's probably their dinner or something.

I so hate when the chicken interrupting my thoughts and I had to scribbled everything down super-fast before that damn chicken starting to screech again. I really hope that I'm able to control myself and not turn that chicken into my dinner.

Till then, goodbye peeps.

How I Deal With Stress

You may think that everything a seventeen-year-old gets are handed on a silvery plate without her breaking a sweat. That is so not true. Trust me, having my SPM closing on me so freaking soon and an ACTL examinations straight afterwards, I'm not having the time of my life. I'm having the disaster of my life. It's like Titanic and tsunami and the end of the world all roll together in one.

Yes. I know I seem like I don't really have a care. Well, it's true. For most of the time, I just don't care. But there's always that time I started to hyperventilate, thinking about how little time I actually have on my hand right now, and the stakes are so high I'm not sure I can get past through it. Self-doubting is very tiring, I'd know. 

Anyway, to distract me from all the madness going on,--and to escape reality once in a while--I find myself eating and sleeping a whole lot more than usual. I'm always hungry and no matter how many coffee I allow myself to drink, I still feel exhausted and sleepy. I realize that I'm doing things that can make me get away from studies and piano and all that. I trick myself into thinking that I still have time, and there's no need for me to force myself into military-style of studying. 

Apart from binge-eating (which is very, very unhealthy) and the sleep-cycle of a koala bear, I started to read some childhood books of mine, the books I read when I was about ten to twelve. I don't know why I do that, but I have a theory for my behavior. Maybe I'm reading back those books because I want to go back to that time (though I have depression, or something close to that at that time), the time I don't have to worry about what I'm going to be, where I'm going to go and who I really am.

I feel terribly childish reading back those storybooks (and I'm going to read back Enid Blyton's real soon) but it does make me feel a whole lot better. And I also feel like I'm devolving a little, since my book age is going backwards, ha-ha. It's like I'm reading adult fictions, to teen novels, then children bedtime stories and hopefully, the ladybird series about Peter and Jane. God, I love those books. 

Also, being stressful definitely help in song-writing. But I'm not going to say a lot about that. I haven't write in my journal for a while, but that's okay. Since I really don't have the time and there's nothing really exciting going on in my life. Just books and books and books and piano. 

Thankfully, there's a whole lot of songs coming in my way. Not my songs, the songs on the radio, I mean. And recently, Taylor Swift had a couple of singles released... and to be completely honest, I was shocked. Jaw-dropping, tongue-protruding kind of shock. The lyrics are still her, still beautiful and all, but the melody! It completely changed, and I'm still adjusting myself to this new "her", I guess.

I say music and books help me a lot in overcoming my stresses and escape from reality and all. I just hope that I can continue to stay strong and carry on. Well, at least continue this "strong" act until I finish all of my freaking exams. 

Sheesh. 

How I Actually Spend My Day

I admit. Sometimes, by odd luck, I got quite good grades in my studies. Plus, most of the girls in my class studied really hard to achieve great results (and trust me, they do get good results) and they just buried their heads in their books every single freaking day. And so, people also assumed that I'm just like them, always stuck my head into thick books and is as smart as Albert freaking Einstein (no offense).

No. No. That is so not the truth. I honestly do not spend my whole day studying history or polishing my maths skill. And no, I'm not that kind of person who actually studies at home but pretend that he or she hasn't studied a single shit and still get straight A-plus. No. 

I do actually study, just that I don't study quite as frequently as the others because I'm the laziest person I've ever known in the entire universe. I only study before exams (mostly the night before, and cursing myself every single time why on earth I didn't study earlier) and I hardly study after exams, because I'm giving myself a "break". A terribly long one, I guess. 

But nobody really believes in me when I told them I didn't study on my daily basis. I don't really know why, or maybe it's that my okay grades misleading them, as usual. I'm not saying that I have terrific results or anything, but it's pretty okay for someone as lazy as me. But that doesn't save me from all the sarcastic comments like, "then you must be so smart, aren't you?" and "it's impossible! you must be lying!" and stuff. Gawd, this is so frustrating. 

So, to clear things off, I've decided to write this post. 

*READ THIS WITH YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN AND STOP ASKING WHY AND HOW*

Sunday to Thursday: 

1. Well, they're all school days (major yikes). I wake up late and struggle to get ready for school in ten minutes, then reach school. 
2. Do whatever I want to in school (write songs, journal, sleep, gossiping around) and pay attention on some occasion.
3. Get home and eat for two hours straight (no joke), take a bath and fool around with my piano (mostly to test the songs I write in school).
4. Watch whatever show that's on the TV and then have my dinner.
5. Shoot off to tuition and get back home and continue to watch TV or read the newspaper and novels.
6. Sleep.

That's basically it. As for the weekends...

Friday:

Friday is the worst day of my entire week.

1. I have literature class in the morning, so I obviously can't sleep in, though it's officially the weekend of the state I'm living in.
2. After bearing through literature class (because I tend to be grumpy when I'm sleepy), I have to get back home and practice my piano, which is the worst thing ever. 
3. Wait forever for my mom to get back so I can have my lunch and continue to thunder on my piano keys.
4. Get to piano lessons then rush back home for dinner and prepare for my chemistry tuition at night.
5. Bear through the tuition and go home to watch TV (the only thing I look forward to).
6. Sleep.

Saturday:

1. Wake up a little bit late, and go to church for youth (but sometimes I tend to skip).
2. Eat lunch.
3. Read some novels and watch TV.
4. Get ready for church at night.
5. Argue on what to eat for dinner and reach church.
6. Finish church and as usual, watch TV.

There. That's what I normally do on my daily basis. Saturday's the most boring day but Friday's the longest. I can't believe how useless I am, wasting every precious second of my day either doing crap or watching crap. Oh my gawd. 

I should do resolutions and self-reflections and all that. I'm the worst human being alive on earth. Brrrrrrrrrr.

But with SPM breathing down my neck (NEXT MONTH OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO PUKE), I guess I should start studying. I mean, honestly, if I wreck my results later, I'll kill myself. Metaphorically, of course. 

And so, I'm going to end this now. I really need to study. Or attempt to study. So that I won't feel so damn guilty about not studying.

Ciao.

Frustrated

As you can see, my mood of the day right now is: FRUSTRATED.

Today I went to school (I ditched school yesterday, to stay at home to accompany my brother... or to get some more sleep) and I got to talk to Sylvia, a lot. 'Cause our add maths teacher was absent today, and we're too lazy to actually bother to study, so we started talking and talking and talking. Yep, there's a lot of talking. 

It was all that talking that made me realize that I haven't got over my mood thing, to be real. It's still here inside of me, rolling and waiting for a time for its reappearance, which I'm not so jubilant about. I started to talk about my problems and my frustrations and she added in hers. I can say I'm really glad that we talked (for a solid three period), because I've been stuffing a lot of emotions in here, and it's really awful. I mean, yes, I get to write down in here and in my journal and songs, but it isn't the same, talking to a human being. It gives me the release I want. 

I felt so bad. And so disgusted with myself. Like I said before, I've changed a lot this year, and me and a close friend got further apart and I felt terribly awful about it. It was because I was sort of bullied before when I was younger, and I know exactly how it feels like being abandoned. And of course I wouldn't want to hurt any other person the same way. It's torturing me on the inside, and I felt so empty and my head felt like it's literally bursting. I couldn't bring myself to fake like I'm all okay. I just couldn't. 

I talked about it to Sylvia, and I'm relieved that she understands my frustrations and took my rambling in calmly. I knew Syl since seven, when we got in the same class during Year 1 in primary school. We know each others for like, eleven years by now. And sure, we have our ups and downs, and a few fights and constant competitions and all that. But beside my family, she's the one who knows me the most. I can trust her not to betray my secrets, and I know she's always on my side. It feels really glad to know that at least one person can understand your frustrations and all. 

I can't believe this, but I'm actually fighting with tears right now. I'm just so damn emotional right now. (Sorry Syl, I'll try to be positive)

Recently, I can't really tell my mom how I feel. I'm afraid that I'll freak her out or something. Instead, I settle down for Wesley, who actually has the patience to listen to me and shut up for once (trust me, that's a miracle), and comforted me and all. Although he really annoys the hell out of me for most of the time, I'm really glad that he's my brother. (Aww... schmuck)

But it isn't the same as talking to my mother. She's always my rock and my most attentive listener. I'd always told her everything and anything about me, my school life, my feelings and all that whatnot. But she just doesn't get it why I'm feeling all so frustrated. In her opinion, I'm over thinking things. Sotong said the same thing before, but I think she got it now. At least a little. 

Yes, I'm dramatic and have a really, really wild imagination. And sometimes I really over think things and drive myself crazy. But this isn't the same. I know it when something in my life really goes wrong. But today I just couldn't stand it anymore. Not talking to my mom about personal stuffs really drive me crazy more than anything else in the entire world. I talked to her, and I drone on about my worries for my future and my relationship with that particular person. She listened, but I can really sense that she's not in agreement with me. I can't blame her I guess, but it makes me terribly upset, like I'm now. 

I don't know what to think of. I have way too many troubles on my shoulders right now, and it's going to snap. Real soon. I just hope that at least someone can understand my frustrations and devastation. But I guess it's really hard for someone to truly understand me. I mean, come on, I'm not an open book, for Pete's sake. 

Ugh. This is so confusing and irritating at the same time. I somehow wish I can throw myself off the bridge and feed myself to the sharks. That's a great idea, but it hurts a lot. I don't think I can tolerate those moments where I start to suffocate and wait for the sharks to eat me up. Ew. No, I must be crazy.

Anyway, to that particular person: If you read my blog (which is like, 0.00000000001%), I'm sorry. I really am, but that doesn't changes anything. I'm truly sorry. 

And you can see I torture myself enough to be a punishment. 

Double Shocker

Hi!! Obviously the moody Maggie had gone away, and crazy Maggie is back!! Yeah!! But it's kinda weird, since I've been through nothing but shocks these past two days, I should be pulling my hair out of their roots and yelling like a mad old woman or something. But I'm actually a little happy and excited, for God's know what reasons. I guess my mood swings are still intact, just that now I'm on the happy side (no, I do not take pills).

Yesterday I went to Sylvia's house and got some study done with Sylvia and Sotong. Sotong followed me home before we went to Syl's house, since her father is a little strict. I got to drive there myself, but I was not that happy about it. Ever since I got my driving license and drove myself for the first time, my dad's reluctant to drive me anywhere. I guess I need to work on my parking techniques though, since I can't park quite well. Anyway, we got almost two chapters down pat the day before, but I guess I pretty much forget everything by now. Tee-hee.

When dad fetched me and Sotong from school yesterday, I got my first, a little hilarious shock. I was just at the back seat, not quite chilling (I mean, how to chill when you're stuffed in your school uniform?) when dad popped out the news: Wesley accidentally pulled his tendon 'round his ankle during his PE class, where he unintentionally tripped over his friend's foot and threw himself forward. I didn't mean to be mean, but when dad told me that Wes can't do any exercises for SIX WEEKS, I started laughing. It'll be hell for my brother since he can't play basketball for six weeks, and basketball's like his wife or something.

Poor thing. But I'm secretly a little glad about it, since for the first time ever, he can't jump around and annoys the hell out of me. Of course I'm sad, too, but I'm a little hysterical. I just can't stop laughing in a really, really weird way. But still, poor Wesley. I gave him a hug and all, but he's still quite upset.

Obviously he can't do his usual chores regarding his poor foot. So I have no choice but to take over his chores and suck it up. He can't even walk properly, so I have to fetch water for him, set the dining table and all that stuffs. He just have to pull out an innocent face and made me feel exceptionally guilty so I'll do anything he asks me to. God, this is so unfair. I guess this is karma, since I'd always ordered him around doing things for me (he has to do my bed for five years) and now it's my turn to become the servant, and he's the lord. Brrrr. One good thing out of it: I don't have to wash his school shoes. But I have to wash mine myself. Pah.

Another shock was real bad news. Sotong called me when I reached home after fetching her back, and told me that we can't use our trial results to apply for January intake anymore!! Or any other results apart from the real SPM results. It's so freaking unfair. Now we can't go to January intake anymore, and I'm going to waste three months of my life doing jobs with really low pays. I'm a little devastated, but I guess it's not my fault that my plan got interrupted.

I just hope everything will turn out fine. I think. Since I wouldn't know what to do with those three months apart from studying--which is my original plan. So I guess I have to suck it up, too, and try to figure something out.

This is so unfair.

New Freedom

I sincerely hope that normal Maggie (or crazy, if you prefer) is back instead of the gloomy Maggie you saw in the previous post. Let's just see how it goes.

I ditched school this morning. Yep. Remember what I said about my mood swings and all? I guess it's more to anger issues. I used to keep all the anger inside of me, and major oops, it backfires real hard. Well, not that I go barreling around with my face red and yelling like an old hag or something, but if you're like, super-close to me, then you'll know that I acted really funny recently. I tend to get pissed off quite easily and direct part of my anger to my family, especially my brother. Yeah, poor thing.

It can be noise, or little actions from the others that makes me really mad. It's like I'm angry at the whole world or something. Sometimes I really think that I'm nuts. I mean, come on, is that really possible that I can hold that much of anger in my body? Really?

Yesterday I was annoyed by whatever I was annoyed back then, since I can't really remember what set me off (see what I mean?). I guess I was craving for some kind of attention or something, so I went straight to my mom and told her that I was not planning to go to school today. I was waiting for shock and lecture and whatever moms do from her. But she just looked at me real pleasantly and asked why, which I answered: I just don't want to go, too lazy.

By then I was expecting some kind of nagging and stuffs but she didn't. She didn't even look mad or slightly annoyed. I forgot what she did but she walked away without feeling angry or disappointed at all! I was so shocked that my anger just evaporated. Seriously, my mom is the last person you'd expect to let her daughter out of school for absolutely no reason. My mom was really tough with me when I was younger. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends unless it's a holiday, I couldn't use the computer for more than two hours a week, I couldn't take more than two ringgit for my daily allowances, I must asked for permission in everything I do and I couldn't read books unless I finished my homework.

I had a little talk with my dad today when he fetched me home from my piano lesson. Daddy told me that mom's easing up on me because I'm almost an adult now. I used to hear my dad bragged about me to the others (which is weird since I don't think I have anything to brag for, and that of course, I'm embarrassed) and told them that he trusted me. Well, that's huge. When your parents trust you in making your own decisions and all, it means that you're an adult. Mature and whatever words you wanna use. So I guess my mom's treating me like an adult now, when I'm sure as hell not behaving like one. But hey, it's only healthy to ditch school once in a while.

Not that I hate my newly-gained freedom, it's just that in this way, I can't really feel their concerns. It's hard to put this feeling into words, but what I can conclude is, I rather they have their control on me. I want my old stupid rules back, and I want my mom to nag me about my studies and personalities and everything, like she does to my brother now. I guess maybe this is the only way I can feel their love for me.

I know they love me, I truly do. It's just that I grew up in a typical Chinese family, where nobody says "I love you" out loud. We only show people the love we have for them by doing things and caring and even, scolding. That's how I know love. And now they completely let me be in charge of my life, I can't feel that anymore. I know it's there, but it's too abstract that I'm a little hollow on the inside. My parents hardly scold me anymore, and everything I do now is by my own decision, my choice. They don't butt in my studies, my piano, my dreams, what university I'm going, what I'm going to study or anything. I know they want me to live my own life, but it's really nice if they're more interested in what I'm going to do.

I don't know what I'm going to say, but here's me with my new freedom that'll last forever. Sometimes it's damn great to have freedom, so I can buy books and shirts without consulting them. Jeez. But when I tried to get my mom's opinion on me maybe doing YouTube next year or study psychology in the future, she didn't say anything. That's not freedom for me to rule my own life, that's just plain frustrating.

Anyway, I hope that I will get use to this new freedom and that not let loose of myself like a wild animal next year. If not, I'm afraid I'll turn into one of those stupid chicks with zero brain and party all day long.

Gawd.

Senior Year

It was only today when I saw the graduation photo for sale that hit me real hard in the face: My senior year is about to end.

I don't know if it's only me that got wrapped up in my own bubble the entire year, pretending that I'm not leaving this town next year. I'm good at lying, and I'm definitely good at lying to myself. Or else, convincing myself that I still have time when the truth is I'm running out of it. I guess it's that fear that makes me cowering, hiding inside of my closet. Well, just metaphorically, since I can hardly fit in my closet. And I don't have a closet to start with. I have book racks. And I don't call my cupboard "closet". That's way too weird.

Apart from escaping the reality, I'm torn between decisions. I used to think that making decisions was very easy (back to those days the decisions were only choosing which flavor of ice-cream I love the most. Well, I'm not really that into ice-cream) but the truth had me in a dilemma. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE was asking me where I'm going to further my studies and throwing me suggestions since Day 1. It's terrifying, to be completely honest, though I never show my uncertainties to the world.

I had been through a lot this year. Struggling to do the right thing, trying very hard to do the right decision. Every minute step seems to alter my future drastically. It's like crawling through a war zone with thousands of land mines hovering underneath. Even one little step wrong can lead to a huge explosion. That's what it's like for me.

They told me, study every day, get excellent results for your SPM, forget about dreams and concentrate on reality. But then the books and movies told me, keep on striving, work hard for your dreams, YOLO (well, that), dreams do come true, you can only be reckless once. I'm confused. I really am. It's like all the voices are blabbering in my head, all at once. I don't know what to listen. To be practical, or to be reckless? To be like what everyone else expects me to be, or to be whatever and whoever I want to be? Those are easy questions with tough answers.

I had been through a hard time before. This is something I never, ever wrote in my blog: My dad was unemployed for almost two years. Yes. That was what I was hiding from you all. I didn't have the courage to tell anybody, afraid that they'll not believe me since I'm so "rich-looking" (damn impression). It was a really hard time, and that had forced me to take on reality, in a really tough way. Nobody can understand this... pain and helplessness unless they'd been through the same thing. I suppressed everything back then, and I feel like an almost-erupting volcano right now.

People keep asking me if I'm stressed, but I know they only meant it in my studies area. I'm seventeen, and people only concern about seventeen-year-old-adult-to-be's studies. Well, I get it. But it's not like we don't have any other things to concentrate about apart from studies. What about my dreams? What about my opinions? What about my future? I have a say in it, too. I know I'm really lucky that both of my parents respect my decision, and let me choose my own ambitions and dreams. They don't really force anything on me, as they know that I'm responsible for me.

I'm not stressed about studies. Trust me, I'm not. I hardly think of my studies because in my theory, I think that if I force myself to study, I won't get good results. I don't really see the necessity of force study. It only make people loathe studying even more. I study according to my mood. And I get okay results but at least I'm not stressed out. No, but I am too stressed, just not in the studies area. What I'm really stressed about is my personal life.

I know that people change. I've changed. I've changed a lot in this year. Though I'm still that headstrong, stubborn girl I was before, I've changed on the inside. How I think, my opinion and my feelings to certain things and issues, to certain people. It's not fair, but I'm not sorry. This is how growing up should be. Changing and changing and changing. I've been thinking a lot, reading back my old journals and songs (since one is all about my life and another about reflecting my life), trying to picture the old me. But I can't.

It's been a roller-coaster ride. I have a lot of bad mood swings and I'm not happy about it. On the flipped side, those stupid mood swings did produce a variety of songs, but still. Those mood swings are uncontrollable and I'm scared of them. People used to say that I'm mature (in a way) and I thought so too. I thought that my rebellious days are way behind my back, but it's coming back for me now. I have two theories about my "rebellion", or my horrible mood swings. First, I'm actually extremely immature and only reach my emotion's "puberty". The other is that I forced myself to be strong before, not letting the wild me out, and thus skipping the emotion's puberty part before, and now it's making its appearance when I'm about to break down. Well, those are my theories. But who knows there's a third, actually?

It's embarrassing to admit, but I started to question about religion and all that stuff. Not that I'm not a Christian anymore, is that I'm trying to fit all of these... wildness into my new perspective. It's hard, and a really tough phase. But I can't help it. I guess I have to eventually got over it.

And the other thing is I start to distant myself from a couple of people who were close to me before. Not that I'm being a bitch or anything, I just feel like we're not on the same page anymore. I can hardly talk to them and yes, I did try to put my feelings aside and tried to patch things back up. I tried to be the old me, but it seems like she made a clean exit out of my life. I gave up trying, and I got really annoyed sometimes. I feel like screaming: you really don't understand me! and thinking about maybe give up entirely. But I don't want to make things awkward, not when there's only a few months left. I guess I just have to suck it up and bear it for the couple of months ahead. It's just that it made me really, really uncomfortable. And tired. I'm really exhausted. It seems like some people are way too dense, or just wouldn't accept the fact that people changed and go apart. It's a normal part of life, right?

Wow. I guess this post is kinda long. And really sad. But don't worry, the happy Maggie will get back to you all the next time. I just have to have some kind of release from my real life... and here it is. I just hope that everything can turn out fine, and that I can go through this mood thing quickly.

And for the record, I don't mind people drift further apart and go on their own separate ways. At least it's civil when they meet up again, and not plain awkwardness. It's better than faking feelings to pretend that you're still on the same page when you're actually in Mars when they're still on Earth.

See you guys the next time. Ciao. 

The End of August

I know I should be studying right now, instead of blogging. But I feel really guilty because I haven't blog for, like, a hundred million years. I'm convinced myself to write something new on my blog just now. My brother sort of gave me this idea of using the computer (I use my retarded tab recently instead of computer to avoid the "11A+" sticker I stuck on the CPU so I won't feel guilty to get online) because he practically forced me out of the comfort of my bed to accompany him while he is storming away on the poor piano. And singing so loudly my eardrums are in serious pain. But I'm not going to say anything about it, so shh.

I can't believe it's the end of August right now. I still feel like it's the start of August, when I'm blissfully ignoring the fact that the trial is coming soon... and now I'm sitting for it. Practically, I'm in the middle of my stupid trial exams and I'm trying very hard not to think about it right now, just in case my head explodes like a smashed watermelon. I had my English paper today, so there's like 7 subjects--not to mention 15 papers left. It's a complete nightmare, to think that I have the ACTUAL exams waiting for me in November. Pah.

How odd that I'm leaving my secondary school life in another three months. Not to be cliche but time really does fly past me quickly during my secondary school years. I remember being a primary school student, constantly sulking because time was way too slow. Then all of a sudden, WHAMMO, I'm on my way to college. Scary, huh? I guess time will fly even faster when I'm in college (God, I sound so old).

I dreaded my Chinese papers yesterday and I don't even dare to think what kind of result I'm going to get for that subject. It seems a little ironic that everyone seems to think that my Chinese is excellent just because I won a national prize for the Chinese novel I wrote. It was a total shock for me, honest. Like I mentioned in my previous posts that, even though I have a thing for writing (in both English and Chinese), I have sort of give up on being "good" in my Chinese writings and all that. Because according to most people, my writing style is quite good but not great. I don't use bombastic words and all that in my writings because, to be completely honest, I hate them. Anyway, they're a lot of discouraging words and last year I got rejected by a few publishers for my novel. That prize, for me, is a HUGE surprise. (note that I use present tense)

I remember I was sitting in class, doing my usual stuffs when a couple of my fellow classmates rushed over with huge grins on their faces while telling me my Chinese teacher was looking for me and that I won something. My palms instantly sweated up and my heart was hammering inside of my chest but I was all cool on the surface, like oh-I'm-a-jaded-teen-who-won't-get-excited-winning-a-stupid-prize when I'm anything but that. I'm such a faker (and the fakers gonna fake fake fake fake fake fake). Then I went into the teacher's office and told myself don't get my hopes up high, and to be completely honest, my hopes are super duper high.

Fast forward to the day I went to JB to receive my state-level prize for the novel and found out that I won the national prize as well!!!!! I was totally freaking out and my brain went all blank and on the inside I was like, what? WHAT?!? but on the outside, I still kept my cool (FAKE FAKE FAKE). The teacher kept asking me if I was happy about it and I shrugged all-so-nonchalantly and said yeah why not. BUT I WAS REALLY TRULY FREAKING OUT AND EVERYTHING ELSE WAS A COMPLETE DAZE TO ME EVEN TILL NOW.

Actually, the reason I entered this competition was because I wanted the state-level certificate. I really didn't expect to win anything. Anything at all. I mean, hello, I finished my piece in, like, an hour and without double checking I sent it to my teacher and she said it was bloody horrible and I was like what the hell but did not change my plot or whatsoever and there we sent it and I forgot all about it till the day I got the news I was like f*** (oopsie). Anyway, what the teacher meant with "bloody horrible" was my plot. I wrote about a serial killer and FBI agents and all those stuffs. Well, yadda yadda, those are my fascinations, of course I wrote about it. Maybe the tongue-cutting part scared the hell out of my teacher (and a couple of my friends, some couldn't even finish reading because it's too scary... jeez).

I guess I got a little carried away. But it is really good to get those off my chest since I was playing nonchalance ever since then. Anyway, the English papers today was okay, except for the novel part, I didn't know what the hell was I writing. It's embarrassing to say that I'm a lit student when I sort of suck at the school novel. But hey, I was sort of good in Fahrenheit 451! And I supposed, Julius Caesar (ugh).

Anyway, it's late now and I have Lit class tomorrow, not to mention piano lesson (major crap). So I guess this is my goodbye. Goodbye and maybe see you after my spm or something. Sigh.

The Reason I Read And Write

I always feel that rush when I gently hold a book in my hand, carefully flip through those delicate yellow-brown pages. My eyes are too hungry for the phrases and words, that sometimes they tend to skip through those beautifully constructed sentences till I have no choice but to reread the whole page to fully appreciate the work of the author.

I started to read when I was still young. I still remembered how my mom used to lie next to me, holding a book up high enough for both of us to read, where I snuggled next to her slim body, burrowing for the warmth that radiated from her. She'd read to me, word by word, line by line, as I squinted my eyes to see better. She wasn't fluent in English as she was raised in a family that spoke their own dialect, but she knew the importance of English for my future, thus she tried her very best to teach me simple English, till I was big enough to read on my own. We had gone through Peter and Jane, Enid Blyton and numerous fairy tales. She stayed by my side, faithfully teaching me and watched me enjoying myself from reading books. Though she had never said it aloud, I know that she's gratified that I picked up that habit and eventually learned English on my own. Without her, I would never stick my head in a book for hours, living through every emotions and adventures with the protagonists. I owe her, for her persistence, patience, and my devotion to books.

My dad, on the other hand, had not taught me how to appreciate books, but he is also another reason that I read that much today. Though he had never let me snuggled up by his side and read to me, I had watched him sitting on the couch flipping through Dan Brown and John Grisham. I was intrigued, naturally, by that light that sparkled in his eyes, that concentration and that little dent he had between his eyebrows whenever he was absorbed in the story. I would watch him intently, mesmerized, by his serious expression, and by the thickness of the books he read. Subconsciously, I made myself a mental promise that one day, I will read as much as my daddy does. Today, my bookshelf is full till I had no choice but to cram my books in it.

I'm a bookworm, eventually, till all these years of reading. Though my mom is pleased that I read a lot, she still makes me use my pocket money to buy books. Firstly, it'll make me appreciate and take good care of my books (my treasures) and secondly, it'll make me understand the importance of saving money. I will think thrice before I buy a book with my own money. I didn't have a huge allowance, so I had to save every cent and shilling in my "saving bag" (no, I don't have a piggy). No money is too small for me. And because I'm capable of buying new books frequently, and the fact that I hate borrowing books (they smell all wrong), I reread all my books over and over again to quench my thirst for books. Every time I reread that particular book, it brings back different memories and feelings. That's why I enjoy rereading books over and over again, to really gain understanding and to really appreciate that particular book with all my heart.

I have gone through a lot of adventures with the books I've read, and it made me want to create stories in my personal universe, too. That's when I started to write. I don't care what I write, I just do. When the inspirations hit hard, I'll quickly grab a pen and some papers and jot down as fast as I can. I treat that as an escape from the real world, from all my problems. I also write journals to keep me sane, and to talk to myself. To me, reading and writing is inseparable. Both are essentials in my life, to paint my world with bright colors and being my personal escape from the real world.

To be completely honest, I don't think I'll live through a day without reading and writing. That's just me, I guess. But that's how I survived.

My first day Driving (and random whatnots)

Yes, I'm seventeen and FINALLY I can start my driving lessons. Actually, my birthday passed, like, a month ago. It's April 23th and yeah, I don't really have any fun on that day (besides that I can yell off my head and no one will scold me because that day was my birthday) because the midterm was just a few freaking days after my birthday (which is cruel, if you ask me). Anyway, I wasn't able to update anything on my blog nor able to schedule a time table for my driving lessons, though I did watch a couple of Criminal Minds. Yep, guilty.

Anyway, it's not like I don't know how to drive an AUTO car, you know. You just have to know where's the brake and able to look straight. But I'm learning how to drive manual cars because firstly, it's much more cheaper than those silly auto vehicle (I mean, who the hell can't drive an auto car? You just have to concentrate on not driving on the wrong lane) and secondly it's much more cheaper (or so I heard). But I seriously hate it when that engine's revving. I mean, it's so LOUD. But still, it's fun to drive around and pretend that I'm a experienced driver (though I have that L sign behind the butt of the car) though the truth is that it's my first lesson today. So yay!

Anyway, this is going to be a short one since I have to get prepare for tonight's dinner since I'm going out with my friends for steamboat and stuff. I'm so dead. I'm going to gain another couple kilograms and I'm so going to be damn guilty about all these because God knows how much I can eat (sometimes I really wonder how big my stomach is) and I had already ate like hell during exams and I didn't dare to step onto my weighing machine. In case I fainted at the sight of the digits up there. And hell no, I didn't dare to take anymore caffeine... till next exams maybe. Because well, I hardly study on my daily basis and I'm that sort of person who torture herself last-minute going through EVERYTHING and crams EVERYTHING that's able to fit inside my skull the day before the exam. Yeah, that's me. And serve me right, I guess.

So, I think I have to go. For now. Hopefully I have more time to update instead of watching Criminal Minds. Or not. Tee-Hee. 

Recent Stuffs and Thoughts

I'm not writing a journal entry here, but still, I'm recording some parts of my day down. Today is kinda a special day for me, since my friend asked me to perform with her for the IU closing ceremony thing today. So yeah, I didn't say no, and I was in for the performance today. It's kinda fun, though, if I set my nerves and my worries apart (hello, I'm BORN a worrier, not warrior though, too bad). I mean, it's hard not to worry, because we only practiced for like, a few days, literally. It'll be better if I'm doing this with someone I know really well so we like, know each others' thoughts or something (hello, Sylvia) but I'm actually doing it with friends that I'm not that close with, certainly a challenge for me. Maybe this wasn't a challenge for them, since they seemed easy to know, but I'm kinda that "cold" person (I know this doesn't show in my words, but trust me).

But it's nice to know new people though. Fun, even. I'm not that kind of "adventurous" person, but yeah, it's nice though. Ever since I promised (sort of) that I'd be in the performance, I kept doubting myself that if I'd made a wrong decision. I kept questioning myself that if I really can do it? Will I mess up the whole thing and ruin it? I mean, if I embarrassed only myself, then it's fine. I just don't want to embarrassed those who worked with me too. But thank God, that I didn't mess up anything and in fact it was fun (though I look serious, really? Aw, I'm BORN with this face, not my choice though). I kept convinced myself that if I missed this I'll blame myself for the rest of my life. Sounded serious huh? But this is the truth... hehehe (what's wrong with me????)

I mean, life's too short so I have to cherish every chance I have to do the things I don't really dare or dying to do. If not, life's wasted. I'm only sixteen (a few more days to freaking seventeen) and I'm supposed to be wild and stupid and do crazy things. But the thing is, I'm not that kind of crazy, you know. I have my own boundaries and maybe it's because I'm raised that way. So please don't force my to do things I say no, because I only say no when I mean it (like that time my brother forced me to watch basketball youtube video and I was screaming my head off "NOOOOO", and that's your cue, dude). Okay this sounds a little old and cliche and weird and awkward, let's just stop here.

And recently I think I have to rewind a little bit about my "wish", that I want to record my songs and place them in YouTube whatsoever by my birthday. I mean, it's an unrealistic goal. I'm going to be seventeen next Wednesday, so it's not like I have time or energy to do that anymore. It's more realistic to do stuffs I like after SPM because dreams matter, but future also matters, too. So, I'm going to a mama's girl, be good and study. And speaking of that: I HAVEN'T STUDY FOR A FEW DAYS ALREADY I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO DOOM!! 

Ciao. Laters. (Too much Fifty? xoxo)

April Here

I know it's April 5th now, but I'd still like to talk about April because I'm running out of things to talk about. No, that's not true, the one of the pros of being a nagger is that I don't run out of anything to say, EVER. Just that all I ever said are complete bullshit.

April sort of mean something to me, because my birthday lies on April and two of my five closest friends' birthdays are in April, too. And also, there's no public holiday that lies on April and that this is the month that I have to study hard because my midterm's at May. I'm sorry, but can I cry? It's so OVERWHELMING.

And speaking of April and my birthday together, I'm starting to feel a little excited. I'm almost 17! I can't believe it! It seems like it's just yesterday that I was that kid just freshly graduated from primary school instead of leaving high school just this year! Not to mention colleges next year, and where to go and everything. Oh, God. 

I'm secretly hoping that (well since now I'm writing this in here, it doesn't count as a secret, but whatever, nobody really read this anyway) maybe I can achieve something I really wanted to achieve my whole life (sort of) before my birthday, or on my birthday. It seems like a unrealistic goal, but hey, a girl can dream! What I really wanted to achieve isn't to finish a novel (I once finished a Chinese novel, it's not good, but whatever) or to get slim overnight or something. No, what I really wanted (but nonetheless can't achieve in any right sense) to achieve before or on the day of my birthday (I prefer the "before" option) is that I can finally post one of my many songs on YouTube or at least, you know soundcloud. 

This sounds a little... I don't know. I know I can't do that before or the day on my birthday (before I officially turn 17, that's it) because first of all, I suck at finding the accompaniments for my songs and secondly, I don't really have the stuff to record my music and all. I mean, hello, my phone is so passe, and neither one of my parents actually own something that consider "high-tech". So yeah, I guess I should live it up in my dreams, haha.

What I'm really hoping for April is that it can treat me even better than the months before. And that something new (no, not love, please) can pop up in my life and I can have things DONE for once. Is this asking too much? 

One last thing, I really hope that time can pass slower so I won't have to freak out everyday about how much stuff I haven't study yet, and freak over about my piano and all that. I don't want to age by constantly worrying (how odd, that's ALL I ever do in my life) and get tons of wrinkles because I'm just at a tender age of 16+++++. 

Coffee doesn't Help

I know there's still a month and a few days before I have to face my midterms, but there's no way I can finish all of the subjects I need to master before the exam, because, duh, I'm too lazy last year to actually concentrate and study and so my form 4 stuffs just pile up and up so high I thought it's a mountain instead of books. So that practically means I have to study my butt off this month to actually get passable results, so that I can actually fight for scholarships and all that by using my midterms (not to mention, trial) results to apply and all. Hello, I'm not some kind of rich girl that doesn't need to even have GOOD results to get their butts into college and stuff because their parents are super rich to actually matter that amount of money and all.

Well, I don't have that kind of super-rich parents nor I have the finance to pull me through all the way through college, cause you know I still have a brother at home (though he's only thirteen) and I can't finish all the money for education used because he needs to use it in the future too. And also, getting scholarships basically means I can ease some of my parents' burden, that's like one stone two birds thingy. BUT, I have to work hard first, you know, to actually dare to even think about scholarships and all.

I don't know is it me or everybody else that have a hard time to concentrate while studying. EVERYTHING can occupies my attention while I'm studying, even minute things that doesn't even bother me when I'm not studying. It's like, hell. I can tell myself like, okay, this is serious and I have to finish this chapter NO MATTER WHAT, then all of a sudden, that urge to write songs appeared and I... sometimes give in. NOT ALL THE TIME, though. And that time, when I'm trying so hard to understand the stupid fish respiratory system (what's with the gills and operculums and buccal cavity and all), a reeking, blood-lust mosquito kept bothering me by constantly flapping its delicate wings flying round and round front of my eyes. Can't it see I'm busy studying????????? Well, I guess killing it doesn't help it understands what I'm saying. Huh.

So because of my lack of focus during studying (sure as hell I don't have that problem when I'm typing a story or writing my blog or writing in my journal of write songs, hell), I thought maybe I should try something to keep me wide awake after watching TV (guilty, if you can't tell) and so I figured maybe coffee is the ultimate solution for all these. Because the last time I drank that stupid cup of coffee, I CAN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. Heaven knows how many sheep did I count that night, or how many songs I got through. Just so you know, being sleepless and listening to One Republic isn't the best solution, haha.

And yeah, I drank that coffee last night, figured that I won't fall asleep during studying or convinced myself to sleep because I can't even keep my eyes open to 1mm. It felt so good, and I felt that power in my veins and my heartbeats strong and THERE, and I thought HOLY CRAP IT WORKS YYYAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!! Until, you know, I pick up my History book and well yeah, the effects disappeared just right that second (I managed to got through Biology because, duh, it's more interesting) and my eyelids droop and I started to yawn about four times in a minute and I was thinking, no, I must get through this damn chapter because, hello, I'm running out of time.

I went downstairs and drank another cup of coffee, and sadly, I could only got through one chapter before I fell into a deep sleep. I mean, it's not even MIDNIGHT yet. It's like eleven twenty or something!! Think of the time I'd wasted!! (though I'm wasting my time right now by typing out this post and that I haven't even done my chores and I haven't even practice my piano and I'm so dead because I promised my brother we'll watch Criminal Minds after I finished this post and my dad wants to bring us out for lunch and that basically means I have no time after all, to study)

For your information, I'm drinking another cup of coffee (plus milo powder in it) to get through. But it doesn't help when coffee doesn't help, at all (rhyme?).

PS: Remember the last post I talked about choosing one of the two stories I wrote to enter the freaking competition? Well, yeah, most of the people chose the serial killer piece while my MOM and DAD and my BEST FRIEND chose the other one about twins. I'm torn, AGAIN.