Hello people.
This post isn't going to be a happy post. So if you don't feel like reading something really sad, I'm sorry, and you can totally stop reading by now.
I'm in college now, which claims to be the funnest part of one's life, just that I'm not feeling it. Probably because I'm away from home and I'm terribly homesick; or maybe it's that I'm under too much pressure and expectations from myself.
I'm sorry that I'm not updating in here or YouTube as frequent as I used to, partly because I'm too busy, and partly because I feel a little bit lost. I feel like I'm a sailor in a huge storm, unable to make out the directions and the land where I supposed to go.
Before going to college, I'm sort of hooked onto the idea of studying psychology. I admit, this was partly because of the many reruns of Criminal Minds I watched, and the idea of being a lecturer or a professor who teach psychology in universities. I don't know, it's part of a more "realistic" dream of mine. I feel like I can do it, and I'll do it, but sometimes, it isn't really the case.
I take on psychology with much enthusiasm at first, and also, excitement was just a word to describe how I feel that morning when I first attended my psychology class. I was still very much excited until I took in how much stuffs I need to memorize and learn and when I did the first homework, I enjoyed reading it, but I found myself had a really hard time to extract out the information and do the essay assigned.
You may say that it's okay and it's going to turn better once you got a hold on it. I thought of it too, but I became so scared that I started to panic a lot. It wasn't what I thought it was, and I had a really hard time digesting it. I started to question myself if it's my problem that I don't really enjoy this "real" essence of psychology.
Then I realized, I like the psychology everyone has the misconception towards. The kind that's fun and effortless, and not the kind I'm facing right now, where it requires a lot of memorizing and studying. I don't know, this sounds like I'm finding an excuse to be a quitter, but I just feel like this is not what I expect from it, and like my teacher said it, if I feel like this, I'd better quit it.
My feelings are lump in a huge ball till I can't comprehend what I'm feeling right now.
I hate the fact that I have to do research for psychology. I hate the fact that I don't like to memorize the articles and journals, which are so tedious and long. I hate the fact that I don't even know the real essence of psychology when I blabbered about how much I love psychology before. I hate the fact that I'm not strong enough to cope psychology along with my other subjects.
In other words, I feel really, really weak, having not to live up to my expectations.
I eventually tell myself to live with what I know I can survive with. I can totally read psychology articles and little facts that I used to love so much (or you can say, false information) and not studying psychology and heck, memorizing it. I know I can do it if I really do spend a lot of time reading and then re-reading it. But what about my biology and chemistry? Not to mention, maths. Those three can already give me a huge embolism, I can add another up my list, but I think I choose not to.
But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a quitter. I feel like the whole world will think how a coward I really am, dropping the subject before I really go into the very essence of it. The truth is, it also concerns about money. If I make a decision before 4th Feb, I can get the money I paid before back. I mean it's not really the best thing to do to let my parents throw a bunch of money in for tuition fees and eventually I didn't manage to get straight As.
It feels like arguing with myself, but both of me are losing the battle. I don't know, I think the best word for me now is confused. I hate giving up, but on the other hand, I hate to take huge risks, especially on my studies. Because it's the only hope I can get hang onto a scholarship in the near future so that my parents can spend less money on my tuition fees.
But also, there's a saying that if I take three subjects (most of the people I know are taking up 4 subjects), there'll be a smaller chance of me getting a decent scholarship. So basically, I'm stuck here.
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Stuck in a city I'm not familiar with, taking up subjects I don't really like right now and losing directions of the future I once dreamed of.
That's one of a hell of a downhill.
I guess I'll give up psychology and focus on my other three subjects and do whatever I can to ensure I get straight As. Or preferably, A*s. I'll be handing up the add/drop form to drop psychology and it kinda mentally hurts, a lot.
Let me put it into perspective for you. Imagine that you like a guy for such a long time, and you thought you knew everything and absolutely everything to know about him and you'll get your happily ever after with him. Then all of a sudden, you realized that you're not meant to be. You're too different from each others, and there's a lot of obstacles for you to cross and you're just so worn out by everything else. The thing is, you're just not compatible. You're not meant to be.
That's what I feel about psychology right now.
Sure, probably another year or so I'll be mentally prepare for this subject. But I feel like if I can't get pass this during A Levels, can I really cope it when I'm studying it for university?
I can't say I have the answer right now. Who knows? I'll still take psychology for a degree (since you don't have to take up psychology as a pre-U subject to study it in university) and maybe I'll survive. I mean, who knows what the future have for us?
But right now, I decide to just stay focus on my other three subjects, and leave the rest to God. Whether I really can or cannot study psychology, it's later in the future for me now. Maybe I'll have a new found love that's much more compatible for me. Who knows.
For now, I'd just like to enjoy psychology as a little hobby of mine, reading about serial killers and little fun facts and studies about it, and not worrying it for the exams.
Because I like it, I want to remain it as a passion that doesn't burden me.
I hope I make the right choice. And I hope I won't mind what others think about my quitting.
Because I only live for myself. And my family.
And God.
Till next time, peeps.
xx
Then I realized, I like the psychology everyone has the misconception towards. The kind that's fun and effortless, and not the kind I'm facing right now, where it requires a lot of memorizing and studying. I don't know, this sounds like I'm finding an excuse to be a quitter, but I just feel like this is not what I expect from it, and like my teacher said it, if I feel like this, I'd better quit it.
My feelings are lump in a huge ball till I can't comprehend what I'm feeling right now.
I hate the fact that I have to do research for psychology. I hate the fact that I don't like to memorize the articles and journals, which are so tedious and long. I hate the fact that I don't even know the real essence of psychology when I blabbered about how much I love psychology before. I hate the fact that I'm not strong enough to cope psychology along with my other subjects.
In other words, I feel really, really weak, having not to live up to my expectations.
I eventually tell myself to live with what I know I can survive with. I can totally read psychology articles and little facts that I used to love so much (or you can say, false information) and not studying psychology and heck, memorizing it. I know I can do it if I really do spend a lot of time reading and then re-reading it. But what about my biology and chemistry? Not to mention, maths. Those three can already give me a huge embolism, I can add another up my list, but I think I choose not to.
But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a quitter. I feel like the whole world will think how a coward I really am, dropping the subject before I really go into the very essence of it. The truth is, it also concerns about money. If I make a decision before 4th Feb, I can get the money I paid before back. I mean it's not really the best thing to do to let my parents throw a bunch of money in for tuition fees and eventually I didn't manage to get straight As.
It feels like arguing with myself, but both of me are losing the battle. I don't know, I think the best word for me now is confused. I hate giving up, but on the other hand, I hate to take huge risks, especially on my studies. Because it's the only hope I can get hang onto a scholarship in the near future so that my parents can spend less money on my tuition fees.
But also, there's a saying that if I take three subjects (most of the people I know are taking up 4 subjects), there'll be a smaller chance of me getting a decent scholarship. So basically, I'm stuck here.
I feel like the biggest loser ever. Stuck in a city I'm not familiar with, taking up subjects I don't really like right now and losing directions of the future I once dreamed of.
That's one of a hell of a downhill.
I guess I'll give up psychology and focus on my other three subjects and do whatever I can to ensure I get straight As. Or preferably, A*s. I'll be handing up the add/drop form to drop psychology and it kinda mentally hurts, a lot.
Let me put it into perspective for you. Imagine that you like a guy for such a long time, and you thought you knew everything and absolutely everything to know about him and you'll get your happily ever after with him. Then all of a sudden, you realized that you're not meant to be. You're too different from each others, and there's a lot of obstacles for you to cross and you're just so worn out by everything else. The thing is, you're just not compatible. You're not meant to be.
That's what I feel about psychology right now.
Sure, probably another year or so I'll be mentally prepare for this subject. But I feel like if I can't get pass this during A Levels, can I really cope it when I'm studying it for university?
I can't say I have the answer right now. Who knows? I'll still take psychology for a degree (since you don't have to take up psychology as a pre-U subject to study it in university) and maybe I'll survive. I mean, who knows what the future have for us?
But right now, I decide to just stay focus on my other three subjects, and leave the rest to God. Whether I really can or cannot study psychology, it's later in the future for me now. Maybe I'll have a new found love that's much more compatible for me. Who knows.
For now, I'd just like to enjoy psychology as a little hobby of mine, reading about serial killers and little fun facts and studies about it, and not worrying it for the exams.
Because I like it, I want to remain it as a passion that doesn't burden me.
I hope I make the right choice. And I hope I won't mind what others think about my quitting.
Because I only live for myself. And my family.
And God.
Till next time, peeps.
xx
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