Walking Disaster

Hello people! 

This is my week three in college, and I find myself pretty much used to everything in here right now, except for one thing I don't think I can accept without groaning and moaning (get your mind out of the gutter) every single time till forever: walking.

I hate walking because my stamina is so weak. I never ever do sports in my entire life, apart from those compulsory school activities, which I often sneaked away without doing any of those exercises. I can hardly walk 1 kilometers without huffing and puffing. Walk, not even run. I cannot even walk decently and elegantly. No, I have to look like a limping penguin with extra small feet. 

The reason I so hate exercises I guess it's the sweating part. Yes, I know I should never ever grumble about my weigh problem now, since I brought it all by myself. 

Now that I'm in college, that basically indicates one thing: no more transport. I don't have my own car, and even if I did, I don't think I have the guts to drive in this city full of crazy, impulsive drivers. No offense (but the offense had been made, oops). That aside, the place I'm currently staying is about five minutes walk away from school, so that basically means that even I got a car, I can't drive to school. Walking is even faster than jamming in here, duh-uh. 

That leads us to my poor fate of walking. 

It's so frustrating to know that everyday I wake up there's tons of walking for me. To school, from class to class, cafeteria, outside of the school, mall (just sometimes for groceries), then back to hostel again. There's a lot of walking each day and it exhausted me and made me look like an eighty-year-old lady living in a body of a seventeen-year-old girl.

I keep telling myself each day that my stamina will eventually get better and therefore I'll finally walk without wanting to die so badly. I always feel like my feet will somewhat disconnect from my ankle and drop off while I crawl my way to school. Okay. That sounds a little bit disturbing. Ew.

But it's true that my feet always and always ache after a long walk to school or just climbing three flight of stairs to reach a particular classroom. That will be the moment where I started to feel nostalgic and miss my secondary school, where its compound's so tiny that we don't even have a place to hide if we want to ditch classes. Just saying. 

Walking from class to class is criminal. Why can't they just locate us in a classroom for the whole day so I won't risk damaging my feet walking from the third floor to the fifth floor then back to the third floor again? It's just so wrong. I mean, that arrangement seems to work pretty fine during my secondary school years though.

My feet started to have blisters and cuts all over because of that pair of damned shoes I wore before. Also the long distance walking thing did some particular damage to my feet. I know walking is good for my health and all, but for a person who hardly even like to walk for her entire life, it's torture to get up and walk with stuffs all over her (e.g. backpack, files, cellphones). Plus, not saying that I have great images before, but puffing and sweating like crazy after climbing just a few flight of stairs really downgraded how I perceive my image to the others.

Like I said before, I try to be positive about all these. Walking can burn calories (though constantly eating out makes totally no difference, if I haven't put up a couple kilograms) and I always have something to make up my day. 

For today, I have a cup of greatness.

I actually got this from my aunt quite a long time before but my family and I never really opened it and when I came to KL, my mom told me to bring this up and finish it. I totally ignored it until today, I finally had the mood to drink a cuppa tea. 

What took me by surprise was the color and the flavor. Though it wrote cranberry up there, I never really expected that the color was a shade of dark wine red. It tasted a bit sour and I don't think I should add in sugar but I did. I'm addicted to sweet drinks (I know, not healthy) and I don't really like anything sour without some sugar in it. 

But overall it felt really good to drink a cuppa sweet hot tea when it's so cold in my room while listening to Ed Sheeran. If it doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside, I don't know what will. 

I guess that's basically all I have to say type today. I gotta quit right now and do some homework so I don't get left behind. It feels good to write in here again, God knows how boring my college life is, haha. Also, classes are really boring. But still, I gotta survive! And I will survive!!

Till next time people.

xx

To Be Positive

Hello people. 

Don't worry, today I'm not going about a lesson on how to be positive or other equally boring stuffs like that. Don't worry, I'm not a motivator. Or I don't think I can become one either. I'm just hoping to share with you guys on how I try to be positive. 

I've been quite unhappy ever since I started college about two weeks ago. Partly because I'm terribly homesick, and the other part I feel like I don't belong in this particular community. The people and places here are so different from where I'm from, and for the first time in a very long time, I cannot see my future.

Everything's not I expected or hoped it would be, and I was kinda lost somehow. I tried not to bother about the feelings and emotions inside, and alas, they snowballed and attacked me. I felt so small (not physically, duh) and almost every night, I just hid under my blanket (which isn't even my own blanket I used to use) and brawled my eyes out. Of course I had to do it silently, just in case I woke the whole apartment up.

Eventually I got numb, but that doesn't mean that I'm happy. I'm still really and thoroughly upset. Don't get me wrong, most of the people I met here are friendly and good, but I just feel different. Not in the sense that I have a third feet or fish eyes or something. But something just doesn't feel right.  

I spent almost two weeks here in complete misery (of course I don't show it on the surface) and I feel that I have a glitch in my brain or something. Just why can't I feel like I belong? Why am I feeling so lost and uncomfortable when everyone else seems to be having a lot of fun? I ignored all those questions and feelings and I was very unhappy. 

My mom seemed to know I was kinda stressed out through hearing my voice during one of our daily phone calls. I couldn't help it and I cried so hard, though I vowed that I'd never make my mother worries about me by showing her my weaker side. Everyone thinks that I'm so strong and brave when I'm nothing like that.

I continued this horrible routine until yesterday (I was planning to write this blog yesterday so everything will be fresh in my mind, but I guess... I didn't), when I was heading back to the hostel, I met my friend who was going to buy some secondhand textbooks. So I just turned around and went back to the school with him. And there was this senior who got his A-Level results yesterday sitting at the table with stacks of old textbooks and past year papers. I found out that he was a straight A* student and after buying some textbooks and his past year papers (according to him, he's once a top student in Biology, or the world), I talked to him for a while.

At first it was about how to study and all those stuffs but I don't really know why, I started to tell him that I feel like I can't fit into this community. I feel like an outcast and I know maybe that's not really the truth, but my brain just keep telling me that and pulling me down into an abyss. I didn't pour out those deep stuffs to him (of course) but he seemed to understand a little. So he told me to stay as myself, you know, just continue to be me instead of trying to fit in. He said that everyone is special and a lot of people lost their halos because they were trying to fit in and be "normal" people. 

And also, he totally calmed my nerves down when he assured me that A Level isn't about memorizing but understanding and applying. Because, duh, I totally suck at memorizing. Even during my secondary school years (where everything was to be memorized and vomited out the exact way) I didn't really use the memorizing method to study. I must understand something before remembering it, so it's kind of a small relief for me, I guess.

But only after I got back to the hostel I remembered that I didn't know his name. He must be thinking what a rude girl I was. Oops. 

Anyway, after hearing his advice, I feel a lot better and now I can see things in quite a different light. I realized that it was me that wouldn't want to try make things easier for me, mostly because I don't want to be emotionally attach to this place, the place that isn't my home. I know I'm too young to be so attached to something like this. But it's family. I can afford to be overly-attached to it, okay?

That's actually the second thing that made up my day. The first thing was the Christian Fellowship booth in the cafeteria. I wanted to join the fellowship for sometime, but I didn't know where to go for it. Then I saw the little booth they had and I immediately rushed over to have one of the pamphlet and wrote down my name. That's the first thing yesterday that made me happy

Surprisingly, there's a third thing in making me quite happy. There's actually a piano there in our school, which everyone can play (I'm not sure, but my housemate told me so). So tonight I'm going back to school and I'm going to play my butt out. Not literally. I didn't know why I said that. Maybe I'm too excited because I'm kinda on a piano/music starvation. Which lead us to another thing that made me happy. 

I wrote a new song yesterday!! Or to be precise, this early morning. But whatever, it isn't tomorrow before I wake up. I didn't write any songs after my SPM examinations and it's been a long two months since I've produced something. I was actually quite worried if I lost my drive to write music but thankfully, it came back to me. I wrote it and you know, sort of let out my feelings inside, and I'm feeling so much happier.

I try to find little things in life that can make me happy and here are a few examples:

My little puppy named Tabby and seriously, I don't know why the nine-year-old me named my doggy after a cat. And also, he's a part of my blog URL, if you noticed. 

Of course writing in my blog makes me super happy.

Mushroom Soup!! Not onion soup though, it's just a cup.

                                   

Also looking out the window helps me to relax. And I think I sort of immune to great heights now, hahaha. Raining is another bonus because I love rain. I love listening to rain and smelling the rain. 

This is the song I suddenly wrote down last night. Took me less than five minutes and I was so so so happy to finally wrote a song after so long. And yes, my first draft looks horrible. 

And also, yes, my bedspread and file happen to be Winnie the Pooh. Don't ask me why.

I'll try to continue to be happy and positive so I won't be miserable like I'm burning in hell. I mean, why should I make my own life miserable? I should stop worrying and stressing out about stuffs that may never ever happen.

And even if I don't really fit in well, then I may well try to be invisible or stand out. I come here to pursue a higher education, not to feel bad about myself.

Anyway, I hope I can continue to be positive and carry on with my life without constantly sulking and moping around. If you guys have any tips on how to be happy or what you do to be happy, please feel free to leave any comments below. Whether if you know me or the other way round.

Thanks for your patience to bear with me in such a long post. If you read the whole thing, you're awesome. 

Here's a stupid photo for you to cheer you up after such a long, tedious (maybe for you) blog post. 

(my dark eyes circles... boohoo!!)

BE HAPPY GUYS!!

Till next time people.

xx

After Rain Therapy & Thoughts on Girl Online

Hello people. 

Today I'm in a much better mood, probably because writing it down yesterday gave me some insight and perspective to make me feel better. We have lab classes today, and it was kinda scary at first, given the fact that I didn't have much lab classes during my secondary school years. What we learned were pretty much based on theory than practical, that's one of the downside of our education system I guess.

I still haven't really decided anything yet, but I have my psychology class the first thing next morning so I can totally see how my first homework went before doing any thing "rash". Fingers-crossed my homework wasn't that bad, haha.

Just now I went out for dinner with a couple of my friends, both old and new ones. I usually don't really go out to have dinner as there's a cafeteria located just downstairs of my hostel. But today I felt like going out a little, though I totally regretted during the long walk outside. 

The place we went was called "Rock Cafe", though it's more to a typical hawker center than a cafe. We ate (the food there's quite economical and well, the taste was quite okay for me) and talked, then all of a sudden, we heard sounds that sounded like huge rice grains accidentally spilled over rhythmically.

That's when we knew that we're so doomed. None of us had the foresight to bring umbrellas with us. Plus, I'm wearing my typical extra-slippery slipper for the night. Well, that's what happened when you hang out with just friends. You don't dress for the occasion and surely, you just wear whatever crappy shoes you have. But I should be grateful I didn't wear my pair of converse or that new shoes I just bought a couple days before.

We initially wanted to wait for a couple more minutes for the rain to slow down, but no such luck, it just went even harder. So we just sucked it up and ran through the rain, and trust me, it's so not romantic at all. I feel like the biggest dork that ever existed. Everyone was running to take cover but I could only sludge through the dirty water (ew) because I was so scared that I'm going to fall over with the pair of devil slippers. 

By the time I reached the college (where the canopy walk is connected, so I could walk back here without again going through the damn rain), I looked like a victim from the flood area. There're bits of dried leaves stained to my legs, my white shirt was totally damped and I think that you can actually see my underwear. My hair was flat and wet, all the curls gone and I felt like a wet walking potato. 

I was totally grateful when I finally reached the residence where I'm currently staying, but I'm totally not happy that I'm going to have to take a shower all over again. So much for showering before heading out. I should have known better. Hmm.

So with no homework today, I decided to have a little comfy time today. That means finish off Girl Online by Zoella and also, watched a couple of videos and type in here! Let's not forget a cup of hot milk (which now gone cold, but still) and I'm all ready for a little pampering session.

 I finished off Girl Online by Zoella and I'm feeling all girly and fuzzy (in a good way) inside. That's how the book makes me feel, all warmed up from the inside. 

Of course I'd heard a lot about this book, also all the controversies created by this particular book. If you don't know who Zoella is, you might be living under a rock under a long time. Or maybe you're not as hooked onto YouTube as I am. 

Anyway, this is the first book she ever published and there're a lot of sayings going on, saying that she had a ghostwriter who wrote for her. Blah, blah, blah. Also, she didn't admit it but she did admit that she got help from the editors or whatsoever. Okay, stop it. If you guys are thinking that I'm going to critique any parties here, you're wrong. I'm only talking about the book right here, regardless what's going on with the drama. 

The book is about a girl named Penny living in Brighton, who has an anonymous blog that reveals the true her. She's feeling insecure, shy and has self-esteem issues. Also, she experienced a car accident before, which lead to her panic attacks. The story is about how she then humiliated herself in the school, but by some good luck (her mom's job), she got to spend her holidays in New York. That nicely provides a nice getaway for her and there, she met a guy. You know what's next: romance. 

This seems like a cheesy little love story. It is, but it's the kind that makes you feel sweet and soft like marshmallows on the inside. I always had a smile on my face while I was reading the book. But as cheesy (in a good way) as it is, there's a lot of serious issues embedded into the story line. There's serious stuffs like self-images (where the protagonist thinks that she's nothing but actually she's quite accomplish, with her blog and everything), online bullying (which is a very serious issue in our generation, where people sprout nonsense that hurts other people just for fun. How pathetic.) and also, panic attacks.

Zoella herself has panic attacks and to be truthful, I don't know anything about panic attacks until I started following her on YouTube and her blog where she talked and blogged about it in details. I don't have panic attacks myself (I don't think so) but I know having panic attacks were horrible, and I think her book (no matter if she really wrote a huge chunk of it or not, it's her idea anyway) really helps a lot of people with panic attacks, and giving them insights on how to deal with it and stuffs.

I must admit that plot in the story will hardly happen to anybody. Well, probably to a few really lucky ones, but who is able to accidentally stumble across a huge star in America and have him falls head over heels for you? That's totally legit for a fiction, I guess. But I'll be totally happy if my blog can grow as quickly as Penny's does. Ha-ha.

Overall, I think that it's a good read (especially for rainy days! Try it with warm milk or hot cocoa!) and you can totally empathize with the protagonist on all her awkwardness. At least I do! I did go through a ton of awkward situations in my life. Hmm. I guess maybe I can open a new section just solely on my awkwardness. 

Anyway, if you haven't get the book, you should! It helps to you to unwind and relax unlike those heavy books I used to read a lot. It's a really nice change from those, like a relaxing breeze after an epic tsunami. 

If you guys want to read another kind of sweet and fuzzy book, I'd recommend a book I read recently by Jodi Picoult and her daughter, Samantha van Leer called Between The Lines. It's really good but alas, I left the book back home so I can't really give accurate opinions on it.

(PS: I just found out that there's going to be a sort-of sequel for Between The Lines and it's called Off The Page!! You can totally count on me buying it once it's released!!)

I hope you guys enjoy this long post and I'm going to finish up my milk and chillax before hitting the sack. 

Till next time, people!

xx

Feeling Weak

Hello people.

This post isn't going to be a happy post. So if you don't feel like reading something really sad, I'm sorry, and you can totally stop reading by now. 

I'm in college now, which claims to be the funnest part of one's life, just that I'm not feeling it. Probably because I'm away from home and I'm terribly homesick; or maybe it's that I'm under too much pressure and expectations from myself.

I'm sorry that I'm not updating in here or YouTube as frequent as I used to, partly because I'm too busy, and partly because I feel a little bit lost. I feel like I'm a sailor in a huge storm, unable to make out the directions and the land where I supposed to go.

Before going to college, I'm sort of hooked onto the idea of studying psychology. I admit, this was partly because of the many reruns of Criminal Minds I watched, and the idea of being a lecturer or a professor who teach psychology in universities. I don't know, it's part of a more "realistic" dream of mine. I feel like I can do it, and I'll do it, but sometimes, it isn't really the case.

I take on psychology with much enthusiasm at first, and also, excitement was just a word to describe how I feel that morning when I first attended my psychology class. I was still very much excited until I took in how much stuffs I need to memorize and learn and when I did the first homework, I enjoyed reading it, but I found myself had a really hard time to extract out the information and do the essay assigned.

You may say that it's okay and it's going to turn better once you got a hold on it. I thought of it too, but I became so scared that I started to panic a lot. It wasn't what I thought it was, and I had a really hard time digesting it. I started to question myself if it's my problem that I don't really enjoy this "real" essence of psychology.

Then I realized, I like the psychology everyone has the misconception towards. The kind that's fun and effortless, and not the kind I'm facing right now, where it requires a lot of memorizing and studying. I don't know, this sounds like I'm finding an excuse to be a quitter, but I just feel like this is not what I expect from it, and like my teacher said it, if I feel like this, I'd better quit it.

My feelings are lump in a huge ball till I can't comprehend what I'm feeling right now.

I hate the fact that I have to do research for psychology. I hate the fact that I don't like to memorize the articles and journals, which are so tedious and long. I hate the fact that I don't even know the real essence of psychology when I blabbered about how much I love psychology before. I hate the fact that I'm not strong enough to cope psychology along with my other subjects.

In other words, I feel really, really weak, having not to live up to my expectations.

I eventually tell myself to live with what I know I can survive with. I can totally read psychology articles and little facts that I used to love so much (or you can say, false information) and not studying psychology and heck, memorizing it. I know I can do it if I really do spend a lot of time reading and then re-reading it. But what about my biology and chemistry? Not to mention, maths. Those three can already give me a huge embolism, I can add another up my list, but I think I choose not to.

But that doesn't change the fact that I feel like a quitter. I feel like the whole world will think how a coward I really am, dropping the subject before I really go into the very essence of it. The truth is, it also concerns about money. If I make a decision before 4th Feb, I can get the money I paid before back. I mean it's not really the best thing to do to let my parents throw a bunch of money in for tuition fees and eventually I didn't manage to get straight As.

It feels like arguing with myself, but both of me are losing the battle. I don't know, I think the best word for me now is confused. I hate giving up, but on the other hand, I hate to take huge risks, especially on my studies. Because it's the only hope I can get hang onto a scholarship in the near future so that my parents can spend less money on my tuition fees.

But also, there's a saying that if I take three subjects (most of the people I know are taking up 4 subjects), there'll be a smaller chance of me getting a decent scholarship. So basically, I'm stuck here.

I feel like the biggest loser ever. Stuck in a city I'm not familiar with, taking up subjects I don't really like right now and losing directions of the future I once dreamed of.

That's one of a hell of a downhill.

I guess I'll give up psychology and focus on my other three subjects and do whatever I can to ensure I get straight As. Or preferably, A*s. I'll be handing up the add/drop form to drop psychology and it kinda mentally hurts, a lot.

Let me put it into perspective for you. Imagine that you like a guy for such a long time, and you thought you knew everything and absolutely everything to know about him and you'll get your happily ever after with him. Then all of a sudden, you realized that you're not meant to be. You're too different from each others, and there's a lot of obstacles for you to cross and you're just so worn out by everything else. The thing is, you're just not compatible. You're not meant to be.

That's what I feel about psychology right now.

Sure, probably another year or so I'll be mentally prepare for this subject. But I feel like if I can't get pass this during A Levels, can I really cope it when I'm studying it for university?

I can't say I have the answer right now. Who knows? I'll still take psychology for a degree (since you don't have to take up psychology as a pre-U subject to study it in university) and maybe I'll survive. I mean, who knows what the future have for us?

But right now, I decide to just stay focus on my other three subjects, and leave the rest to God. Whether I really can or cannot study psychology, it's later in the future for me now. Maybe I'll have a new found love that's much more compatible for me. Who knows.

For now, I'd just like to enjoy psychology as a little hobby of mine, reading about serial killers and little fun facts and studies about it, and not worrying it for the exams.

Because I like it, I want to remain it as a passion that doesn't burden me.

I hope I make the right choice. And I hope I won't mind what others think about my quitting.

Because I only live for myself. And my family.

And God.

Till next time, peeps.

xx

Away from Comfort, Away from Home

For a particularly nagger like me, I have no words to describe how I feel right now.

I was unable to sleep a couple of nights before. I lay on my bed at home, sometimes staring at the ceiling wordlessly, and sometimes hid under my blankets with tears pouring down my face, like thunderstorm with raindrops of the size of rice and beans.

Undeniably, I'm terrified and I guess most of us would be. Living in a completely different place isn't as easy as it shown in all sort of TV shows. Talk about stupid, how can you actually trust TV shows?It's their lives, not yours. How can you possibly live your live in someone else's way?

Anyway, like I said I'm moving into the hostel on Saturday. Today's Saturday, and I'm sitting here all alone in this tiny room with limited internet access (because I used up all my data, so the freaky thing is so damn slow right now). Okay, not all alone, since I have a roommate who happens to be my best buds. So yeah, I bet it's colorful if we got into a huge fight over something, eventually.

Today is sort of a disaster to me. Not particularly an auspicious start. First of all, we were sort of late for the check in. Everybody was so tired the night before (my eyes were sore from all the crying when I started to cry last night and my brother held my hand and told me not to cry. Yep, I cried even harder) and we got up late this morning. After breakfast, it's already 11 o'clock in the morning. We managed to get here by one something, but the queue was so long we had to wait almost for an hour before our turn to check in.

You can say it's traumatic and tiring. 

Then we only had an hour to unpack my stuffs and that practically mean that we're almost unable to finish the task before my mom had to leave the hostel room, since the parents can only stayed up until 4 pm. But thank God we're able to finish before mom had to leave.

We had lunch before my family left. For the first time in a very long time, I couldn't really taste what I ate. Food was blend and tasteless, and all I could think was how my family were going to leave me in this big, unfamiliar, strange city and went home to my dearest hometown.

I never thought how much I love Muar until today.

Or rather, I love Muar because it's the place I grew and it's the place where my family lived since I was a toddler. I just missed my family so bad, and it's hard to think that life's going to be like this when time flies on. 

That I'm never, ever going to be that little girl who my daddy constantly made fun of by tickling her face with his stubby chin before work. Instead, I'm now a big girl living in somewhere I really, really don't want to be in. 

I so hate myself for wanting to go for January intake before, when I apparently can't accept the fact that I'm not living with my family anymore.

Call me stupid and young, but I'd admit, I'm a momma's girl. The one who always like to stick by my mother's side and listen to everything she has to say. I just like to listen to her voice and her laughter, and I really going to miss that a lot. 

Sure there's phone and everything, now that technology is so advanced. But they're not here with me, in flesh, you know. It's just different from what I used to have.

Anyway, when I was devastated over the fact that my family had left, I found out that we're supposed to pay the tuition fees but we didn't. I was frantic as the deadline was actually really near. So I was freaking out a lot and didn't finish my dinner because I was so nervous. It's just my dad was my anchor in everything like this before, and now I just have to deal with these by myself, which was hard.

That problem aside, I still miss my family so badly.

I couldn't bring myself to watch my dad's car to pull away from the school and I was holding back the tears so hard in my eyes so that the others living in the hostel would not laugh at me because I'm weak. Though I think that's not weak at all. It's not weak to miss your family. But still, I don't wanna look like I'm seven instead of seventeen. I still need my dignity to survive in here.

I don't know what else to say anymore. I'm way too upset to. I hope things will turn out fine and the tuition fees problem can solved as smoothly as possible. That's what I'm hoping, really.

Till next time people.

xx

Gathering Before Separating

I guess I pretty much said it all in the post tittle. We're having our last gathering before Sotong (or Daphne, she now decides) and I go to check in to our hostel this Saturday. 

Before today, we had a shopping trip to Melaka, but the downside is that Sylvia was sort of sick and she can't go with us. That's why the first photo I placed is the one we took on today. I'm going to start with the Melaka trip first before moving into today's gathering.

There left four of us without Sylvia, but nonetheless we had a great trip together. We took bus there and sotong (I still prefer to call her by this) and I with weak body were huffing and puffing while we walked about 20 minutes from the bus stop to the shopping mall. Janine and Ning were far gone from our sights. A moment of silence for our poor physical health, please. (Ahem)

Yep, we eventually went to the rooftop of the shopping mall and captured tons of photos there (SELFIE) before we waited for the time for the movie to start. We watched Big Hero 6 and it was amazing. I can't stop crying from the start to the end (don't ask me why) while people are laughing around me and those little kids are screaming happily around us.

No wonder I'm not that a movie person. At least, not in the cinema.

Of course we went shopping, but I was a complete good girl that day and didn't go on a terrible, crazy spree. Instead, I only bought a belt (since the last one was broken) and a pair of jeans (for college uses) since I don't really have much long jeans. I did try on a couple of dresses, for fun. Hey, it couldn't hurt to try on, ha!

 

I totally love that white comfy shirt, but eventually after tons of thinking, I didn't buy it. Good for my money though.

As for today, we went out for lunch at a nearby hawker center and then went off to buy some instant package of cookie flour and stuff for the cookie baking session this afternoon. It was completely random as we didn't planned this but I guess we did it.

 Ingredients as shown. It's actually quite easy. We just followed every of the instructions at the back of the cookies mix and after a lot of laughing and arguing, we did it and it smelt incredible.

Working place

All Set!

Guilty, but today I acted as the photographer (using my phone, duh) and contributed nothing in the cookie making process. Except from the eating part, since I totally lost count of how many cookies I ate. More than anyone else, I guess. No, I'm pretty sure about that. 

Like I said, guilty.

I DID NOTHING.

HEY YOU!!

Last thing we did: play with those hard kind of bubbles (I don't know what that's called)

 Anyway, despite my lack of help and huge stomach, we had a great time doing cookies then makeover and tons of fooling around. I'm going to miss these guys so much when I'm heading to college! It'll be hard for us to see each other like we used to during our secondary school life. The next time we're going to see each other probably is going to be during the Chinese New Year, which is like almost the end of next month. 

That's why I'm truly grateful that we have this great gathering before we separate into our own ways. I hope that we'll have tons of gathering and never lose touch!

If you guys are watching this, I love you guys and I'm so thankful that you guys are a huge part of my secondary school life. Thank you for being so patient with me when I was so stubborn sometimes and thank you for spending time with me and really concern about me whenever I was sad or lonely.

I'm so glad that I have you bunch of lovely girls. 

Love ya all!

I guess I'll end this post now. It's kinda long with all these photos.

Till next time people.

xx

Back Story Of "Freedom From Me"

Yup. That's right. I did another song again and it's another one of my original songs. If you wanna check it out: 

http://youtu.be/F6Y-7QZrwN4

Go on, it wouldn't hurt to click on. It'll satisfy your curiosity and it's healthy to be curious and click on the link above. Trust me, I don't bite. I sing.

The week before, I did a cover of Taylor Swift's Blank Space (HERE) and I figured I might as well do songs alternatively, as in, original song then cover then original song again. I didn't really have a song in mind and I was fumbling for ideas last night when I accidentally came across this song. I really have no other ideas of what to choose (it's really tough to choose from so many songs... where you started to judge everything) so I told myself to suck it up and just do it.

So after a lot of thinking, here's another song I wrote during August or September. I can't really remember, since I was having my trail exams and I only copied it down into my files post-exams. So the date isn't that accurate as I always only jot down the date I copied it, instead of the date I finished it.

I'm so odd.

This song obviously isn't my personal experience or something, since it's an emotional, relationship-wise song. It's about a girl who gave everything she had into a relationship, but the relationship still broke into pieces in the end. 

I wrote this (again) in class and I sorta pictured the scenario a bit. The first line came from nowhere, and I just started from there and eventually pictured a post-breakup scenario and continued from there. I was actually picturing an dark living room with furniture that's sort of covered in dust. And there's that girl with long, dark hair who sat in the middle of the mess, her eyes were blank and she's staring at nothing. Yep, flashbacks started.

My friends sort of cannot get the point of the last two lines of the song (I cut my wings and keep bleeding on/ So you'll get your freedom from me). They're confused why the girl cut her wings so that the guy who dumped her will get his freedom? 

The truth is, me too. 

That line, too, like the first line, completely came out of nowhere. I didn't think of it, my hands just automatically wrote it. I can't really explain it, quite logically. But I think, I must subconsciously believe that the girl imaginatively cut her wings, so she can't fly off with the boy into another journey. She kept herself on the ground, so that the boy can fly higher without her trapping him down.

Weird, but that's how I eventually figured it out.

I'll post the lyrics here so you guys can see for yourself.

I thought I give you everything I can

But my everything's nothing to you

I cracked my head finding for solutions

But you took it easier by break me off

I was paralyzed on the spot where you left

Said we can still be friends if I wanted to

I bit my tongue till I tasted red

So I won't be begging for you to stay

#The look in your eyes haunt me in my dreams

I cried and I tried to make everything right

The words you said stung me over again

And I collected pieces of my heart you broke

And lied to myself that I'll be fine

That I'll be fine

I hid the stuffs you gave under my bed 

Cause I couldn't bear to throw them away

I wrote your name over and over again

And I burned the photos so I'll forget

Friday night all alone you were not by my side

I don't know if I can get my sparkle back

I lost my sleep straight for days and months

So I won't see your face behind my lids

#

You tried to call me a few times 

But I left the phone ringing

Saw you across the street

I turned and left

Don't you understand

We just couldn't be friends

Not when I need you in another way

So I said here's your freedom from me

Don't say sorry I can't take it

#

I cut my wings and keep bleeding on

So you'll get your freedom from me

Though the last two lines didn't really make sense, but it's my favorite two lines. Call it a hunch, I don't know.

So I guess I'll come back next time with a cover (any suggestions?) and if you like my songs or covers, you are totally welcome to subscribe me on YouTube.

Till next time you lovely people.

xx

Blogging This Often

Yes, I just randomly captured a photo of the two bears living at the end of my study table and plastered the word "blogging" over them. Oh, and also, I casually placed a pen just beside the hand of the smaller teddy bear to make it looked like it's writing. All just because I wanted a photo for this particular blog. I know, I'm such a weirdo. I should have capture a photo of my laptop. That looks more like I'm blogging. 

What was I thinking?

Anyway, let's get back to the point after such a long, pointless intro of mine. If you realize, I do blog a whole lot more frequent than other times. The reason is actually extremely stupid: I have absolutely nothing else to do.

Don't get me wrong, of course I have to get ready for college (i.e. a hell lot of packing), but other than that, I'm completely useless. What I do all day other than sleeping and eating is lounging on my couch watching TV or reading books. Mostly I watch TV because it doesn't require any brain power. But then I realize I'm becoming an useless fellow, I started to read some of the books I bought.

But the power of TV is so strong. And let's just forget about the internet.

So I feel like I'm degrading myself into some kind of useless pig with the same routine filled with nothingness. No knowledge, no thinking and my brain pretty much just sit in my head to fill up the spaces. 

After the final exams of secondary school (i.e. SPM), I basically have nothing to do. Also, I'd finish my piano so I've sorta graduate from that, too. (the results haven't come out yet and I'm so damn nervous about it. Please, God, just let me pass. LET ME PASS.) So it's like I'd lost the main two purposes in my life so far and I have a month back then before college starts.

And so, here comes my often blogging. I tend to blog less before when I have examinations. Most of my blog posts are about my examinations and how I hated them. Looking back, I really miss that kind of life. At least, I have something to work on instead of doing nothing. I thought I'd really appreciate my holiday doing nothing, but in the end I just feel so empty.

In order to prevent my brain from rusting, I started to blog more often. Of course I still keep tabs on my journal, it's just that my handwriting is so awful till I wanna hit myself with a shovel for ruining my journal. Plus, typing is much easier than writing.

There's only a week left before I leave Muar for KL, which I'm so nervous about. Even though I'm only going there for further education, I still feel like I'm not sophisticated enough to survive in a big city. I feel like dying every single time I thought of it. Or just crawl under the bed and wallow forever. Writing sorta helps to calm me down a little, and also, put things into perspective so I can think clearly around it.

For instance, I feel so much better after writing (typing, but still) down  my feelings last night (re: my previous post "Something Serious") and today when I looked at my videos' dislikes, I can almost laugh at them.

Well, almost. I didn't really laugh out loud, just in case my mother got the idea that I'm officially insane. 

So basically I will still continue to write this often until I start school again. I'm not sure whether I have the time or leisure to actually writing this often. I know nobody except a couple of my friends read my blog (oh hi Celine and Sylvia), but that doesn't mean I'll mind, or like writing a little bit less. I mean, hello, if that's the case, I wouldn't be writing in my journal, which remain private thanks to my family who respect my privacy till no end.

Just that my dad doesn't bother me much, my mom totally doesn't have the time for it and my brother claims he hates English. So yeah, nobody really read my journal even though I left it everywhere. 

I hope I can at least write a blog post once a week in order to be persistent. Other than my songs and my journal, this blog is also my baby (aw). Um, I guess I had gave birth to a lot of babies if this is the case. Whoa.

I'll have to go for now, as to continue my usual holiday routine. Yes, I'm watching another rerun of Criminal Minds. This time is about a psycho (what's new?) who saws off people's leg and stitches it on other people. So basically it's a leg switch. Well, it's quite scary if you come think of it. You wake up, and look down there's a pool of blood on the bed and your right leg isn't your right leg. It's some hairy, random, disgusting leg you haven't seen in your entire life before. 

Talk about psychotic.

Anyway, sorry that this post got a little random and you're a star if you actually read this till the end. I'm going to give you a huge hug, only if I'm a hugger. No luck, I'm not. I only like to hug my mom a lot.

Till next time people.

Or tomorrow.

Or later.

Whatever.

xx

Something Serious

Hello people. 

It's been a while since I wrote a post entirely based on my current feelings and opinions on stuffs. You know, the kind I always wrote before I started a few book posts and my music posts. I know those kind of stuffs may be boring to some of you guys, if you're not a nerd and doesn't like original, unknown music.

Just to make it clear, I'm not going to do a resolution post on this blog this year like I did the last year. Probably because I wanted some privacy for that, and maybe I just have the feeling not to write it down here. I haven't nail things down, but I have a few resolutions in mind already. I now just have to rationalize those so that I can keep up and stick to it. Well, hopefully.

I know this is a new year, and this is going to embark new events and adventures in my life, but I can't help but feel a little bit upset. Okay, maybe not just a bit, but quite upset. And that's not just because of me leaving for college next Saturday, it's also because of the singing videos I uploaded.

Well, as I ranted so frequently before on my previous posts about how much I wanted to do YouTube videos and share my songs, Let's let me get something clear first, I wanted to do YouTube video have nothing to do with fame and popularity. True (I'm not going to lie about this), there was a time I was hunger for popularity. Or maybe that's the wrong word, I think the right word for it is to be noticed. But that was a teenage thing, a phase, and I quite get over it by accepting it's already a blessing I have true friends and family instead of a lot of creepy fake ones.

So the main reason I did video was just because I want to do it. For fun, and there's no other reasons. I was expecting 50 views utmost and therefore I was not that nervous about it. I mean, if no one sees it, then I'm completely safe from all the negativity from other people. But I was wrong, though my video gained not a lot of views, but there's 184 views last I checked, which is already a lot to me, if that means nothing to you.

Of course, if there're people other than your friends and family who watched this video (which was of course what I expected at first), there's not going to be any judgement for your song or your cover. Expect likes but not dislikes, because your friends and family care for your feelings so if they don't really like the song, they won't really hurt you by pressing the dislike button.

But apparently, some people doesn't like my song enough to hit that dislike button. 

I know it's not suppose to be such a big deal, but it is, to me. When I first got my first dislike on my song, I was like, so shocked till I didn't know what to expect. It's that huge a shock to me because I was totally not expecting it. That doesn't mean that I'm so arrogant about my song's the best song in the entire universe or something.

It's just that, my songs are like my own children, my babies. I technically gave birth to them, watching them developed into words and sentences, and eventually have rhythms and melodies. So, when I got the dislikes on my original song, it hurts a lot, no matter how I told myself not to get offended by them, and that they have the liberty to express their feelings, too.

But that doesn't mean that it hurts any less. I know that I shouldn't be bothered by those little dislikes when I actually have people who supported me and liked my song (who are so kind) but I guess it's true that it's easier to look at the bad side of things than the better side. It kinda bothered me at first and it took me a while to shake those off.

Until I saw the increasing dislikes. 

The feeling's like the black hole that's swallowing me in has increased in size and depth and I can't find a way out of it. This may sound a little melodramatic, but I feel really upset that there're actually people who really dislike my passion.

Yes, I like to do what I love and passionate about, and I shouldn't care about what other people think. It's true, but that's easier to say than done. It's easy to control your actions and behaviors, but it's impossible to control your feelings and thoughts. That's my problem, but I can't help it.

So, I'm starting off with things I can control, that is appreciate those who left great comments and likes and supports and also, accept those who doesn't like my song or the ones who pressed the dislike buttons. If I can accept those and try not to pay that much attention to those, I think I may feel a little bit better.

And also, dancing to Taylor Swift's "Shake It Off" helps too.

I just want to make sure that I love what I'm doing and enjoy in what I do without any other mixed feelings. I don't want to ruin my passion just like that, that's just plain stupid, and immature. Since I know the initial motive I share my song (or do cover), I shouldn't let any other thing take me down. No, I shouldn't.

Therefore, I think I'll concentrate on myself (not to be selfish) and do whatever I like to do the most. I do videos for fun doesn't mean that I'm not serious while doing them. I'm serious, just that at the same time, I'm having fun.

There're people who asked me if I'm doing this to be a future career or something, my answer is no. Not that you can't turn what you love into your job, just that not everybody's that lucky. I'm just trying to be rational in the real world, and also, I don't wanna turn my hobby into a responsibility that burdens me and make me hate the idea of doing it. I'd really hate that. I mean, look at me, I'm already dwelling on little negativity in life, how am I suppose to do song-writing as a career (or a singer, in my dreams ha) and see my babies slaughter by other people who just doesn't have the same taste as me?

It made me really question if my song's really that bad.

So, yes. I'm doing this for fun. Purely and entirely for fun and for my own pleasure. And also, it's a waste not to share out songs I wrote and let them decay in a box or something. 

After having those thoughts and the continuing rationalizing with myself, I feel a lot better about the whole dislike issue. This is a world of liberty, and people can raise their voices and express their opinions. I'm completely fine with that. Really.

Okay. Not completely, but I'm working on it, alright? Give me a break. And time.

New Goal For Me

Sorry this is quite a heavy and lengthy post. I just need to get those off my chest 

somehow because I'm not talking this to anybody, since I don't really allow my mom to watch my videos. And she being completely clueless at technology also helps. No offense, mom.

Thank you for bearing with me if by some miracle, you read till the end.

I'm just grateful that at least blogger doesn't allow dislikes, haha.

Till next time people.

xx