Senior Year

It was only today when I saw the graduation photo for sale that hit me real hard in the face: My senior year is about to end.

I don't know if it's only me that got wrapped up in my own bubble the entire year, pretending that I'm not leaving this town next year. I'm good at lying, and I'm definitely good at lying to myself. Or else, convincing myself that I still have time when the truth is I'm running out of it. I guess it's that fear that makes me cowering, hiding inside of my closet. Well, just metaphorically, since I can hardly fit in my closet. And I don't have a closet to start with. I have book racks. And I don't call my cupboard "closet". That's way too weird.

Apart from escaping the reality, I'm torn between decisions. I used to think that making decisions was very easy (back to those days the decisions were only choosing which flavor of ice-cream I love the most. Well, I'm not really that into ice-cream) but the truth had me in a dilemma. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE was asking me where I'm going to further my studies and throwing me suggestions since Day 1. It's terrifying, to be completely honest, though I never show my uncertainties to the world.

I had been through a lot this year. Struggling to do the right thing, trying very hard to do the right decision. Every minute step seems to alter my future drastically. It's like crawling through a war zone with thousands of land mines hovering underneath. Even one little step wrong can lead to a huge explosion. That's what it's like for me.

They told me, study every day, get excellent results for your SPM, forget about dreams and concentrate on reality. But then the books and movies told me, keep on striving, work hard for your dreams, YOLO (well, that), dreams do come true, you can only be reckless once. I'm confused. I really am. It's like all the voices are blabbering in my head, all at once. I don't know what to listen. To be practical, or to be reckless? To be like what everyone else expects me to be, or to be whatever and whoever I want to be? Those are easy questions with tough answers.

I had been through a hard time before. This is something I never, ever wrote in my blog: My dad was unemployed for almost two years. Yes. That was what I was hiding from you all. I didn't have the courage to tell anybody, afraid that they'll not believe me since I'm so "rich-looking" (damn impression). It was a really hard time, and that had forced me to take on reality, in a really tough way. Nobody can understand this... pain and helplessness unless they'd been through the same thing. I suppressed everything back then, and I feel like an almost-erupting volcano right now.

People keep asking me if I'm stressed, but I know they only meant it in my studies area. I'm seventeen, and people only concern about seventeen-year-old-adult-to-be's studies. Well, I get it. But it's not like we don't have any other things to concentrate about apart from studies. What about my dreams? What about my opinions? What about my future? I have a say in it, too. I know I'm really lucky that both of my parents respect my decision, and let me choose my own ambitions and dreams. They don't really force anything on me, as they know that I'm responsible for me.

I'm not stressed about studies. Trust me, I'm not. I hardly think of my studies because in my theory, I think that if I force myself to study, I won't get good results. I don't really see the necessity of force study. It only make people loathe studying even more. I study according to my mood. And I get okay results but at least I'm not stressed out. No, but I am too stressed, just not in the studies area. What I'm really stressed about is my personal life.

I know that people change. I've changed. I've changed a lot in this year. Though I'm still that headstrong, stubborn girl I was before, I've changed on the inside. How I think, my opinion and my feelings to certain things and issues, to certain people. It's not fair, but I'm not sorry. This is how growing up should be. Changing and changing and changing. I've been thinking a lot, reading back my old journals and songs (since one is all about my life and another about reflecting my life), trying to picture the old me. But I can't.

It's been a roller-coaster ride. I have a lot of bad mood swings and I'm not happy about it. On the flipped side, those stupid mood swings did produce a variety of songs, but still. Those mood swings are uncontrollable and I'm scared of them. People used to say that I'm mature (in a way) and I thought so too. I thought that my rebellious days are way behind my back, but it's coming back for me now. I have two theories about my "rebellion", or my horrible mood swings. First, I'm actually extremely immature and only reach my emotion's "puberty". The other is that I forced myself to be strong before, not letting the wild me out, and thus skipping the emotion's puberty part before, and now it's making its appearance when I'm about to break down. Well, those are my theories. But who knows there's a third, actually?

It's embarrassing to admit, but I started to question about religion and all that stuff. Not that I'm not a Christian anymore, is that I'm trying to fit all of these... wildness into my new perspective. It's hard, and a really tough phase. But I can't help it. I guess I have to eventually got over it.

And the other thing is I start to distant myself from a couple of people who were close to me before. Not that I'm being a bitch or anything, I just feel like we're not on the same page anymore. I can hardly talk to them and yes, I did try to put my feelings aside and tried to patch things back up. I tried to be the old me, but it seems like she made a clean exit out of my life. I gave up trying, and I got really annoyed sometimes. I feel like screaming: you really don't understand me! and thinking about maybe give up entirely. But I don't want to make things awkward, not when there's only a few months left. I guess I just have to suck it up and bear it for the couple of months ahead. It's just that it made me really, really uncomfortable. And tired. I'm really exhausted. It seems like some people are way too dense, or just wouldn't accept the fact that people changed and go apart. It's a normal part of life, right?

Wow. I guess this post is kinda long. And really sad. But don't worry, the happy Maggie will get back to you all the next time. I just have to have some kind of release from my real life... and here it is. I just hope that everything can turn out fine, and that I can go through this mood thing quickly.

And for the record, I don't mind people drift further apart and go on their own separate ways. At least it's civil when they meet up again, and not plain awkwardness. It's better than faking feelings to pretend that you're still on the same page when you're actually in Mars when they're still on Earth.

See you guys the next time. Ciao.