In Denial?

Hello people! 

I almost started this post with my typical "I can't believe it's (insert month) already!" and I stopped myself immediately. I'm getting old by repeating the same thing over and over again. I really need to stop being so nostalgic over passing time and ramble about how fast the time flies every single time I write a blog post. Now I realized all those quizzes I did are actually correct, that I'm actually a 69 year old lady on the inside instead of a 18 year old young blood. 

I've been wanting to write this blog post for quite a while, but I'm really busy as my AS examination is just a week from now *freaks* and actually, this blog post initiates from my own denial while dealing with the soon coming examination. I'm thinking about writing something like "5 symptoms of denial" but then after much considerations, I feel like I'm no expert in determining these kind of issues, and thus, I'm just going to share my own symptoms in denial, and hopefully make you feel like you're not the only one escaping your own responsibilities as a barely adult (or adult, or teen, or... just human in general).

The thought of responsibility sometimes overwhelms me, and with exams breathing down my neck, my survival instinct sorta kicks in and my brain snaps into denial in a fraction of a second. I don't believe I'm the only one in the entire world who suddenly have a lot of weird actions once denial kicks in. Right? Right? 

Anyway, just assure me that I'm not the only weird one in the entire world by agreeing with me after reading through the list below (please please please):

1) EAT A LOT

It's true that I already have a huge stomach in real life, but my appetite can expand into a never-ending black hole once my denial sets in. In order to avoid any form of studying, my brain will keep on prodding me to eat more and more and more. It's frustrating, I can assure you, that my stomach is actually to its limit but my brain is still going on non-stop in my head, chanting "come on, Maggie, you can eat more than this" or "How about that onigiri? It looks super appetizing!" or "TODAY IS SUSHI DAY AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO EAT SUSHI".... I hope you can really feel my pain deep inside, not only just for my bloating stomach, but also for my empty, crying wallet. Once I satisfied my brain after tons of delicious yet expensive food, I naively thought that I can finally sit down and focus on my task. But oh no, my oxygen is not going up to my brain so that I have the energy to process complicated concepts, but rather travel to my stomach to digest those damn food.

AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH.

That's my wallet and weight yelling in unison, if you mind. 

2) Video Addiction

I'm addicted to YouTube videos, as you guys know, but it's getting more and more out of hand as the exam is coming soon. I've tried a lot of things to reduce my video watching tendency, like buying those coloring books that supposedly will help in reducing stress or something, or staying back in college until late night and study with my ex-roommate. Well, those kind of things certainly helps a little, but nonetheless I'm still hooked on YouTube, from baking videos to pimple popping videos. I know, I'm so doomed. 

3) Baking

I have never ever ever tried baking in my entire life... until I started to have depressive thoughts and existential crisis, and now in denial of my exams. Like I said before, I watched tons of baking videos, like How To Cook That and also My Cupcake Addiction. Hours of hours watching other people whipping ingredients, dressing up the cakes and melting chocolates made me wanting to try it out myself and I eventually did. Good thing that I'm not the only one who's hooked on baking as my mom is enthusiastic in baking cakes. Maybe mostly because I tagged her baking videos a little bit too much. 

4) Writing

Okay. I must admit I'm not active in my blog for almost a month, but I don't only write in my blog, as you guys know. I pick up back my journal writing (which I escaped from it for quite a while.. mainly just escape from reality) and also start a Tumblr blog. I'm planning to keep my Tumblr a secret, and thus I'm not using my usual web name, which is "Maggie Chyi Chyi" (duh), so don't expect me to link my Tumblr in here or anywhere else. That's not just it, I've been writing tons of songs and mashups in mere days. Whenever I'm trying to focus on HIV and AIDS or Group II Elements, my mind will suddenly connects different songs together and play it over and over again in my brain until I couldn't ignore it and will immediately find a piece of paper to jot them down. Then I'll spend the rest of my time either testing out the chords (using my phone's piano app) with the songs or regretting wasting my time on insignificant stuffs. Not that writing songs are insignificant; they are, it's just that, hello, EXAMS ARE MORE IMPORTANT OKAY??????

Okay. I needa chill a little bit.

One good thing for you guys though, is that I'll be doing quite a few of mashups on my YouTube channels after my AS examinations. Yippee! 

5) Extreme Homesickness

Well.. this is not exactly an action, but what I feel strongly about. Whenever pressures is drowning me, I feel like escaping the whole world and just go back home and cry in my mom's embrace. Family makes everything feels better, and they'll always try to cheer me up whenever I'm down. So whenever I'm feeling extra homesicky (okay, not a word), I'll starting to count down to the day I'm able to go home. Pathetic, but true. 

6) Regression 

This... is kinda embarrassing. Whenever I'm escaping the whole universe or in extreme denial, I start to sing children's songs and mumble incoherent sentences. It used to freak out my old roommate, because I was acting like I'm 3 instead of 17 at that time. I will read tons of children books (if I have access to them) and simply hum weird tunes. By weird, I mean freaky. Those kind of tunes you'll think of a ghost baby humming. I refrain myself to do those kind of stuffs in public, because who knows one day I'll be send into a mental hospital because of that. Hmm. Well, I guess regression is kinda a better option than my usual repression, right? Right? I just really hope there won't be anyone answering me whenever I go cuckoo in my dorm room, because hey, I live alone. 

Anyway, those are some "symptoms" of me in denial. 

Everyone copes stress in a different way, and a little bit of denial wouldn't hurt much, I think. It sorts of help me to balance out my life. Or maybe not, based on what I written just now, it seems like I'm in extreme denial. Okay, I need to work on it, then.

Just... if you're having a bad day or having tons of stress building within you, it's okay to be in a little bit of denial and do weird stuffs to relief your stress. Just don't do stuffs that'll hurt you or ruin your entire life, like suddenly decide to quit everything and live your life as a hobo. Denial is just a way to release your stress, you still have to face your responsibilities and suck it up, like I'm going to do anyway. 

I guess this is basically it! I can't believe I spend two paragraphs rambling about a bullshit conclusion. But I seriously do hope it makes sense to you guys, and to help you guys know that you're not the only one feeling like you're blanking out from life just because you're stress. 

...

This post doesn't make any sense, I must still be in denial. 

Anyway,

Till next time, people!

xx

PS: I guess I won't be uploading anytime soon, but if I do, it must be me releasing my stress through writing blog posts. I'll see you 'round November!