Something Serious

Hello people. 

It's been a while since I wrote a post entirely based on my current feelings and opinions on stuffs. You know, the kind I always wrote before I started a few book posts and my music posts. I know those kind of stuffs may be boring to some of you guys, if you're not a nerd and doesn't like original, unknown music.

Just to make it clear, I'm not going to do a resolution post on this blog this year like I did the last year. Probably because I wanted some privacy for that, and maybe I just have the feeling not to write it down here. I haven't nail things down, but I have a few resolutions in mind already. I now just have to rationalize those so that I can keep up and stick to it. Well, hopefully.

I know this is a new year, and this is going to embark new events and adventures in my life, but I can't help but feel a little bit upset. Okay, maybe not just a bit, but quite upset. And that's not just because of me leaving for college next Saturday, it's also because of the singing videos I uploaded.

Well, as I ranted so frequently before on my previous posts about how much I wanted to do YouTube videos and share my songs, Let's let me get something clear first, I wanted to do YouTube video have nothing to do with fame and popularity. True (I'm not going to lie about this), there was a time I was hunger for popularity. Or maybe that's the wrong word, I think the right word for it is to be noticed. But that was a teenage thing, a phase, and I quite get over it by accepting it's already a blessing I have true friends and family instead of a lot of creepy fake ones.

So the main reason I did video was just because I want to do it. For fun, and there's no other reasons. I was expecting 50 views utmost and therefore I was not that nervous about it. I mean, if no one sees it, then I'm completely safe from all the negativity from other people. But I was wrong, though my video gained not a lot of views, but there's 184 views last I checked, which is already a lot to me, if that means nothing to you.

Of course, if there're people other than your friends and family who watched this video (which was of course what I expected at first), there's not going to be any judgement for your song or your cover. Expect likes but not dislikes, because your friends and family care for your feelings so if they don't really like the song, they won't really hurt you by pressing the dislike button.

But apparently, some people doesn't like my song enough to hit that dislike button. 

I know it's not suppose to be such a big deal, but it is, to me. When I first got my first dislike on my song, I was like, so shocked till I didn't know what to expect. It's that huge a shock to me because I was totally not expecting it. That doesn't mean that I'm so arrogant about my song's the best song in the entire universe or something.

It's just that, my songs are like my own children, my babies. I technically gave birth to them, watching them developed into words and sentences, and eventually have rhythms and melodies. So, when I got the dislikes on my original song, it hurts a lot, no matter how I told myself not to get offended by them, and that they have the liberty to express their feelings, too.

But that doesn't mean that it hurts any less. I know that I shouldn't be bothered by those little dislikes when I actually have people who supported me and liked my song (who are so kind) but I guess it's true that it's easier to look at the bad side of things than the better side. It kinda bothered me at first and it took me a while to shake those off.

Until I saw the increasing dislikes. 

The feeling's like the black hole that's swallowing me in has increased in size and depth and I can't find a way out of it. This may sound a little melodramatic, but I feel really upset that there're actually people who really dislike my passion.

Yes, I like to do what I love and passionate about, and I shouldn't care about what other people think. It's true, but that's easier to say than done. It's easy to control your actions and behaviors, but it's impossible to control your feelings and thoughts. That's my problem, but I can't help it.

So, I'm starting off with things I can control, that is appreciate those who left great comments and likes and supports and also, accept those who doesn't like my song or the ones who pressed the dislike buttons. If I can accept those and try not to pay that much attention to those, I think I may feel a little bit better.

And also, dancing to Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" helps too.

I just want to make sure that I love what I'm doing and enjoy in what I do without any other mixed feelings. I don't want to ruin my passion just like that, that's just plain stupid, and immature. Since I know the initial motive I share my song (or do cover), I shouldn't let any other thing take me down. No, I shouldn't.

Therefore, I think I'll concentrate on myself (not to be selfish) and do whatever I like to do the most. I do videos for fun doesn't mean that I'm not serious while doing them. I'm serious, just that at the same time, I'm having fun.

There're people who asked me if I'm doing this to be a future career or something, my answer is no. Not that you can't turn what you love into your job, just that not everybody's that lucky. I'm just trying to be rational in the real world, and also, I don't wanna turn my hobby into a responsibility that burdens me and make me hate the idea of doing it. I'd really hate that. I mean, look at me, I'm already dwelling on little negativity in life, how am I suppose to do song-writing as a career (or a singer, in my dreams ha) and see my babies slaughter by other people who just doesn't have the same taste as me?

It made me really question if my song's really that bad.

So, yes. I'm doing this for fun. Purely and entirely for fun and for my own pleasure. And also, it's a waste not to share out songs I wrote and let them decay in a box or something. 

After having those thoughts and the continuing rationalizing with myself, I feel a lot better about the whole dislike issue. This is a world of liberty, and people can raise their voices and express their opinions. I'm completely fine with that. Really.

Okay. Not completely, but I'm working on it, alright? Give me a break. And time.

New Goal For Me

Sorry this is quite a heavy and lengthy post. I just need to get those off my chest 

somehow because I'm not talking this to anybody, since I don't really allow my mom to watch my videos. And she being completely clueless at technology also helps. No offense, mom.

Thank you for bearing with me if by some miracle, you read till the end.

I'm just grateful that at least blogger doesn't allow dislikes, haha.

Till next time people.

xx