Feeling Better

Hello people.

If you read my blog post last night (or rather this early morning) you'll notice that I was a little bit... wild. As in insane. That's true, I was having one of the "moments" of feeling lost and insecure. So after finishing that blog and still not feel any better (I felt like it was the wrong thing to do to blog my problems), I did what I usually do when I was feeling down: I watched tons and tons of YouTube videos, especially danisnotonfire's videos about existential crisis and all that. 

You know that feeling that you wanna cry but you can't? Well, I projected those feelings onto the videos I watched, and told myself everything will be okay the next time I opened up my eyes. So I gave myself permission to escape from reality and just live in the YouTube world. Or rather, Dan and Phil's world. I find watching their videos really help me to chill and feel better about everything else. And yes, I'm a huge fan.

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is, during one of Dan's video about existential crisis he said that (I'm not quoting so I might be wrong) you need to face the problem and get up. It was like waking up after a dream after hearing him said it. I realized I need to be braver and stronger to face my little problems, because that's what I should do. I should never escape and run as far as I can so that the "monsters" couldn't swallow me up. I need to do what I need to do, that is to find a purpose for my existence. 

I often wondered what I am really doing and why I am doing that particular thing I'm doing. For instance, studying. Why am I studying? Is it because me myself who wanted to gain more knowledge or it's just what the norm do? 

Sometimes I looked back and realized I haven't done anything I like to do in a very very long time. I haven't write any songs for quite a long time. I don't have enough time to live in the world of my journal. I don't have time to continue writing my little novel. I don't have enough time to read the mountain of fictions I've got. I realized tearing myself away from what I love doing the most makes me wonder what happen to me and what is the point of continue to exist if I can't even enjoy my current life? 

Don't worry, I'm not depressed nor thinking about suicide. Really, I swear. I just tend to wonder a lot about questions with no absolute answers. Seriously, I'm not planning to kill myself. In fact I'm revolt by that idea of taking my own life. So if you're reading this and getting worried, chill.

Then I realized it's me who makes me unhappy. I can choose to do what I like the most but instead I push myself to the other side. I think what happened so far in this year make me really sad. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I feel happy with a couple of my friends, or the weekends I get to go home, but I'm unhappy most of the time. I sometimes feel like college is the worst thing that happened to me by far. I strode into college without thinking because that's what people around here will do. It's like a boring cycle of life. You grow up, finish high school, get into a college, get a degree, get a job, get married, have two kids and then die. 

A stereotypical lifestyle. It's boring and dry, but that's how most people live. Now that I have enough intelligent to proceed this information, I don't want to be stereotyped. And I don't want to be labelled as someone I'm not. I don't want my life to be boring as hell and go into the direction where everyone else are heading. I don't. 

But that doesn't mean that I'm going to quit college. No. I'm going to face my own problems and take them up as I go. This existential crisis can't pull me down if I resist it. I can fight it, I realized, and I feel happier and a little bit liberated. Continuing college is a must, since my parents don't spend money raising me for me to give up when I meet a little crisis. I'm going to do whatever I can but just until the limit so I won't go through another crisis of lost identity. I need to cut down my time of escaping from reality (i.e. watching excessive amounts of YouTube videos especially Dan's old videos all over again) and concentrate more time on what is really important, like studying and focusing on my sanity. 

I may be not smart and all that happened to me before were just flukes, but I can totally change that by working harder so I won't fail myself. I mean, if I really fail, I can at least tell myself that I've tried and I did my best. I must shrug off the label people now see me in and just be myself. Funny how other students got bursary they were so proud of themselves whereas I just feel like garbage. 

Well, that's me to you. And you know I'm always a little bit cuckoo on the side. Hmm.

This will definitely be the last post of March and I'm glad that at least I feel better today. 

Just breathe and do my best, I'll be fine.

I hope whoever is reading out there (yes, you) is in a place better than mine.

Till next time people.

xx

Not Okay

Hello people.

I believe that this will be the last post of March and as much as I hate to end this month with an unhappy blog post, I have to be true to myself. Today (or rather yesterday, since it's over midnight now) I'm feeling not okay, and I feel lost. 

This is very private and I feel wrong to post this up. I'm not an open person and I feel like I betray myself somehow to expose bits and bits of me. Sometimes I doubt if writing blog is a right thing to do, as it provides an insight for my friends and family members who read my blog about how I feel and what I'm thinking. I don't like the feeling that they will probably judge me behind my back, or ask me straight in the face. I choose to write in here or in my journal because I don't feel like discussing, but rather expressing so I can feel better. 

Before writing this blog post, I was debating with myself whether or not to write this blog post because I feel like this is private, and I hardly put up any private stuffs about me. Maybe once in a long while, but never really something that's too important. Sometimes I rambled in here when I feel sad or happy, and sometimes whined about my personal problems, but those weren't major stuffs I wanna hide. This is, and I feel like I'm betraying myself somehow. My mind's spinning in circle and I can't really breathe. I told myself, screw it, I need a way out and now my journal cannot fulfill it. I want someone to understand, to empathize, to read this and say hey I know how this feels. 

So. Here I am. Earphones plugged and unplugged from the real world, sinking into this content feeling of writing (or rather typing). I used to feel liberated while writing, and what I need tonight is to be liberated. Again, here I am, exposing as much as I'm able, to my limit. And before anything, I feel like this is going to be another of my very-long-and-tedious piece. If you don't feel like reading to a teenage's so-called problems, you're welcome to click that little cross on the top right and be excuse from my misery.

I've been having a lot of mood swings since I got my SPM results. A second before I was extremely happy, and the other second I could feel really down, and feel like why did I exist and what is the point of my existence? I feel like lying face-down on the bed or just crawl under the bed and never come out again. Sometimes I think how lucky I am, and the second next I was terribly anxious what if these really all are based on my constant luckiness and what'd happen to me if my luckiness decides to leave me all of a sudden. Self-doubts roll on my like tsunami and I feel like I'm not able to swim away from it, and all I can do is just try to put my head up once in a while to get some air in order to survive. I feel like all of my successes were flukes and I can never ever truly be someone in my life. I can never ever find my place in this world and I'm destined to fail. 

I don't feel like me anymore. I feel like everything is stumbling and I don't have the air to cry out for help. On the surface, I'm still the somewhat playful-yet-serious me, but on the inside, I feel like a rotten apple. Rotten-to-the-core kind of apple. I feel like I don't deserve anything I have now, and I'm afraid that I'll lose everything I have now just in a blink of eye. I can function normally, but I'm numb to a point to only feel the mood swings. Those mood swings are horrible and I'm scared that they'll take a toll on me. I'm afraid I cannot win the battle, me versus my mood swings. 

In short, I'm drowned with mood swings and worry about my sanity.

I'm truly happy to be a bursary student, that my parents don't have to be worried about my tuition fees and my living expenses. Almost everything's covered, and for this I'm eternally grateful. I'm glad that somehow I can save money for my parents as my family is not wealthy and cannot really afford to spend a lot of money on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled to be able to cut down some of their burdens, it's true. But it's also true that I'm starting to feel pressured. "Bursary" seemed to be a term that will burdened me as it is a term to separate top scorers from the rest. The thing is, I don't feel like I'm a top scorer. I know I'm not a top scorer. Yes, I did okay in my school internal examinations, but that "okay" was not great. Now that I'm a bursary student, people either think that I'm damn smart, have too much luck or the kind of people who only studied behind locked doors. I know I don't usually care what other people think of me, but it's hard to control the direction of my thoughts. I may be a little smart, but not smart enough, and this new status give me everything that I dreamed of (having not to pay my tuition fees and all) and everything that I'm afraid of (people think that I'm terribly smart when I'm not). 

I know you guys will start on me saying things like: "why are you thinking so much when you already got it?" or "enough, don't flaunt that you're a bursary student anymore" or "can you stop whining?" Sorry for that. I admit I do think too much and am a pessimist (if you can't tell, you suck at observing), and I definitely whine a lot in my life, but I'm not flaunting. I really am not. 

I really don't know how to describe this, but I feel like I accidentally barged into a world I don't belong. It's scary and it's really terrifying. I looked at the other top scorers and immediately know that I don't belong. I could see their futures so bright till they blinded my eyes. I know this is only going on in my head, but I can't stop it. I can't stop feeling nervous and worry about the things that may never ever happen, like for instance, not getting into universities that's on the government list and I don't get to get the free scholarship for my degree. I know this is too far away for me to be freaking over it now, but like I said before, I can't help myself. Everyone thinks that I'm a top student now and I feel like those expectations were like chains on me. They'll think that I'm modest when I said I'm not smart; they'll think that I'm fake when I said I'm lazy to study; they'll expect me to do extraordinary things I never thought that I'll be capable of doing. I'm terrified. What if I fail everything and everyone, including me?

I feel like a sane person wrong-footed into an asylum, and nobody would believe me that I'm sane. 

Although that description is weird, it is the best I can think of. A senior once told me that being a bursary student in Malaysia is the best and I believe that. For me, this whole new experience is the best and the worst both at the same time. 

I had a plan before I miraculously got bursary as I never ever expected that I would actually be so lucky to get a place in the bursary program. I was planning to survive my A Levels and study here in Malaysia and get a student loan or something so my parents don't need to pay so much for me. I never even think of going overseas just because I couldn't afford to. There're some people who told me that your parents will definitely find money if you really want to go overseas but why would I do that to my parents? They had sacrificed a lot for me, and I don't need to add up their burdens. They also say that it'll be a good experience for me to go overseas and study, and do part time jobs to earn money so I can afford to pay my tuition fees. Sorry, but I don't see how I can concentrate both my studies and a job at once. Do you know how expensive it is to go overseas? Do you realize how much money I can save if I study in Malaysia? Tons, that's how much.

Now that I got bursary, I was given a chance to get JPA (whom will support me financially throughout my degree if I meet their requirements) if I can get into top 50 universities. No pressure. 

Like hell there's no pressure. I mean, hello, top universities for God's sake. I only got good results for SPM because I got lucky! Not because I'm incredibly smart and all! I'm kinda stressed out by my attitude (that does not like to study at all) and scared that I'm not able to get JPA because my luckiness decided to leave me or something. I don't think I get to be lucky all the time. I really don't. 

My friends kept say to me that I'm great the way I am and be confident about myself. I tried to, but I can't. I cannot stop myself from thinking negatively about myself and think that everything good that ever happened to be were all flukes and when my apparent "luckiness" stopped, I'm all doomed. I'm not talented and not smart, that's all I can think about. I don't even think that I deserve to be anywhere or to be anyone. 

This is what I identify as my existential crisis. 

I often feel left out and unwanted. I look into the mirror and I hate what I see. I want to cry but my eyes are way too dry. I feel invisible and useless. I hope this is all a dream and everything will go back to normal and then I spend the rest of the time figuring out what the word "normal" really defined to me. I smile but I don't feel happy. I eat but I feel guilty as hell. I want to escape from all my responsibilities but know I can't because I don't want to let down my family. I don't even know what I want or who I am anymore. I just continue to encourage myself to go through one day at a time and tell myself to calm down once I got panic thinking about life and futures. 

Sometimes I just wanna crawl back into my mother's lap and inhale her scent but realize I'm in a whole new city she's not in. 

I'm starting to be even more afraid of crowds. I feel like they're all closing in on me and I feel inadequate. I didn't go for my freshies night and yesterday, when I was walking back from the mall, I felt intimidated by the large amount of people walking around me. I instantly pulled out my earphones and walked as fast as I could, letting the music drowned out my audible gasps. 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm now just a wreck of emotions. 

I'm placing expectations on my shoulders, even those expectations that automatically formed in my head without people really telling me. Now my classmates know that I'm a top scorer makes them think that I'm that kind of smart and quiet person (I hardly speak in class because I don't feel like I belong, or rather, I don't think we have that much in common) and my teachers all know that I'm a bursary student and will be surprise when I eventually get bad results for my tests and all. I even feel guilty right now typing in here when I know I can totally use this hour for studying purposes. 

I'm mentally unhealthy and I know that. I just hope that I can survive through this phase and move on and never ever visit back in this "dark period" I'm experiencing now. 

I think I put too my pressure on myself recently, or rather think about my problems way too much, whether it's the real kind of problems or the imaginative kind of problems. I need to change, but how?

Sorry for this long and tedious and boring and depressing blog post. I really hope that I feel better after writing this blog post but I don't feel any difference right now. Maybe a long sleep will do good to me, and help me to escape from reality. I don't think I'll discuss this with my friends because they won't understand.

You need to go through this to understand, to be regard by others as someone who's not you as you. 

This is confusing to you, I know. And once again sorry if you really read through the whole thing. I didn't mean to cause you any pain reading through this. 

Anyway.

Till next time people.

xx

March

Hello people. 

Sorry for being away for so long, but I've been quite busy recently to actually have time to sit down and write a blog post. I can choose not to write now and ignore that voice inside of me and that thirst of wanting to write something (apart from psychology essay), but I feel like March 2015 is so eventful and memorable I cannot not write this down.

First of all, it's my dad's mini birthday celebration. His birthday is actually on March 8 but we were thinking that I was not able to be there on his birthday, we might as well celebrated earlier. It's kinda big because it's his 50th birthday so we insisted to buy cakes to celebrate (even though he got kinda grumpy while we were buying those cakes because we're late to fetch my brother back from tuition). But I did got back on March 8 because of various reasons, haha. Nonetheless, we did celebrated earlier. 

And yes, you can see that my mom's not in the photos because she'd kill me if I upload photos of her online when she felt like she looked "hideous". Ahem. She's never hideous, though, just that self-esteem of hers. Guess who I inherited my self-esteem from, hmm.

After the celebration, came one of the biggest moments of my life.

You know last year almost all of my blog posts were about SPM? That final examinations I had to take before leaving my secondary school life behind? Yeah, the results came out on March 3, and I wasn't mentally prepared for it to arrive so soon. I was literally thinking that maybe all of those are a dream and I'm going to wake up and redo my secondary school years all over again.

Anyway, let's not waste anymore time talking about my horrible nightmares before receiving my results, like, how I dreamed that I only got 33 marks for my Additional Mathematics. Hmm. Let's just skip tons of unwanted countdowns all over social medias and me feeling absolutely no fear until the day had come. 

Just before I write anything else, let me clarify something first. I skipped classes on March 3 to go back to my hometown and collect my results when actually, I can totally check my results online or through SMS. I can but I didn't because I felt like I didn't want to know such important results just through a single text. It'll ruin the whole "official" feeling, if you get what I mean. I just wanted it to get as real and as official as it gets. Come on, it's the last event I'd ever be attending in my secondary school, and it's a piece of paper saying how well or how much I screw my examination. It's a final ending to my secondary school life; the "THE END" at the end of a manuscript. 

I was determined not to get my results through text or online when I marched into the school ground with Syl with me, feeling not scared at all at that point. Mind you, I was not being brave when I said I wasn't really anxious or terrified; I said it because I really wasn't feeling all of that. It was like my nerves just stop transmitting impulses of anxiousness to my brain so I couldn't feel it at that time, which was definitely a good thing, since I felt like I was looking at this whole thing as an outsider, a third-party perspective. It's good not to lose my nerves and I was able to joke along with my friends who I hadn't seen for so long about how my result was going to suck and how I planned to survive through it. 

That's when I witnessed the first meltdown.

One of my classmates received her results through text message and she instantly broke down crying. All conversations around stopped and my mind just went blank. Syl and I exchanged a look while we just helplessly watched her being comforted by her other friends. Yeah, we suck at consoling people. She didn't get straight As and stop before you're going to wonder aloud why on earth she cried getting a B. In our class (which is the first class), getting a B is like the end of the world. We cried having a B on our list when the others cried in joy just for passing. Don't doubt it, it's real because the real crying marathon was just on its way...

Anyway, let's get back to the point. She stopped crying but her eyes were still red and sad. I was affected by her emotions a little, but then I quickly shrugged it off before it rooted into me. I continued to laugh and joke about the exams, and how I think I did so many mistakes in the exams I'd be eternally grateful if I got straight As, regardless if it's an A or A-. A+ for me is a huge bonus but I wasn't expecting much of it because... well, just phrased it like this: you guys know how much of a procrastinator I'm. I was feeling okay by that time when the second meltdown occurred. (THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDN'T CHECK THROUGH TEXT MESSAGES. IT FREAKS YOU AND OTHER PEOPLE OUT SO MUCH) This time the person crying is one of the top students in our class. 

I couldn't believe it. She actually got a B+ and didn't get as many A+s as she'd expected. My friends and I were totally freaking out by then. If something like that happened to a top student who always scored high in examinations, what on earth will happen to the rest of us who weren't as hardworking as her? That's the time my heartbeat starting to race up and my palms started to sweat. I couldn't believe it, honestly. I was thinking "oh damn, I'm so not going to score straight As. Oh my God, what if I got a C instead of a B? I'd kill myself." and something along those lines. By that time, Syl asked me to check her results for her through text message since she's too chickened out to check it herself and of course I said okay. I still insisted on my first choice: no checking my results before receiving my results slip.

After a couple of cryings and shrieking with joy (for those who got straight As), the results-giving ceremony finally began. We were rushed into the hall and sat according to our classes one last time, and like the old times, they made us sit on the floor. Well, at least I was not wearing some short skirt but my pair of comfy jeans. The ceremony was typical and boring at first, with all those talks and statistics about how our school did and stuffs. Yadda yadda yadda. In between those stupid talks, I received a phone call from sotong (she was really late) and realized that she didn't get straight As. Instead, she got a B+. I was so shocked till my jaw dropped and I couldn't seem to be able to close them up. Sotong, of all of the people!!!!!!! She's the TOP FIVE in our class!!!! When she got a B+, what hope did I have?

I started to panic a little and kept telling myself to breathe as the ever-so-long ceremony continued to drag on. Sotong joined Syl and I after a while and we all sat there, waiting for Syl's results to pop into my phone screen anytime soon. It popped in mid-tedious-speech someone was giving (I wasn't paying any attention because the surrounding was such a chaos) and I was the first one to know her results (tee-hee) and she got straight As!! I was so happy for her!!!! Before knowing her results, we'd been told that only 26 of us got straight As and only 1 got straight A+s so we were quite worried that we won't be making it into such limited spots. 

Then finally (ugh), they started to call out names for straight As students to receive their result slips on stage. That's when I got nervous and starting to hyperventilate a little at first. Name were called after name and we screamed so loudly when Syl got on stage to receive her slip. I was starting to panic more and more, since the names called were increasing and that means that the chances of me getting straight As was getting smaller and smaller with each name called. I started to shake a little and sotong kept consoling me by saying I'd be call up on stage soon. All I could do was questioning myself over and over again. What did I do wrong in the examinations? Will I get straight As? What if I didn't get straight As? I don't wanna cry in front of so many people.

I was totally shaking when the teacher announced that they were giving out result slips for those who took 11 subjects since I took 11 subjects for my SPM. Again, names after names and yet mine wasn't being called. "Only five more names to call" "Four more" and then "Okay, there's only three spots left". I couldn't control my trembling by then and tears started to pool in my eyes. I was devastated and angry at the same time; devastated because I knew I was going to get a B or worse, a C in my result, most probably my Chinese and my Physics; angry because I didn't want to appear weak, to cry when I got bad results. But it's proven that no matter how hard you tell yourself not to do something, the more likely you'll do it. So although I bit my lip hard and told myself to hold it together, I didn't. I was on the edge to a huge emotional meltdown when I hear:

"three spots left.... LIM RUI CHYI (okay that's my name, now you know)..." 

I blanked out at that exact moment my name was called and truly, I was trembling even harder.

"...9A+s 2As.."

Tears immediately sprung out of my eyes and I slapped my trembling hand over my mouth and started to sob. Those chest-heaving, half-hiccuping and whole-form-shaking kind of sob. I was not being dramatic when I slapped my hand over my mouth, that's completely a reflex action. I didn't even know that I was capable of doing such dramatic action in real life. I struttered on stage and was still trembling so hard till the principal and the teacher had to hold me so I wouldn't fall and embarrassed myself even more. According to some friends and juniors after March 3, they said that I was really hilarious throughout the whole process of me receiving my result slip. Sotong even said that when I ran over to hug Syl, it felt like two people reuniting after an earthquake or something.

Well, gee, thanks. At least I provided you guys some drama to watch. Remember to pack your popcorn next year for more drama. 

After that was a lot of boring stuffs like taking pictures then collecting my other certificates from my former class teacher and accepting congratulations from a lot of people. I lied to my dad about my results when I called him. Well, lied wouldn't be the exact word to use, more like hiding certain important information from him. 

He was in his office when I called him and said "Daddy, I cried so hard..." with a kinda sad tone and he immediately said "it's okay it's okay" and repeated it a thousand times and kept consoling me that getting bad result wasn't the end of the world and blah. Then I saved him from his misery of consoling me by saying "I got 9A+s and 2As" and there's a pause before he yelled, right there in his office, "9A+?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" 

One thing to be sure of, my dad didn't really care if I got bad results; he just wanted me to do my best and be happy. I'm so glad my parents aren't like the other typical "Asians" parents that would be very upset and angry if their children screwed their tests up even though they did their best, or keep comparing their kids with other kids. 

That aside, my maternal grandmother got my number from my cousin and also rang me up and asked how many As did I get and I said 11. Then she asked me how many A+ did i get and I said 9 and she also freaked out and went "9A+?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" 

Yup.

I wanted to call my mom but well, she couldn't use her phone during work so she knew it from my dad after she finished her work and once we got home we started to chat straight away about the whole thing before I left Muar back to KL.

I was totally not expecting that great result: it's God's grace. I know I'm not good enough to get that kind of result and to be completely honest, I felt kind of guilty to get good result when the other hardworkers got not as good results as I do. But sotong told me off by saying everyone had different method of studying and why the hell I need to feel bad when I got good results. Well...she got a point there. 

Anyway, great results = all my tuition fees were covered and I was given free accommodation and monthly allowance. I'm so glad that my parents at least don't have to worry about me on my tuition fees and living expenses anymore since we're hardly loaded. We can totally save up the money that was meant to spend on my studies on my brother in the future!!

It's too good to be true and I still can't believe it!! 

   

And now, let's talk about something that's not as pleasant that happened to me yesterday morning while I was on my way to school. See what happened.

That's right. I fell down and scraped my knee quite badly. Now it's a beautiful shade of dark red with purplish blue around it. Nice. That's what I get being a extremely clumsy person. It's normal for me to almost fall down every single day. It's basically a routine/norm in my life. But it's been a long time since I fell down this hard, or in front of this many people! It's really embarrassing and I quickly got up after I fell and went straight into my class without looking around. I was planning to get some help but the sick bay wasn't open yet so I just went straight to class, limping all the way. 

I had to keep wiping out the blood oozing out and it's so obvious till my psychology teacher actually asked aloud "are you okay?" while he was teaching, and talking mid-sentence about something. Trust me, I'm not an attention-seeker. ESPECIALLY NOT THIS KIND OF ATTENTION. Ugh. Then my limping got worse so I went to sick bay straight after my bio class and yay, now I have to patiently wait for it to form a scab and eventually another scar as a trophy. It's going to be worse when I wake up next morning when I didn't get to move my knees and the blood just stuck there and limiting my movement. It's going to be hell. 

 And yep, I did what most teenage girls would do: take a selfie with my wound. Nice move Maggie, nice move.

But tonight I got to treat myself to have a nice dinner at BBQ Plaza since they were having a promotion for SPM students that if you got 8As and above, you get to eat for free and refill for free. Though I needed to half-limp to get there, it's totally worth it.

My mom said that the shop was experiencing a major loss and I guess she's more than correct. Sotong and I ate like cows and kept refilling the meat (oh wait... cows don't eat meat... but you get what I mean) again and again and again and again and again. So I guess this kinda make yesterday half a good day and half a bad day.

Oops. It's 2:10 am now. I gotta hit the sack now or else I won't get enough sleep.

(PS: I'm going to watch Cinderella tomorrow... and don't expect for a review because hello, I'm not the best person to give review since I cried throughout the whole movie of Big Hero 6 and I even cried watching Penguins from Madagascar. Um hello, touchy.)

I'm going to go now. And just realized this post is really long. So if you skip the whole thing and just read this end sentence, well, I can't blame you, can I? 

(YES I CAN)

Till next time peeps!

xx