New Freedom

I sincerely hope that normal Maggie (or crazy, if you prefer) is back instead of the gloomy Maggie you saw in the previous post. Let's just see how it goes.

I ditched school this morning. Yep. Remember what I said about my mood swings and all? I guess it's more to anger issues. I used to keep all the anger inside of me, and major oops, it backfires real hard. Well, not that I go barreling around with my face red and yelling like an old hag or something, but if you're like, super-close to me, then you'll know that I acted really funny recently. I tend to get pissed off quite easily and direct part of my anger to my family, especially my brother. Yeah, poor thing.

It can be noise, or little actions from the others that makes me really mad. It's like I'm angry at the whole world or something. Sometimes I really think that I'm nuts. I mean, come on, is that really possible that I can hold that much of anger in my body? Really?

Yesterday I was annoyed by whatever I was annoyed back then, since I can't really remember what set me off (see what I mean?). I guess I was craving for some kind of attention or something, so I went straight to my mom and told her that I was not planning to go to school today. I was waiting for shock and lecture and whatever moms do from her. But she just looked at me real pleasantly and asked why, which I answered: I just don't want to go, too lazy.

By then I was expecting some kind of nagging and stuffs but she didn't. She didn't even look mad or slightly annoyed. I forgot what she did but she walked away without feeling angry or disappointed at all! I was so shocked that my anger just evaporated. Seriously, my mom is the last person you'd expect to let her daughter out of school for absolutely no reason. My mom was really tough with me when I was younger. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends unless it's a holiday, I couldn't use the computer for more than two hours a week, I couldn't take more than two ringgit for my daily allowances, I must asked for permission in everything I do and I couldn't read books unless I finished my homework.

I had a little talk with my dad today when he fetched me home from my piano lesson. Daddy told me that mom's easing up on me because I'm almost an adult now. I used to hear my dad bragged about me to the others (which is weird since I don't think I have anything to brag for, and that of course, I'm embarrassed) and told them that he trusted me. Well, that's huge. When your parents trust you in making your own decisions and all, it means that you're an adult. Mature and whatever words you wanna use. So I guess my mom's treating me like an adult now, when I'm sure as hell not behaving like one. But hey, it's only healthy to ditch school once in a while.

Not that I hate my newly-gained freedom, it's just that in this way, I can't really feel their concerns. It's hard to put this feeling into words, but what I can conclude is, I rather they have their control on me. I want my old stupid rules back, and I want my mom to nag me about my studies and personalities and everything, like she does to my brother now. I guess maybe this is the only way I can feel their love for me.

I know they love me, I truly do. It's just that I grew up in a typical Chinese family, where nobody says "I love you" out loud. We only show people the love we have for them by doing things and caring and even, scolding. That's how I know love. And now they completely let me be in charge of my life, I can't feel that anymore. I know it's there, but it's too abstract that I'm a little hollow on the inside. My parents hardly scold me anymore, and everything I do now is by my own decision, my choice. They don't butt in my studies, my piano, my dreams, what university I'm going, what I'm going to study or anything. I know they want me to live my own life, but it's really nice if they're more interested in what I'm going to do.

I don't know what I'm going to say, but here's me with my new freedom that'll last forever. Sometimes it's damn great to have freedom, so I can buy books and shirts without consulting them. Jeez. But when I tried to get my mom's opinion on me maybe doing YouTube next year or study psychology in the future, she didn't say anything. That's not freedom for me to rule my own life, that's just plain frustrating.

Anyway, I hope that I will get use to this new freedom and that not let loose of myself like a wild animal next year. If not, I'm afraid I'll turn into one of those stupid chicks with zero brain and party all day long.

Gawd.