Feeling Better

Hello people.

If you read my blog post last night (or rather this early morning) you'll notice that I was a little bit... wild. As in insane. That's true, I was having one of the "moments" of feeling lost and insecure. So after finishing that blog and still not feel any better (I felt like it was the wrong thing to do to blog my problems), I did what I usually do when I was feeling down: I watched tons and tons of YouTube videos, especially danisnotonfire's videos about existential crisis and all that. 

You know that feeling that you wanna cry but you can't? Well, I projected those feelings onto the videos I watched, and told myself everything will be okay the next time I opened up my eyes. So I gave myself permission to escape from reality and just live in the YouTube world. Or rather, Dan and Phil's world. I find watching their videos really help me to chill and feel better about everything else. And yes, I'm a huge fan.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, during one of Dan's video about existential crisis he said that (I'm not quoting so I might be wrong) you need to face the problem and get up. It was like waking up after a dream after hearing him said it. I realized I need to be braver and stronger to face my little problems, because that's what I should do. I should never escape and run as far as I can so that the "monsters" couldn't swallow me up. I need to do what I need to do, that is to find a purpose for my existence. 

I often wondered what I am really doing and why I am doing that particular thing I'm doing. For instance, studying. Why am I studying? Is it because me myself who wanted to gain more knowledge or it's just what the norm do? 

Sometimes I looked back and realized I haven't done anything I like to do in a very very long time. I haven't write any songs for quite a long time. I don't have enough time to live in the world of my journal. I don't have time to continue writing my little novel. I don't have enough time to read the mountain of fictions I've got. I realized tearing myself away from what I love doing the most makes me wonder what happen to me and what is the point of continue to exist if I can't even enjoy my current life? 

Don't worry, I'm not depressed nor thinking about suicide. Really, I swear. I just tend to wonder a lot about questions with no absolute answers. Seriously, I'm not planning to kill myself. In fact I'm revolt by that idea of taking my own life. So if you're reading this and getting worried, chill.

Then I realized it's me who makes me unhappy. I can choose to do what I like the most but instead I push myself to the other side. I think what happened so far in this year make me really sad. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I feel happy with a couple of my friends, or the weekends I get to go home, but I'm unhappy most of the time. I sometimes feel like college is the worst thing that happened to me by far. I strode into college without thinking because that's what people around here will do. It's like a boring cycle of life. You grow up, finish high school, get into a college, get a degree, get a job, get married, have two kids and then die. 

A stereotypical lifestyle. It's boring and dry, but that's how most people live. Now that I have enough intelligent to proceed this information, I don't want to be stereotyped. And I don't want to be labelled as someone I'm not. I don't want my life to be boring as hell and go into the direction where everyone else are heading. I don't. 

But that doesn't mean that I'm going to quit college. No. I'm going to face my own problems and take them up as I go. This existential crisis can't pull me down if I resist it. I can fight it, I realized, and I feel happier and a little bit liberated. Continuing college is a must, since my parents don't spend money raising me for me to give up when I meet a little crisis. I'm going to do whatever I can but just until the limit so I won't go through another crisis of lost identity. I need to cut down my time of escaping from reality (i.e. watching excessive amounts of YouTube videos especially Dan's old videos all over again) and concentrate more time on what is really important, like studying and focusing on my sanity. 

I may be not smart and all that happened to me before were just flukes, but I can totally change that by working harder so I won't fail myself. I mean, if I really fail, I can at least tell myself that I've tried and I did my best. I must shrug off the label people now see me in and just be myself. Funny how other students got bursary they were so proud of themselves whereas I just feel like garbage. 

Well, that's me to you. And you know I'm always a little bit cuckoo on the side. Hmm.

This will definitely be the last post of March and I'm glad that at least I feel better today. 

Just breathe and do my best, I'll be fine.

I hope whoever is reading out there (yes, you) is in a place better than mine.

Till next time people.

xx