Maggie Chyi Chyi: To Be Positive

Hello people.

Don't worry, today I'm not going about a lesson on how to be positive or other equally boring stuffs like that. Don't worry, I'm not a motivator. Or I don't think I can become one either. I'm just hoping to share with you guys on how I try to be positive.

I've been quite unhappy ever since I started college about two weeks ago. Partly because I'm terribly homesick, and the other part I feel like I don't belong in this particular community. The people and places here are so different from where I'm from, and for the first time in a very long time, I cannot see my future.

Everything's not I expected or hoped it would be, and I was kinda lost somehow. I tried not to bother about the feelings and emotions inside, and alas, they snowballed and attacked me. I felt so small (not physically, duh) and almost every night, I just hid under my blanket (which isn't even my own blanket I used to use) and brawled my eyes out. Of course I had to do it silently, just in case I woke the whole apartment up.

Eventually I got numb, but that doesn't mean that I'm happy. I'm still really and thoroughly upset. Don't get me wrong, most of the people I met here are friendly and good, but I just feel different. Not in the sense that I have a third feet or fish eyes or something. But something just doesn't feel right.

I spent almost two weeks here in complete misery (of course I don't show it on the surface) and I feel that I have a glitch in my brain or something. Just why can't I feel like I belong? Why am I feeling so lost and uncomfortable when everyone else seems to be having a lot of fun? I ignored all those questions and feelings and I was very unhappy.

My mom seemed to know I was kinda stressed out through hearing my voice during one of our daily phone calls. I couldn't help it and I cried so hard, though I vowed that I'd never make my mother worries about me by showing her my weaker side. Everyone thinks that I'm so strong and brave when I'm nothing like that.

I continued this horrible routine until yesterday (I was planning to write this blog yesterday so everything will be fresh in my mind, but I guess... I didn't), when I was heading back to the hostel, I met my friend who was going to buy some secondhand textbooks. So I just turned around and went back to the school with him. And there was this senior who got his A-Level results yesterday sitting at the table with stacks of old textbooks and past year papers. I found out that he was a straight A* student and after buying some textbooks and his past year papers (according to him, he's once a top student in Biology, or the world), I talked to him for a while.

At first it was about how to study and all those stuffs but I don't really know why, I started to tell him that I feel like I can't fit into this community. I feel like an outcast and I know maybe that's not really the truth, but my brain just keep telling me that and pulling me down into an abyss. I didn't pour out those deep stuffs to him (of course) but he seemed to understand a little. So he told me to stay as myself, you know, just continue to be me instead of trying to fit in. He said that everyone is special and a lot of people lost their halos because they were trying to fit in and be "normal" people.

And also, he totally calmed my nerves down when he assured me that A Level isn't about memorizing but understanding and applying. Because, duh, I totally suck at memorizing. Even during my secondary school years (where everything was to be memorized and vomited out the exact way) I didn't really use the memorizing method to study. I must understand something before remembering it, so it's kind of a small relief for me, I guess.

But only after I got back to the hostel I remembered that I didn't know his name. He must be thinking what a rude girl I was. Oops.

Anyway, after hearing his advice, I feel a lot better and now I can see things in quite a different light. I realized that it was me that wouldn't want to try make things easier for me, mostly because I don't want to be emotionally attach to this place, the place that isn't my home. I know I'm too young to be so attached to something like this. But it's family. I can afford to be overly-attached to it, okay?

That's actually the second thing that made up my day. The first thing was the Christian Fellowship booth in the cafeteria. I wanted to join the fellowship for sometime, but I didn't know where to go for it. Then I saw the little booth they had and I immediately rushed over to have one of the pamphlet and wrote down my name. That's the first thing yesterday that made me happy

Surprisingly, there's a third thing in making me quite happy. There's actually a piano there in our school, which everyone can play (I'm not sure, but my housemate told me so). So tonight I'm going back to school and I'm going to play my butt out. Not literally. I didn't know why I said that. Maybe I'm too excited because I'm kinda on a piano/music starvation. Which lead us to another thing that made me happy.

I wrote a new song yesterday!! Or to be precise, this early morning. But whatever, it isn't tomorrow before I wake up. I didn't write any songs after my SPM examinations and it's been a long two months since I've produced something. I was actually quite worried if I lost my drive to write music but thankfully, it came back to me. I wrote it and you know, sort of let out my feelings inside, and I'm feeling so much happier.

I try to find little things in life that can make me happy and here are a few examples:

My little puppy named Tabby and seriously, I don't know why the nine-year-old me named my doggy after a cat. And also, he's a part of my blog URL, if you noticed.

Of course writing in my blog makes me super happy.

Mushroom Soup!! Not onion soup though, it's just a cup.

Also looking out the window helps me to relax. And I think I sort of immune to great heights now, hahaha. Raining is another bonus because I love rain. I love listening to rain and smelling the rain.

This is the song I suddenly wrote down last night. Took me less than five minutes and I was so so so happy to finally wrote a song after so long. And yes, my first draft looks horrible.

And also, yes, my bedspread and file happen to be Winnie the Pooh. Don't ask me why.

I'll try to continue to be happy and positive so I won't be miserable like I'm burning in hell. I mean, why should I make my own life miserable? I should stop worrying and stressing out about stuffs that may never ever happen.

And even if I don't really fit in well, then I may well try to be invisible or stand out. I come here to pursue a higher education, not to feel bad about myself.

Anyway, I hope I can continue to be positive and carry on with my life without constantly sulking and moping around. If you guys have any tips on how to be happy or what you do to be happy, please feel free to leave any comments below. Whether if you know me or the other way round.

Thanks for your patience to bear with me in such a long post. If you read the whole thing, you're awesome.

Here's a stupid photo for you to cheer you up after such a long, tedious (maybe for you) blog post.