Dreams

Hello people! 

I was scrolling through my feeds just now, and I saw something that sparked my interest. It said (in Chinese) "two stranger who can't see each other being asked the same questions, and one of the answers will make you cry". I clicked in without any hesitation, and underneath the article, there was a link to the video and I clicked on it, too. 

Just keep in mind I was viewing the video with Chinese subtitles so I'm actually translating as I go, so it might not be as accurate as the original one, and the meaning or wording might differ from the English version, so don't judge.

It was a black and white video, with people speaking language that I don't understand. Two complete strangers were sitting next to each other, in between them was a piece of huge cardboard (I'm not sure what that is, but it seemed to me as a piece of cardboard), both of them facing to the camera and the interviewer (I believe). To be more accurate, there were pairs of two complete strangers being interviewed. Two questions were being asked, one was "what is your dream?" and another one was "what makes you happy?". 

Actually, the strangers were paired up with one typical, normal human being like us, and another a cancer patient or the family members of cancer patients. For the normal people who live normal lives and have normal problems, most of them answered their dreams were to travel, to pass certain examinations, to become a journalist in NYC, to have fun with family and friends; as for what contributes to their happiness, were also typical answers that we'll all answer (the truth is I forgot their answers to be happy, I'm really sorry). But then, what the cancer patients and their family members said, were trivial things to us, the things that we took for granted in our lives. Like how a young cancer patient wished that she could walk, how a mother wished that her daughter would keep fighting, keep battling on to live, and how another girl said that what makes her happy was as simple as feeling the air touches her cheek. The other person next beside was at a loss of words, reflecting about what they said, what they had and what the cancer patient was wishing for, was everything we all already have, but didn't appreciate or grateful for them.

That struck me so badly. Yes, we all have some good days and bad days, it's totally okay to whine and complain for a while. But we didn't seem to realize that, we actually have a lot of blessings in our lives. We didn't count our blessings but rather concentrate on meaningless things like "oh I didn't get a good grade for my examinations", "my WiFi doesn't run well" and sometimes "I hate the life I'm having right now" when our lives are perfection to those who didn't have it. Yes, we are lucky. That's the word, lucky. I feel so ashamed after watching the video that I actually hated my life before, and being so negative when everything is in fact going quite well. I know I can't help those shitty feelings, but seeing others struggling to have the little bliss I have right now, I honestly feel so, so guilty. I must say, I learn a little something today that helps me grow, and help me feel better about myself and appreciate everything that I have. That the fact that I can walk, I can run, I can sing, I can talk and that I'm living are worth being happy for. 

I realized how ungrateful I was, and how stupid I was to hate my own life.

I also thought about my old, abandoned dreams before. Or rather, ambitions I had before I knew I wasn't suitable for them. Like when I was little, unlike anybody else who wanted to become teachers, I wanted to become a mother... Okay, that's a little weird for a seven-year-old to think about, but that was I thought back then. Then eventually, I moved on believing I'll become a scientist when I grow up, until I realized that studying science wasn't as easy as I think. Well, also, I eventually realized I like theory more than practical. Then I hoped to become a writer, a singer, an actress, a lawyer, a news reporter... I had so many dreams and so many imaginations till I couldn't recall anymore. Life is like this, I guess, to learn as you go, and eventually figure out what suits you and what you want to achieve in life, in the end. 

I still don't really know what I want to do with my life, and what to achieve in my life. When others asked me what I want to do after studying, I said I want to become a lecturer and teach psychology, which is my favorite subject in forever. But then I rethink and I evaluate if I really want to become a lecturer afterwards, I don't have an answer. Well, I guess maybe in a month or two's time I'll know, or maybe I'll take longer to figure it out, but eventually, I believe I will. 

Dreams are what we wish to happen, and it's everything we wanted to achieve, or to have in life. Different people will have different dreams, different goals, but in the end, we just want to achieve something we want very badly. 

Cancer patients who couldn't live a normal life as they did before they were diagnosed will try everything to get their old life back, and I'm truly touched and inspired. Now that I know how trivial my problems are (i.e. low self-esteem), I'll try to work on it and try hard to look at the positive side of my life... because in the end, I'm going to live my life whether I live it happy or the other way round, and I definitely don't want to wallow in depression for the rest of my life. 

I'm not saying that having little problems are not problems at all compare to those huge problems other have. But just maybe pause for a second, think about how the others have it harder, and take on a more positive attitude to solve the problem like a champ. 

I guess this is all for today, and I realized I'm quite... positive today. It is a good sign, I believe. I'll keep on being positive. Or at least, that's my new goal for now. 

I'm going to sign off and chill with the new book I'm currently reading. Well, not that new, I bought it a while ago but didn't have time to read it. It's Anne Frank's Diary of a Young Girl, and I figured reading it will changed my perspective about life and also make me appreciate my life more... and leave me with an extremely red nose from crying. 

Haha.

Anyways.

Till next time people!

xx

Thoughts

Hello people!

This blog post is going to be another of my really random blog post about some recent updates and feelings. And if you notice, I'm kinda running out of blog post title when I'm writing really random posts. I somehow feel like college is draining away my creativity, sucking them dry like thirsty vampire. I'm kinda the opposite from everyone, since most of the people claimed that being in college sparked their creativities and allowed them to discover different sides to them. For me, I think high school sparked most of my creativity as I had a lot of spare time to do whatever I wanted to do, and therefore was able to express my creativity during my free time. 

It's all about balance, I guess. The feeling of depressed came back a couple of weeks before, and I kinda lost myself, about my future and what to do next. I was given the opportunity to actually transfer to July intake and start all over again, and I was thinking about it very thoroughly, in order for me to not make a wrong decision and ruin my whole life. That's when I lost it and completely freaked myself out. Like I said before, I had really low self-esteem until all my friends told me it's very, very unhealthy, and it affected me in a way I never imagined before. 

I started to doubt every single decision in my life and I was hungry for a fresh start. I got a choice to start college all over again, and that's sort of a fresh start I'm looking for. But the thing is, I was almost finishing my first semester of A Levels, and it is kinda a waste if I throw everything and start again, with the same subject combination and the same syllabus. It can get very dry, if I restart and relearn everything I already learned before, and wasted a year for the same thing. My self-esteem didn't help in making decisions; instead, it made it even worse. I was just a ball of mess; my thoughts were in a huge mess, my mind was not in a healthy place, and generally, I just felt like my whole life was just so messed up. I was so incredibly homesick and I couldn't seem to face another day with positive emotions. 

The thing is, I thought all my negative thoughts and feelings went away before, but I was wrong. It just came back like tsunami, or flash flood, and my whole world was suddenly underwater with me drowning underneath. My friend told me, in order to think clearly about what to do (well, in that point of life was whether to start over or not), is that I need to overcome my self-esteem that was pulling me down every single second. I know it perfectly well, but it's easier said than done, if you get what I mean. When a figurative black hole starting to pull you in, you can't stop it. You just can't. Or it's just me that I can't really escape from the black hole and endless self-reminders of how weak I am as a human being. I wanted to take a break from all the exhausting thoughts and negative emotions, and therefore I was almost to the point that I was going to pack up any time and just went straight into the admission office and tell them I'm going to transfer to July intake. 

That point in time, I was ready to throw away everything, because in my mind, I told myself I need time to feel positive again, and to overcome the negativity in me. If I continue on without ever solving the problem, it's not going to help with my academics or with my life. I was totally ready to make a change, and to pack up and leave. I went into the admission office, quite determined and asked them about the transferring process. 

The counselor who approached me sat down with me and asked me why I wanted to transfer and was there a valid reason for it. She asked if I was changing subject combination or changing from sciences to humanities. I answered no to both questions and she looked at me quite oddly. Then she asked how was I doing, academically and Nicole was there with me, I think she said I'm doing fine and I said the same thing too. The counselor furrowed her brows in confusion, probably thinking why on earth would I want to change intake if I'm coping in class. I guess she pretty much guessed something must be going wrong with me, and she suddenly asked if I was homesick. 

I don't know what got over me, but I started crying. Well, technically sobbing, because I was trying to hold back the howls in order to not look stupid in front of all the other people around us. I told her, yes, I was homesick and I missed my family very very much, but that's not really the reason why I wanted to transfer. Then I started to rant about how I view myself as a person and how stupid and useless and weak I am, and she was sitting beside me, her eyes a little bewildered with her mouth drop opened. After I finished ranting (not so), she took a while to process my words and took it all in slowly, as if to digest all of them before she gave any opinions. What I told her was (a short summary of it) I felt like I couldn't cope with everything, emotionally. I missed my family and I missed those times where I don't really have to worry about anything and everything, that time where I just lived in my own bubble without any stranger poking in. Now that the bubble I had for protection was gone, I felt very, very exposed. Naked, even. 

She seemed to be at a complete loss of words. After a few minutes of silence where she tried to comprehend what I was rambling about and me trying not to cry even harder, she told me that I should look at the good side of things. I should do what I like to do and she asked me what I like to do during my free time. I told her writing everything and reading (which I don't have time anymore) and she kinda seemed impressed because according to her, what she enjoyed the most is just watching TV and definitely not reading. Then she asked me if I learn any musical instruments and I told her piano and she asked what grade... and I told her, diploma and she completely freaked, well, in a good way. 

The counselor told me that actually I've accomplished quite a lot of things at a young age and instead of feeling very crappy of myself, I should feel proud and blessed to be this "talented" and "smart". She counted the good things about me, that firstly I'm smart in studying (or at least I have the luck to get good results); secondly, I'm good at reading and writing (sorta); thirdly, I'm good at music and I write songs and fourthly, I have an amazing family and great friends, who always got my back for me. (though she added that I look okay, appearance-wise, I don't believe her. Really, she's trying to be kind) And after she said those things, she told me to actually ask my subject teachers to evaluate on how I was doing so far before I rush into anything stupid. 

All of my teachers told me I was doing fine in class and well, of course they asked why I felt that way and I repeated my rants at least three more times. They all feel that I need to do something in order to not let the negative feeling eating me up. Well, that's kinda the end of it and I didn't transfer in the end, partly because I don't wanna waste time and partly because I didn't want to give up, and transferring seemed like a weak action of me. Don't ask me why I think so weirdly, I just do. 

And if you're wondering if I get any help... I didn't. Well, at least not yet. Because right after I decided to stay in my current intake, semester exams was just around the corner and I need to work my butt off for it because I didn't have any time for revision anymore, and I certainly didn't study before. That's procrastination for you. Anyway, for the week before exams, I kinda forced myself to go to the library, in order to feel guilty and then do something useful and productive... well, maybe not that productive, since I still studied for my chemistry like the night before exams. And that's the first time I read through my teacher's notes. I felt so guilty and I basically swallowed without thinking. 

What I was trying to say is that with exams closing onto me, I didn't have spare time to think about those depressing thoughts. My routine was almost the same and I didn't break the cycle so I can think about other stuffs. Or at least I tried not to, but during that time, I only felt really depressed once, so it's kinda okay, I guessed. I just finished my examinations today (don't ask how I did... okay, I did quite badly, I think) and I'm currently in my home with my family members around me. I decided to actually evaluate how I feel for these two weeks (because I was so busy before I didn't have time to evaluate how I really feel, deep inside) and only then decide whether I need professional help or anything. But for now, I'll just focus on the positive side of things, and try to convince myself I'm not as bad as I think I am. That makes me feel a lot better, on the inside.

Speaking of holidays, I'm currently on my semester break and it lasted for TWO WEEKS. I'm so freaking happy about it!  But also, I can't believe my first semester was already over. Where did time go? Not to be cliche, but seriously, I feel like it's only March or something when really, we're reaching to the end of May. 

I know it's been a really, really long time since I did any song covers or original songs on YouTube, and also write about something meaningful or some book posts on this blog, because I was busy and I hadn't read any books recently. It sucks a lot and I'm going to drown myself in books this holiday. What I'm planning to do is to do a couple of songs on YouTube and try to finish most of the books I bought before, which was kinda a mission impossible, because trust me I have no self-control when I entered a bookstore. I'm just obsessed with books and buying them, making them my possession... I just realized I sounded like some creepy old witch. NOOOOOOO. I'm just a human, believe me please.

I'm actually really tired right now, and I think I need to replenish energy by sleeping because what I really lacked the past few days, was my sleep. I feel so sorry for my body when I'm older, I'm so going to suffer... or at least I hope not. 

I'm going to go lie on the bed, with old school music on the radio. Basically just try to relax and enjoy life. I'll see you guys soon, I promise.

Till next time people.

xx

18th Birthday and oh Hello May!

Hello people! 

I know it's May already, and yet I had write a blog post on my birthday. Do forgive me, because I was too busy catching up with life. I had an existential crisis again not long ago, or I like to put it as "me thinking thoroughly what I'm doing with my life phase", but now I feel so much better, so here's another blog post! On my birthday (duh, obviously) and just random recent updates.

It's so unreal! I'm officially eighteen! It feels like yesterday when I was just a freshman student in my secondary school, and look at me now, in college! Well college = struggling to live on my own, and trying very hard not to make my life a huge mess, haha. 

That aside, I don't feel any difference. I feel like I'm still me, maybe a little wiser, a little older, and definitely even more sarcastic. I still have the same dreams and fantasies, and I still have the same stand on things I believe in. I still rebel sometimes, get frustrated when I put on extra weight and also can't seem to hold myself back when it comes to food and books! Well, I guess nothing about me really changed much. I'm still me, and that's a comfort to know, since I'm really scared that I'll turn into a stranger when I grow up. One thing is that, I don't really feel all grown up. I still have a lot of growing up to do ahead, especially mentally.

I'm not going to write down a lot on my birthday, because I already did a vlog on my birthday. If you haven't check it out, you can click HERE to watch it. It's my first attempt at doing vlog and it may not be the best one, but I did give my best in doing it! You can see I got a little uncomfortable at first, but eventually got used to it. The only downside of doing it is I got a lot of weird glances from strangers, thinking I'm probably cuckoo, talking into my phone as I walked. 

Anyway, my birthday was kinda fun. It's my first birthday spent away from my family, so I was kinda sad because we always celebrate my birthday together as a whole. We did did an early celebration, and my mom cook mee sua for my birthday (which is kinda a tradition in my family). 

My mom did call just after midnight to wish me a happy birthday, and it's kinda sweet. I missed them so much during my birthday, but it's also kinda cool celebrating it with my friends. 

I was actually late to class the morning of my birthday. Not late late, but like 5 minutes late. I tiptoed in class, not wanting to disturb them, or rather draw any attention to myself. But then my psychology teacher who seemed to know it's my birthday said happy birthday to me, and the whole class broke into a chorus of "Happy Birthday!" and then starting to sing the happy birthday song. It's so nice of them, but given the fact that I don't know what to do when others are singing, it made me felt kinda awkward. Then my friends actually gave me a cute little paper with "FREE MEAL" or "FREE LUNCH" on the paper which the expiry date was my birthday. It's obvious my lunch was on them, haha. After class, me and PY went to Sunway Pyramid to get some desserts for my birthday (or just for the sake's of our cravings) and at night, sotong bought me cake and we went to BBQ plaza for dinner. I know, I know, I'm going to put on some solid weight after all those food. And yes, I did put on weight.

Serves me right.

Yes, that's a lot of food, and it's not all of it, because I don't wanna to upload tons of photos, haha. That doesn't really stop here, because Nicole's birthday was just a day after mine (mine was on 23rd April) and sotong's birthday was just a few days after. So... more food.

Okay. Enough of food. It's currently midnight here, and I'm having the idea of dieting in my mind. Looking at food is definitely not going to help, at all.

Yesterday I hanged out with my group of secondary school besties, and I can't believe how much I missed them! During secondary school we always spent our recess time together and was almost always together. I missed them so much in my life. They were a constant, like the air, till I took them for granted. And now only know that I miss them so terribly much when I'm in college. Whenever I feel down or anything, I ran straight to them in our group chat, and they always seemed to make me feel a lot better about myself. We all headed in different directions, and it's kinda sad to know that we can't spend as much time as before. It'll be worse if anyone of us go overseas to study. Well, Janine (one of my girls) went to Singapore, but that's okay since it's only like 3 hours away from our hometown. 

This makes me really sad and happy both at the same time. Sad that we head into different directions and continue on with lives, and happy that we all sort of dived into what we're really after in our lives. I'm so happy I got to meet up with them yesterday. A couple of hours was not enough for us to chat and gossip, and I'm definitely looking forward to my semester break, which is coming in a month! Of course, I'm so not excited about the semester exams that's coming before my holiday, ugh.

I can't believe it's May already! I still feel like it's the start of the year, not the middle of it. May, please be good to me. Less existential crisis and more hardworking please, haha. The one thing I really hope is that I can be less of a procrastinator. That'll make my life a heck lot easier. 

Ooh, and remember I said about my weight gain? My mom said that I really need to go on a diet or something. Well, when my mom said that, it's kinda serious. I think I really need to go on a strict diet or something, which means that there won't be as much food photos on my blog post like today. I think it's good for me to cut down my food intake, because it's kinda getting out of hand. I can actually stuffed in food after food without thinking how much weight I can put on! It's also really unhealthy of me to eat a lot of oily food and chocolate. I feel so guilty. 

So start from today, I'm trying to eat more fruits and vegetables and try not to overeat (which is really, really hard for me, because I binge eat a lot). Exercise is a must (according to my mom) but I'm really lazy to move around. Let's just see how.

Wish me luck.

It's kinda late now, and I have to stop. It seems like I always write my blog post late at night this year, hmm. This is also a very bad habit.

Anyhoo.

Till next time people!

xx