Recent Stuffs and Thoughts

I'm not writing a journal entry here, but still, I'm recording some parts of my day down. Today is kinda a special day for me, since my friend asked me to perform with her for the IU closing ceremony thing today. So yeah, I didn't say no, and I was in for the performance today. It's kinda fun, though, if I set my nerves and my worries apart (hello, I'm BORN a worrier, not warrior though, too bad). I mean, it's hard not to worry, because we only practiced for like, a few days, literally. It'll be better if I'm doing this with someone I know really well so we like, know each others' thoughts or something (hello, Sylvia) but I'm actually doing it with friends that I'm not that close with, certainly a challenge for me. Maybe this wasn't a challenge for them, since they seemed easy to know, but I'm kinda that "cold" person (I know this doesn't show in my words, but trust me).

But it's nice to know new people though. Fun, even. I'm not that kind of "adventurous" person, but yeah, it's nice though. Ever since I promised (sort of) that I'd be in the performance, I kept doubting myself that if I'd made a wrong decision. I kept questioning myself that if I really can do it? Will I mess up the whole thing and ruin it? I mean, if I embarrassed only myself, then it's fine. I just don't want to embarrassed those who worked with me too. But thank God, that I didn't mess up anything and in fact it was fun (though I look serious, really? Aw, I'm BORN with this face, not my choice though). I kept convinced myself that if I missed this I'll blame myself for the rest of my life. Sounded serious huh? But this is the truth... hehehe (what's wrong with me????)

I mean, life's too short so I have to cherish every chance I have to do the things I don't really dare or dying to do. If not, life's wasted. I'm only sixteen (a few more days to freaking seventeen) and I'm supposed to be wild and stupid and do crazy things. But the thing is, I'm not that kind of crazy, you know. I have my own boundaries and maybe it's because I'm raised that way. So please don't force my to do things I say no, because I only say no when I mean it (like that time my brother forced me to watch basketball youtube video and I was screaming my head off "NOOOOO", and that's your cue, dude). Okay this sounds a little old and cliche and weird and awkward, let's just stop here.

And recently I think I have to rewind a little bit about my "wish", that I want to record my songs and place them in YouTube whatsoever by my birthday. I mean, it's an unrealistic goal. I'm going to be seventeen next Wednesday, so it's not like I have time or energy to do that anymore. It's more realistic to do stuffs I like after SPM because dreams matter, but future also matters, too. So, I'm going to a mama's girl, be good and study. And speaking of that: I HAVEN'T STUDY FOR A FEW DAYS ALREADY I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO DOOM!! 

Ciao. Laters. (Too much Fifty? xoxo)

April Here

I know it's April 5th now, but I'd still like to talk about April because I'm running out of things to talk about. No, that's not true, the one of the pros of being a nagger is that I don't run out of anything to say, EVER. Just that all I ever said are complete bullshit.

April sort of mean something to me, because my birthday lies on April and two of my five closest friends' birthdays are in April, too. And also, there's no public holiday that lies on April and that this is the month that I have to study hard because my midterm's at May. I'm sorry, but can I cry? It's so OVERWHELMING.

And speaking of April and my birthday together, I'm starting to feel a little excited. I'm almost 17! I can't believe it! It seems like it's just yesterday that I was that kid just freshly graduated from primary school instead of leaving high school just this year! Not to mention colleges next year, and where to go and everything. Oh, God. 

I'm secretly hoping that (well since now I'm writing this in here, it doesn't count as a secret, but whatever, nobody really read this anyway) maybe I can achieve something I really wanted to achieve my whole life (sort of) before my birthday, or on my birthday. It seems like a unrealistic goal, but hey, a girl can dream! What I really wanted to achieve isn't to finish a novel (I once finished a Chinese novel, it's not good, but whatever) or to get slim overnight or something. No, what I really wanted (but nonetheless can't achieve in any right sense) to achieve before or on the day of my birthday (I prefer the "before" option) is that I can finally post one of my many songs on YouTube or at least, you know soundcloud. 

This sounds a little... I don't know. I know I can't do that before or the day on my birthday (before I officially turn 17, that's it) because first of all, I suck at finding the accompaniments for my songs and secondly, I don't really have the stuff to record my music and all. I mean, hello, my phone is so passe, and neither one of my parents actually own something that consider "high-tech". So yeah, I guess I should live it up in my dreams, haha.

What I'm really hoping for April is that it can treat me even better than the months before. And that something new (no, not love, please) can pop up in my life and I can have things DONE for once. Is this asking too much? 

One last thing, I really hope that time can pass slower so I won't have to freak out everyday about how much stuff I haven't study yet, and freak over about my piano and all that. I don't want to age by constantly worrying (how odd, that's ALL I ever do in my life) and get tons of wrinkles because I'm just at a tender age of 16+++++. 

Coffee doesn't Help

I know there's still a month and a few days before I have to face my midterms, but there's no way I can finish all of the subjects I need to master before the exam, because, duh, I'm too lazy last year to actually concentrate and study and so my form 4 stuffs just pile up and up so high I thought it's a mountain instead of books. So that practically means I have to study my butt off this month to actually get passable results, so that I can actually fight for scholarships and all that by using my midterms (not to mention, trial) results to apply and all. Hello, I'm not some kind of rich girl that doesn't need to even have GOOD results to get their butts into college and stuff because their parents are super rich to actually matter that amount of money and all.

Well, I don't have that kind of super-rich parents nor I have the finance to pull me through all the way through college, cause you know I still have a brother at home (though he's only thirteen) and I can't finish all the money for education used because he needs to use it in the future too. And also, getting scholarships basically means I can ease some of my parents' burden, that's like one stone two birds thingy. BUT, I have to work hard first, you know, to actually dare to even think about scholarships and all.

I don't know is it me or everybody else that have a hard time to concentrate while studying. EVERYTHING can occupies my attention while I'm studying, even minute things that doesn't even bother me when I'm not studying. It's like, hell. I can tell myself like, okay, this is serious and I have to finish this chapter NO MATTER WHAT, then all of a sudden, that urge to write songs appeared and I... sometimes give in. NOT ALL THE TIME, though. And that time, when I'm trying so hard to understand the stupid fish respiratory system (what's with the gills and operculums and buccal cavity and all), a reeking, blood-lust mosquito kept bothering me by constantly flapping its delicate wings flying round and round front of my eyes. Can't it see I'm busy studying????????? Well, I guess killing it doesn't help it understands what I'm saying. Huh.

So because of my lack of focus during studying (sure as hell I don't have that problem when I'm typing a story or writing my blog or writing in my journal of write songs, hell), I thought maybe I should try something to keep me wide awake after watching TV (guilty, if you can't tell) and so I figured maybe coffee is the ultimate solution for all these. Because the last time I drank that stupid cup of coffee, I CAN'T SLEEP ALL NIGHT LONG. Heaven knows how many sheep did I count that night, or how many songs I got through. Just so you know, being sleepless and listening to One Republic isn't the best solution, haha.

And yeah, I drank that coffee last night, figured that I won't fall asleep during studying or convinced myself to sleep because I can't even keep my eyes open to 1mm. It felt so good, and I felt that power in my veins and my heartbeats strong and THERE, and I thought HOLY CRAP IT WORKS YYYAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!! Until, you know, I pick up my History book and well yeah, the effects disappeared just right that second (I managed to got through Biology because, duh, it's more interesting) and my eyelids droop and I started to yawn about four times in a minute and I was thinking, no, I must get through this damn chapter because, hello, I'm running out of time.

I went downstairs and drank another cup of coffee, and sadly, I could only got through one chapter before I fell into a deep sleep. I mean, it's not even MIDNIGHT yet. It's like eleven twenty or something!! Think of the time I'd wasted!! (though I'm wasting my time right now by typing out this post and that I haven't even done my chores and I haven't even practice my piano and I'm so dead because I promised my brother we'll watch Criminal Minds after I finished this post and my dad wants to bring us out for lunch and that basically means I have no time after all, to study)

For your information, I'm drinking another cup of coffee (plus milo powder in it) to get through. But it doesn't help when coffee doesn't help, at all (rhyme?).

PS: Remember the last post I talked about choosing one of the two stories I wrote to enter the freaking competition? Well, yeah, most of the people chose the serial killer piece while my MOM and DAD and my BEST FRIEND chose the other one about twins. I'm torn, AGAIN.

Choices are brutal

For your information, I don't have to write an April Fool post on April Fool, which is today. So, as you see, I'm not writing it (blindingly obvious). But still, Happy Being Prank, you fellows out there (wink).

Being growing up changes a lot about how you think, but it hasn't changed mine about April Fool though, since I always think that it's a stupid occasion (no offense). So today is another typical day for me, still. Except the fact I received all my result papers (no, don't bug me for my results, I don't tell xoxo) and that I'm in for the English Oral "presentation" thingy (which is sort of stupid), and oh, that I watched my best bud went for her Chinese Oral debate and I as the audience sort of voiced my opinion against her, and we're cool, since I'm sort of forced by the teacher to give actual opinion since no one in my class wanted to do that. So yeah, basically it's like that.

Not that those were what I'm going to talk about (or write about) in this post, since these have nothing to do with my tittle. Just that, in my last post I was complaining (when the hell I wasn't complaining?) about my stupid, lame, old school, cliche story line. And just when I thought, oh yeah, I don't have to worry about that since the teacher will choose one for me and I'll just suck it up and move on and stuff, BUT (horror music, please), the teacher just walked over and whispered (okay, she's not whispering, but her voice was so tiny that you'll have the wrong impression) to me that I need to choose one of the two stories I wrote to enter the competition. I froze at there and almost chocked on my saliva. Seriously? The whole point I gave her two of my stories was that she could do the horrible CHOOSING part for me, instead of the other way round.

Oh, and did I mention that she commented on both my stories in just one sentence? That my first story about the FBI thingy (sorry, but I seriously can't get Criminal Minds out of my head) not to mention the serial killer who pulled off victim tongues because of his dead, mute mother, is kinda bloody and violent (??? I seriously don't get it since I don't think I really describe the horrible scene down to the very last detail to make it actually violent and scary since I had a 3000-word limit, hello?) and my other story about the twins thingy (cliche, again) was constructed in a good way but the story line was too boring because she could already guess the ending and that didn't help in the "surprise" and "suspense" part to draw readers to the end of my story and blah blah blah. Guess I just wrote all of that in one long sentence, huh.

And then, she left it all to me. It's like telling me that I have two babies and I can only choose my favorite and throw the other in the bin or something. Close enough. It's so HARD to make this sort of choices. That's why, CHOICES ARE BRUTAL!!!!!!!! And of course, insane. Since my head is about to split into two right now (also contributed by the fact that I'm wasting my time nagging in here instead of studying or bathing or--wait, did I mention that I haven't bathe? IGNORE THAT) and if that really happens, I'm going crazy since I don't know how to sew them back. 

So, I'm actually going to ask sotong to print out both stories (my printer ran out of ink by now) and give the class to read tomorrow and ask them to vote on the story they like better so I can just go straight without even thinking through and through till my brain cells all died and the fluid all dried up. Tee-Hee (too much nigahiga, can't blame me). 

If I'm not this confused and frustrated, and both of these stories aren't wrote by me, I'd just say: Hell, go with your guts. DO what your GUTS tell you so. The thing is, when these sort of thing happen to yourself, all these words are just bullshit. I mean it. (Harsh language? Ugh). 

What I'd like to say to myself now is: Be Happy, Grab a Cookie. 

(though I don't have cookie at home, since my mom said I'm fat enough to quit cookies and all those high calories stuff)

PS: To all the stalkers I actually know in real life out there-- I KNOW YOU ARE WATCHING ME AND REPORTING THIS TO MY MOM THIS VERY SECOND. Only that she doesn't really pick up her phone, much. And that she won't get work up, period. 

Anyway, laters. (Oops, fifty much?)