Yes. I am supposed to study right now, or finish my undone homework for my friend. But I really don't have the mood for them. Really, I'm... exhausted. Mentally exhausted.
I don't know why, but I am really in a bad mood today. I just hope my mood can be better tomorrow, so that I can present my oral thingy better in front of the whole class. Hopefully not make a dumb fool in front of all those people. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll fall flat down on my face when I'm speaking because I trip on my own feet or I forget what I'm saying and stand there like a total idiot?
Yeah, you can see, I am really in a foul mood. Maybe it's me, or maybe it's my studies, or maybe it's my weight, or maybe it's my novel... I think it's my everything.
You know, life's been really tough on me. I never tell people how much I suffer, because I don't want people to think I'm weak. Because I am NOT. I am strong, in fact, I'm the strongest person I knew except for my mom. She's the strongest. Sometimes I wonder how she pulled it off.
It's a really hard time for all of us, here in this family. I thought life will become better after so much of stuffs. But you know, sometimes life's a joke, and we are the clowns inside. I can say I'm not surprised that life's getting worse for me. It's totally out of CONTROL.
I still can't admit what happened to me (oh, not the publish thingy, I told you guys that), but maybe one day. After things cool down and stuff. Maybe by then I can see things in another perspective, and I can endure all these better.
It hurts a LOT, every time I think of it, it's like stabbing myself with a rusted knife in the same old wound. I never felt so hopeless before. I never thought I would be like this, or experience this kind of stuff. My life was pretty awesome before, but WHAMMO, all of a sudden, it's all gone. It's like God is playing a cruel, hard joke on us. But I know it's not really THAT, but I'm figuring out what God is trying to tell us through all these. I'll not judge. Hell no.
Sometimes I struggled. People always struggled, and we always look at people that are much more successful or much more richer than us instead of looking at the ones that are even worse than us. But you know what? Life's like this. We can't really control ourselves, we can only lie to ourselves that things are going to get better. In fact, they're not.
I'm so SICK of all these, I just hope I can escape from them. Maybe that's the reason why I'm having problems in studying and piano and all that stuff. I was seeking for distractions to pull me away from all that.
I just hope one day I can get free of all these, and reach to my dream and look back with a smile of my face. I can only cross my fingers now, right?
Just let God do His work, I'll be good. Sitting here around constantly accept all the pain and agony. You think I'm bluffing, or just whining like a teen. But what you don't know is that, you don't know me. Nobody knows me, except for God and probably my Mom. There's a reason I called myself an old soul, because by the stuffs I'm going through, I'm already ancient.
Just so you know, I'm not kidding. I'm serious.
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