Thoughts

Hello people!

This blog post is going to be another of my really random blog post about some recent updates and feelings. And if you notice, I'm kinda running out of blog post title when I'm writing really random posts. I somehow feel like college is draining away my creativity, sucking them dry like thirsty vampire. I'm kinda the opposite from everyone, since most of the people claimed that being in college sparked their creativities and allowed them to discover different sides to them. For me, I think high school sparked most of my creativity as I had a lot of spare time to do whatever I wanted to do, and therefore was able to express my creativity during my free time. 

It's all about balance, I guess. The feeling of depressed came back a couple of weeks before, and I kinda lost myself, about my future and what to do next. I was given the opportunity to actually transfer to July intake and start all over again, and I was thinking about it very thoroughly, in order for me to not make a wrong decision and ruin my whole life. That's when I lost it and completely freaked myself out. Like I said before, I had really low self-esteem until all my friends told me it's very, very unhealthy, and it affected me in a way I never imagined before. 

I started to doubt every single decision in my life and I was hungry for a fresh start. I got a choice to start college all over again, and that's sort of a fresh start I'm looking for. But the thing is, I was almost finishing my first semester of A Levels, and it is kinda a waste if I throw everything and start again, with the same subject combination and the same syllabus. It can get very dry, if I restart and relearn everything I already learned before, and wasted a year for the same thing. My self-esteem didn't help in making decisions; instead, it made it even worse. I was just a ball of mess; my thoughts were in a huge mess, my mind was not in a healthy place, and generally, I just felt like my whole life was just so messed up. I was so incredibly homesick and I couldn't seem to face another day with positive emotions. 

The thing is, I thought all my negative thoughts and feelings went away before, but I was wrong. It just came back like tsunami, or flash flood, and my whole world was suddenly underwater with me drowning underneath. My friend told me, in order to think clearly about what to do (well, in that point of life was whether to start over or not), is that I need to overcome my self-esteem that was pulling me down every single second. I know it perfectly well, but it's easier said than done, if you get what I mean. When a figurative black hole starting to pull you in, you can't stop it. You just can't. Or it's just me that I can't really escape from the black hole and endless self-reminders of how weak I am as a human being. I wanted to take a break from all the exhausting thoughts and negative emotions, and therefore I was almost to the point that I was going to pack up any time and just went straight into the admission office and tell them I'm going to transfer to July intake. 

That point in time, I was ready to throw away everything, because in my mind, I told myself I need time to feel positive again, and to overcome the negativity in me. If I continue on without ever solving the problem, it's not going to help with my academics or with my life. I was totally ready to make a change, and to pack up and leave. I went into the admission office, quite determined and asked them about the transferring process. 

The counselor who approached me sat down with me and asked me why I wanted to transfer and was there a valid reason for it. She asked if I was changing subject combination or changing from sciences to humanities. I answered no to both questions and she looked at me quite oddly. Then she asked how was I doing, academically and Nicole was there with me, I think she said I'm doing fine and I said the same thing too. The counselor furrowed her brows in confusion, probably thinking why on earth would I want to change intake if I'm coping in class. I guess she pretty much guessed something must be going wrong with me, and she suddenly asked if I was homesick. 

I don't know what got over me, but I started crying. Well, technically sobbing, because I was trying to hold back the howls in order to not look stupid in front of all the other people around us. I told her, yes, I was homesick and I missed my family very very much, but that's not really the reason why I wanted to transfer. Then I started to rant about how I view myself as a person and how stupid and useless and weak I am, and she was sitting beside me, her eyes a little bewildered with her mouth drop opened. After I finished ranting (not so), she took a while to process my words and took it all in slowly, as if to digest all of them before she gave any opinions. What I told her was (a short summary of it) I felt like I couldn't cope with everything, emotionally. I missed my family and I missed those times where I don't really have to worry about anything and everything, that time where I just lived in my own bubble without any stranger poking in. Now that the bubble I had for protection was gone, I felt very, very exposed. Naked, even. 

She seemed to be at a complete loss of words. After a few minutes of silence where she tried to comprehend what I was rambling about and me trying not to cry even harder, she told me that I should look at the good side of things. I should do what I like to do and she asked me what I like to do during my free time. I told her writing everything and reading (which I don't have time anymore) and she kinda seemed impressed because according to her, what she enjoyed the most is just watching TV and definitely not reading. Then she asked me if I learn any musical instruments and I told her piano and she asked what grade... and I told her, diploma and she completely freaked, well, in a good way. 

The counselor told me that actually I've accomplished quite a lot of things at a young age and instead of feeling very crappy of myself, I should feel proud and blessed to be this "talented" and "smart". She counted the good things about me, that firstly I'm smart in studying (or at least I have the luck to get good results); secondly, I'm good at reading and writing (sorta); thirdly, I'm good at music and I write songs and fourthly, I have an amazing family and great friends, who always got my back for me. (though she added that I look okay, appearance-wise, I don't believe her. Really, she's trying to be kind) And after she said those things, she told me to actually ask my subject teachers to evaluate on how I was doing so far before I rush into anything stupid. 

All of my teachers told me I was doing fine in class and well, of course they asked why I felt that way and I repeated my rants at least three more times. They all feel that I need to do something in order to not let the negative feeling eating me up. Well, that's kinda the end of it and I didn't transfer in the end, partly because I don't wanna waste time and partly because I didn't want to give up, and transferring seemed like a weak action of me. Don't ask me why I think so weirdly, I just do. 

And if you're wondering if I get any help... I didn't. Well, at least not yet. Because right after I decided to stay in my current intake, semester exams was just around the corner and I need to work my butt off for it because I didn't have any time for revision anymore, and I certainly didn't study before. That's procrastination for you. Anyway, for the week before exams, I kinda forced myself to go to the library, in order to feel guilty and then do something useful and productive... well, maybe not that productive, since I still studied for my chemistry like the night before exams. And that's the first time I read through my teacher's notes. I felt so guilty and I basically swallowed without thinking. 

What I was trying to say is that with exams closing onto me, I didn't have spare time to think about those depressing thoughts. My routine was almost the same and I didn't break the cycle so I can think about other stuffs. Or at least I tried not to, but during that time, I only felt really depressed once, so it's kinda okay, I guessed. I just finished my examinations today (don't ask how I did... okay, I did quite badly, I think) and I'm currently in my home with my family members around me. I decided to actually evaluate how I feel for these two weeks (because I was so busy before I didn't have time to evaluate how I really feel, deep inside) and only then decide whether I need professional help or anything. But for now, I'll just focus on the positive side of things, and try to convince myself I'm not as bad as I think I am. That makes me feel a lot better, on the inside.

Speaking of holidays, I'm currently on my semester break and it lasted for TWO WEEKS. I'm so freaking happy about it!  But also, I can't believe my first semester was already over. Where did time go? Not to be cliche, but seriously, I feel like it's only March or something when really, we're reaching to the end of May. 

I know it's been a really, really long time since I did any song covers or original songs on YouTube, and also write about something meaningful or some book posts on this blog, because I was busy and I hadn't read any books recently. It sucks a lot and I'm going to drown myself in books this holiday. What I'm planning to do is to do a couple of songs on YouTube and try to finish most of the books I bought before, which was kinda a mission impossible, because trust me I have no self-control when I entered a bookstore. I'm just obsessed with books and buying them, making them my possession... I just realized I sounded like some creepy old witch. NOOOOOOO. I'm just a human, believe me please.

I'm actually really tired right now, and I think I need to replenish energy by sleeping because what I really lacked the past few days, was my sleep. I feel so sorry for my body when I'm older, I'm so going to suffer... or at least I hope not. 

I'm going to go lie on the bed, with old school music on the radio. Basically just try to relax and enjoy life. I'll see you guys soon, I promise.

Till next time people.

xx