Not Okay

Hello people.

I believe that this will be the last post of March and as much as I hate to end this month with an unhappy blog post, I have to be true to myself. Today (or rather yesterday, since it's over midnight now) I'm feeling not okay, and I feel lost. 

This is very private and I feel wrong to post this up. I'm not an open person and I feel like I betray myself somehow to expose bits and bits of me. Sometimes I doubt if writing blog is a right thing to do, as it provides an insight for my friends and family members who read my blog about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't like the feeling that they will probably judge me behind my back, or ask me straight in the face. I choose to write in here or in my journal because I don't feel like discussing, but rather expressing so I can feel better. 

Before writing this blog post, I was debating with myself whether or not to write this blog post because I feel like this is private, and I hardly put up any private stuffs about me. Maybe once in a long while, but never really something that's too important. Sometimes I rambled in here when I feel sad or happy, and sometimes whined about my personal problems, but those weren't major stuffs I wanna hide. This is, and I feel like I'm betraying myself somehow. My mind's spinning in circle and I can't really breathe. I told myself, screw it, I need a way out and now my journal cannot fulfill it. I want someone to understand, to empathize, to read this and say hey I know how this feels. 

So. Here I am. Earphones plugged and unplugged from the real world, sinking into this content feeling of writing (or rather typing). I used to feel liberated while writing, and what I need tonight is to be liberated. Again, here I am, exposing as much as I'm able, to my limit. And before anything, I feel like this is going to be another of my very-long-and-tedious piece. If you don't feel like reading to a teenage's so-called problems, you're welcome to click that little cross on the top right and be excuse from my misery.

I've been having a lot of mood swings since I got my SPM results. A second before I was extremely happy, and the other second I could feel really down, and feel like why did I exist and what is the point of my existence? I feel like lying face-down on the bed or just crawl under the bed and never come out again. Sometimes I think how lucky I am, and the second next I was terribly anxious what if these really all are based on my constant luckiness and what'd happen to me if my luckiness decides to leave me all of a sudden. Self-doubts roll on my like tsunami and I feel like I'm not able to swim away from it, and all I can do is just try to put my head up once in a while to get some air in order to survive. I feel like all of my successes were flukes and I can never ever truly be someone in my life. I can never ever find my place in this world and I'm destined to fail. 

I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like everything is stumbling and I don't have the air to cry out for help. On the surface, I'm still the somewhat playful-yet-serious me, but on the inside, I feel like a rotten apple. Rotten-to-the-core kind of apple. I feel like I don't deserve anything I have now, and I'm afraid that I'll lose everything I have now just in a blink of eye. I can function normally, but I'm numb to a point to only feel the mood swings. Those mood swings are horrible and I'm scared that they'll take a toll on me. I'm afraid I cannot win the battle, me versus my mood swings. 

In short, I'm drowned with mood swings and worry about my sanity.

I'm truly happy to be a bursary student, that my parents don't have to be worried about my tuition fees and my living expenses. Almost everything's covered, and for this I'm eternally grateful. I'm glad that somehow I can save money for my parents as my family is not wealthy and cannot really afford to spend a lot of money on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be able to cut down some of their burdens, it's true. But it's also true that I'm starting to feel pressured. "Bursary" seemed to be a term that will burdened me as it is a term to separate top scorers from the rest. The thing is, I don't feel like I'm a top scorer. I know I'm not a top scorer. Yes, I did okay in my school internal examinations, but that "okay" was not great. Now that I'm a bursary student, people either think that I'm damn smart, have too much luck or the kind of people who only studied behind locked doors. I know I don't usually care what other people think of me, but it's hard to control the direction of my thoughts. I may be a little smart, but not smart enough, and this new status give me everything that I dreamed of (having not to pay my tuition fees and all) and everything that I'm afraid of (people think that I'm terribly smart when I'm not). 

I know you guys will start on me saying things like: "why are you thinking so much when you already got it?" or "enough, don't flaunt that you're a bursary student anymore" or "can you stop whining?" Sorry for that. I admit I do think too much and am a pessimist (if you can't tell, you suck at observing), and I definitely whine a lot in my life, but I'm not flaunting. I really am not. 

I really don't know how to describe this, but I feel like I accidentally barged into a world I don't belong. It's scary and it's really terrifying. I looked at the other top scorers and immediately know that I don't belong. I could see their futures so bright till they blinded my eyes. I know this is only going on in my head, but I can't stop it. I can't stop feeling nervous and worry about the things that may never ever happen, like for instance, not getting into universities that's on the government list and I don't get to get the free scholarship for my degree. I know this is too far away for me to be freaking over it now, but like I said before, I can't help myself. Everyone thinks that I'm a top student now and I feel like those expectations were like chains on me. They'll think that I'm modest when I said I'm not smart; they'll think that I'm fake when I said I'm lazy to study; they'll expect me to do extraordinary things I never thought that I'll be capable of doing. I'm terrified. What if I fail everything and everyone, including me?

I feel like a sane person wrong-footed into an asylum, and nobody would believe me that I'm sane. 

Although that description is weird, it is the best I can think of. A senior once told me that being a bursary student in Malaysia is the best and I believe that. For me, this whole new experience is the best and the worst both at the same time. 

I had a plan before I miraculously got bursary as I never ever expected that I would actually be so lucky to get a place in the bursary program. I was planning to survive my A Levels and study here in Malaysia and get a student loan or something so my parents don't need to pay so much for me. I never even think of going overseas just because I couldn't afford to. There're some people who told me that your parents will definitely find money if you really want to go overseas but why would I do that to my parents? They had sacrificed a lot for me, and I don't need to add up their burdens. They also say that it'll be a good experience for me to go overseas and study, and do part time jobs to earn money so I can afford to pay my tuition fees. Sorry, but I don't see how I can concentrate both my studies and a job at once. Do you know how expensive it is to go overseas? Do you realize how much money I can save if I study in Malaysia? Tons, that's how much.

Now that I got bursary, I was given a chance to get JPA (whom will support me financially throughout my degree if I meet their requirements) if I can get into top 50 universities. No pressure. 

Like hell there's no pressure. I mean, hello, top universities for God's sake. I only got good results for SPM because I got lucky! Not because I'm incredibly smart and all! I'm kinda stressed out by my attitude (that does not like to study at all) and scared that I'm not able to get JPA because my luckiness decided to leave me or something. I don't think I get to be lucky all the time. I really don't. 

My friends kept say to me that I'm great the way I am and be confident about myself. I tried to, but I can't. I cannot stop myself from thinking negatively about myself and think that everything good that ever happened to be were all flukes and when my apparent "luckiness" stopped, I'm all doomed. I'm not talented and not smart, that's all I can think about. I don't even think that I deserve to be anywhere or to be anyone. 

This is what I identify as my existential crisis. 

I often feel left out and unwanted. I look into the mirror and I hate what I see. I want to cry but my eyes are way too dry. I feel invisible and useless. I hope this is all a dream and everything will go back to normal and then I spend the rest of the time figuring out what the word "normal" really defined to me. I smile but I don't feel happy. I eat but I feel guilty as hell. I want to escape from all my responsibilities but know I can't because I don't want to let down my family. I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. I just continue to encourage myself to go through one day at a time and tell myself to calm down once I got panic thinking about life and futures. 

Sometimes I just wanna crawl back into my mother's lap and inhale her scent but realize I'm in a whole new city she's not in. 

I'm starting to be even more afraid of crowds. I feel like they're all closing in on me and I feel inadequate. I didn't go for my freshies night and yesterday, when I was walking back from the mall, I felt intimidated by the large amount of people walking around me. I instantly pulled out my earphones and walked as fast as I could, letting the music drowned out my audible gasps. 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm now just a wreck of emotions. 

I'm placing expectations on my shoulders, even those expectations that automatically formed in my head without people really telling me. Now my classmates know that I'm a top scorer makes them think that I'm that kind of smart and quiet person (I hardly speak in class because I don't feel like I belong, or rather, I don't think we have that much in common) and my teachers all know that I'm a bursary student and will be surprise when I eventually get bad results for my tests and all. I even feel guilty right now typing in here when I know I can totally use this hour for studying purposes. 

I'm mentally unhealthy and I know that. I just hope that I can survive through this phase and move on and never ever visit back in this "dark period" I'm experiencing now. 

I think I put too my pressure on myself recently, or rather think about my problems way too much, whether it's the real kind of problems or the imaginative kind of problems. I need to change, but how?

Sorry for this long and tedious and boring and depressing blog post. I really hope that I feel better after writing this blog post but I don't feel any difference right now. Maybe a long sleep will do good to me, and help me to escape from reality. I don't think I'll discuss this with my friends because they won't understand.

You need to go through this to understand, to be regard by others as someone who's not you as you. 

This is confusing to you, I know. And once again sorry if you really read through the whole thing. I didn't mean to cause you any pain reading through this. 

Anyway.

Till next time people.

xx