Hello people.
This post is dedicated to all of you who feel insecure about yourself, mentally or physically.
I know how it feels, being extremely insecure till you wanna hide yourself under your bed and never ever go out again. You keep on finding excuses for yourself to be socially inactive, to avoid people because you can see judgement in their eyes, though deep down inside you know it's only all going on in your head. It's not just a phase that people keep telling you that you need to get past through it, because it starts very early in your life and you can't seem to get rid of it even after many, many years. Instead, you continue feeling self-conscious with no self-confidence at all and you get used to it because you know it can't even go away. It stays with you presumably forever in your life, and the only way to survive is to endure it, and trying to get some fresh air above water before it pulls you down and attempt to drown you again.
You were being called names like 'ugly', 'stupid', 'unwanted', 'fat' and so many more horrible names till you lost count of your own beauty and confidence. The labels stuck on you even after you finished primary school, secondary school and follow you even more tightly in life. Sure, you tried to shrug off those labels, but the ones who stuck them on you nailed them so deep you can't pull those out without bleeding to death. Instead, you keep them with you to prove that you survived those cruel battles and those were your trophies of surviving. You wouldn't want to share your feelings with others because they'll regard your feelings as stupid and told you to get over with it, that your problems were meaningless and useless and small, compared to the others living in even worse conditions.
Let me tell you something, there's no such thing as problems that are too small or insignificant. It is true that some people got it worse in the other parts of the world, but that doesn't mean that your problems don't matter. They do matter, and they matter a lot to you. They made you feel uncomfortable, sad, depressed, self-conscious, unworthy, unwanted and made you wonder what is worth living for anymore. They made you feel alone and lonely, that no one in the world will ever understand your pain and your loneliness. The truth is, there are so much more out there going through the same thing, it's just that we are all silent about it so that we won't be judged even more than the others and so that we can pretend that we're strong enough to fly with all those chains locking us down.
We're humans and we all have flaws; so why pick on each others and make each others feel bad about themselves? Why make us feel bad about ourselves?
Some people were hurt before and they project their hurt feelings onto somebody else, telling that somebody what he or she was being told before, and to pull someone else down with him/her so him/her can feel better about themselves. This need to stop and this need to stop quick. This endless cycle is making even more people feeling worse about themselves and feeling worse about the world. Be responsible, face your own problems and don't make it others'. You know how bad it feels, pulling down by the others. So why do this to someone that actually can relates to you? Why discriminate people when you have the choice to share what little love you have to the world?
Even after many years passed and you had finally achieved something in life. That should make you feel good about yourself, but it still doesn't. The labels were screwed tight onto you and even though today when you're succeed you can't feel good about yourself. You look into the mirror and still see the thirteen-year-old you looking back at you with the word "loser" blazed over your forehead. Even if you lost a lot of weight you still see yourself as fat and ugly; even though you got extremely good results you still think that you're stupid; even there's that very special someone out there loving you you still feel unwanted, because the scars, they stayed deep down beneath our skins and in our heart. The disgust flows in your bloodstreams and roots deep into your mind till you got used of it.
You don't know why it can't fade away. I don't know why it can't fade away.
Maybe you're in school, feeling invisible; maybe you're standing in front of the mirror, feeling disgusted; maybe you're just there lying in your bed, wishing that everything about you can change in a better way.
You hate yourself, more than you can feel emotionally.
You hate yourself for everything you are and not being everything you wanted to be.
But don't. Don't hate yourself. Tell yourself that you're worth it, tell yourself that you're beautiful, tell yourself that one day you'll shine as bright as the sun and set everything on fire till people can't take their eyes off you.
You're never lonely and you're never invisible. Instead, you're unique and were created for a reason.
To be happy and to be you. The one and only you.
Look back at how much you had survived through and call yourself a survivor; look at how much you fought to live and call yourself a fighter. You're not weak, you're brave. Brave enough to face another day when all you wanted was to never get up again.
Tell yourself that you're incredible by getting through day after day without falling apart. Tell yourself that everything'll be okay when things starting to fall apart. Tell yourself it's normal to feel sad or depressed, as long as you acknowledge the feelings and decided to make a difference. Maybe getting out of bed is a tough thing for you to do, so reward yourself if you're able to pull yourself out of bed and get through another day. Don't be ashamed of yourself and your so-called little problems. If they're huge problems to you, they're huge no matter what the others laughed at your "minute" problems. You're all that matters. You.
Listen to people who encouraged you and block out people who try to pull you down. You don't need anymore negativity in your life. Do something you like on a daily basis. Go out on an adventure if you wanted to. Most importantly, don't compare yourself to the others. She may have a great body figure, he may have the brains or they may be the popular kids you always wanted to be a part of. But they're not you and they can never be you nor replace you or even make you feel smaller and weaker. Everyone is different in their own way. If you can see their strong side, why can't you find yours?
You may be kind, empathizing, loving, shy, creative or anything else. Don't feel like you're not worth it. You're totally worth it, from the bottom to the top. Every inch of you, inside and outside.
I hate myself and I have a hard time going through it. People don't regard this as seriously as other "important" stuffs. They think that self-conscious is just a phase you need to get through. Yes, I need to get through it, but how can I get through when everybody treat my fear as silly and stupid? This is where I start to tell myself that everything is going to be fine and learn to love myself day by day.
If you hate yourself, you know I feel you and I understand. I can't say it'll get better in a blink of eye, but it'll get better day by day, a little by a little.
The only solution to stop you from hating yourself?
Love.
Learn to love yourself and see the positive side of things.
Love yourself, look for your strengths and love your flaws.
Wherever you are, if you're feeling unloved (including yourself), please know that I love you.
And I'll learn to love myself.
Till next time people.
xx
