Yeah, today is harsh for me. Really harsh.
So, actually, I sent my novel out for a few publishers. But I got rejected by one of them today. If you didn't have a dream that you almost reach, but you found out you're far from it, you can't understand what I'm going through right now. I can only say it's worse than falling out of love, or get rejected by your crush. It's the worst feeling I ever had in my life.
In fact, I sent it out last Sunday. I'd waited for an answer for almost two weeks. I never thought time can drag on so long, as time always seem too fast for me. But every moment of waiting seemed like forever, it's like been dragged on a tons of needles. It stung, a little by a little.
Then I told God, I just want an answer. I don't want to wait anymore, it's too tiring and it really messed up my life. But now, I got an answer. But the answer is not the answer I want. It's FAR from the answer I want.
Since I was, like, 7 or something, I started writing. I never thought it as a passion before, since I was young by then. I just know I really enjoy writing and tell stories inside my mind. I got a little notebook in my school bag, and I took it out and write stories to myself.
We started to write essay at 10. That was the first I ever discovered that writing really is my passion. I love every minute of writing, enjoy it more than anything else. It's not a want, but a need. It's like breathing, I can't live without writing. People who knows me knows that I always take some papers and my journal plus a pen by my side. I can't live without anything to write into. It's like breathing underwater, you know, hard to bear.
That year, I was 12. I got my first not-so rejection "letter". In exact, it's my UPSR result slip. As I said before, writing is my passion, my dream, my everything. And in some ways, I am sort of good. Not the best (of course not), but okay with it. Teachers always like my writing (even though sometime I'm a little nuts with my stories), and they gave me high marks. I never got "rejected" before. People always like what I wrote, and in fact, I was really proud of it.
But what's on my UPSR result slip, I got a B for my Chinese essay paper. It was such a huge blow on me, leaving such impact. I remembered I went out crying and thrashing. I can't accept a B in my essay, no way! I mean, I may not be the best, but I am good. Really good. I can't accept imperfection in my essay. I broke down, and I lost my faith in writing.
It left a huge impact on me. I'd lost my confidence in writing. I didn't dare to really write what I thought, always holding a lot back. My marks slip, and I watched others praised by the teachers because their writing were good. I saw red.
I wasn't really a competitive person. I'm only competitive on stuffs I really love, and writing is what I'm passionate about. I see others got compliments and watched my own essays "slaughtered" by teachers, I can't bear it. You must know this is not in vain. I never thought of writing that way. But I do care what others think about my work. It means a hell lot to me. Of course I'm envious of the others, who can write so much better than me. I'm pissed off, even. It's so hard for me to take on reality, as writing is once my proud and pride. You don't really let go off your pride that easily.
I spent a lot of time to overcome my difficulties. To overcome my fear in writing, struggling to find back my confidence in myself. It was so hard for me since I fell really bad the last time. But then I found out I can write in English without any stress and I started to fall in love with English. Eventually, I got some of my confidence back in writing and I used it to overcome my fears in Chinese.
The process hurts a lot. But at least I can write without chickening out much. I started to write novels again. I sent it to my few friends, and I got some critiques as well as a few compliments. But the negative balanced out the positive, and I was hurt, again. I try not to care, but it's really hard. Because it's the only thing I care the MOST.
I continue to write, and continue to take on critiques (intentionally or unintentionally). I took it hard. But I stared it in the face, I knew I can't escape anymore. I gotta be strong. I'm NOT a coward.
After a lot of hardships (I've lost my confidence in my English writings, too. After receive a really low mark by some teacher, but I try to overcome it now), I finally finished my Chinese novel. I counted it as my first, even though I did write some novels when I was in primary school. But it's not the same, I had confidence back then, but now I do not. It's like my rebirth novel, trying to get back my confidence or something. I experienced a lot of doubts from myself, and I cried a lot too. But I told myself, no matter how much it hurts, I'm going to finish this. And I did.
I sent it out to a few publishers way before I sent it out to any other of my friends. I know myself well. I know that if I sent it to my friends first, and receive some critiques from them, I will totally back off. After chickening through and out, I sent it out. And of course, I got a lot of critiques from my friend. One particular friend said she likes it a lot, but the others don't. They said it's boring and my novel isn't good enough. I was like one time in heaven and another in hell.
Now I got rejected by one (two more to go), and it's crushing my spirits again. But I won't back off like I did before then. I will stay strong. Who cares if others don't like it? As long as I love it, it's enough. I'm telling myself stories, just hoping the others will like it too. I don't care about anything, I've been through hell in a couple of years. Burn. Even though this means a hell lot to me (hello, it's my DREAM to be a published author, I didn't even want a boyfriend this bad), I'm sure I can pull it through. I will still write stories, whether it's bad for others or something. But showing the others and getting negative feedback isn't good for my ego.
But you know, even it's not the best novel in the entire world, and I'm not the best writer in any sense, at least I've got the guts to send it out. I tried and did my best. I'm still young (according to everybody, but I don't see sixteen a very young age), and I got a lot of shots. I just need to keep myself calm and never back out or get the horrible feelings back again that lead to my cowardice towards writing. I don't want to feel horrible and scare (of everything) when I'm writing.
I just want to enjoy.
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