Frustrated

As you can see, my mood of the day right now is: FRUSTRATED.

Today I went to school (I ditched school yesterday, to stay at home to accompany my brother... or to get some more sleep) and I got to talk to Sylvia, a lot. 'Cause our add maths teacher was absent today, and we're too lazy to actually bother to study, so we started talking and talking and talking. Yep, there's a lot of talking. 

It was all that talking that made me realize that I haven't got over my mood thing, to be real. It's still here inside of me, rolling and waiting for a time for its reappearance, which I'm not so jubilant about. I started to talk about my problems and my frustrations and she added in hers. I can say I'm really glad that we talked (for a solid three period), because I've been stuffing a lot of emotions in here, and it's really awful. I mean, yes, I get to write down in here and in my journal and songs, but it isn't the same, talking to a human being. It gives me the release I want. 

I felt so bad. And so disgusted with myself. Like I said before, I've changed a lot this year, and me and a close friend got further apart and I felt terribly awful about it. It was because I was sort of bullied before when I was younger, and I know exactly how it feels like being abandoned. And of course I wouldn't want to hurt any other person the same way. It's torturing me on the inside, and I felt so empty and my head felt like it's literally bursting. I couldn't bring myself to fake like I'm all okay. I just couldn't. 

I talked about it to Sylvia, and I'm relieved that she understands my frustrations and took my rambling in calmly. I knew Syl since seven, when we got in the same class during Year 1 in primary school. We know each others for like, eleven years by now. And sure, we have our ups and downs, and a few fights and constant competitions and all that. But beside my family, she's the one who knows me the most. I can trust her not to betray my secrets, and I know she's always on my side. It feels really glad to know that at least one person can understand your frustrations and all. 

I can't believe this, but I'm actually fighting with tears right now. I'm just so damn emotional right now. (Sorry Syl, I'll try to be positive)

Recently, I can't really tell my mom how I feel. I'm afraid that I'll freak her out or something. Instead, I settle down for Wesley, who actually has the patience to listen to me and shut up for once (trust me, that's a miracle), and comforted me and all. Although he really annoys the hell out of me for most of the time, I'm really glad that he's my brother. (Aww... schmuck)

But it isn't the same as talking to my mother. She's always my rock and my most attentive listener. I'd always told her everything and anything about me, my school life, my feelings and all that whatnot. But she just doesn't get it why I'm feeling all so frustrated. In her opinion, I'm over thinking things. Sotong said the same thing before, but I think she got it now. At least a little. 

Yes, I'm dramatic and have a really, really wild imagination. And sometimes I really over think things and drive myself crazy. But this isn't the same. I know it when something in my life really goes wrong. But today I just couldn't stand it anymore. Not talking to my mom about personal stuffs really drive me crazy more than anything else in the entire world. I talked to her, and I drone on about my worries for my future and my relationship with that particular person. She listened, but I can really sense that she's not in agreement with me. I can't blame her I guess, but it makes me terribly upset, like I'm now. 

I don't know what to think of. I have way too many troubles on my shoulders right now, and it's going to snap. Real soon. I just hope that at least someone can understand my frustrations and devastation. But I guess it's really hard for someone to truly understand me. I mean, come on, I'm not an open book, for Pete's sake. 

Ugh. This is so confusing and irritating at the same time. I somehow wish I can throw myself off the bridge and feed myself to the sharks. That's a great idea, but it hurts a lot. I don't think I can tolerate those moments where I start to suffocate and wait for the sharks to eat me up. Ew. No, I must be crazy.

Anyway, to that particular person: If you read my blog (which is like, 0.00000000001%), I'm sorry. I really am, but that doesn't changes anything. I'm truly sorry. 

And you can see I torture myself enough to be a punishment. 

Double Shocker

Hi!! Obviously the moody Maggie had gone away, and crazy Maggie is back!! Yeah!! But it's kinda weird, since I've been through nothing but shocks these past two days, I should be pulling my hair out of their roots and yelling like a mad old woman or something. But I'm actually a little happy and excited, for God's know what reasons. I guess my mood swings are still intact, just that now I'm on the happy side (no, I do not take pills).

Yesterday I went to Sylvia's house and got some study done with Sylvia and Sotong. Sotong followed me home before we went to Syl's house, since her father is a little strict. I got to drive there myself, but I was not that happy about it. Ever since I got my driving license and drove myself for the first time, my dad's reluctant to drive me anywhere. I guess I need to work on my parking techniques though, since I can't park quite well. Anyway, we got almost two chapters down pat the day before, but I guess I pretty much forget everything by now. Tee-hee.

When dad fetched me and Sotong from school yesterday, I got my first, a little hilarious shock. I was just at the back seat, not quite chilling (I mean, how to chill when you're stuffed in your school uniform?) when dad popped out the news: Wesley accidentally pulled his tendon 'round his ankle during his PE class, where he unintentionally tripped over his friend's foot and threw himself forward. I didn't mean to be mean, but when dad told me that Wes can't do any exercises for SIX WEEKS, I started laughing. It'll be hell for my brother since he can't play basketball for six weeks, and basketball's like his wife or something.

Poor thing. But I'm secretly a little glad about it, since for the first time ever, he can't jump around and annoys the hell out of me. Of course I'm sad, too, but I'm a little hysterical. I just can't stop laughing in a really, really weird way. But still, poor Wesley. I gave him a hug and all, but he's still quite upset.

Obviously he can't do his usual chores regarding his poor foot. So I have no choice but to take over his chores and suck it up. He can't even walk properly, so I have to fetch water for him, set the dining table and all that stuffs. He just have to pull out an innocent face and made me feel exceptionally guilty so I'll do anything he asks me to. God, this is so unfair. I guess this is karma, since I'd always ordered him around doing things for me (he has to do my bed for five years) and now it's my turn to become the servant, and he's the lord. Brrrr. One good thing out of it: I don't have to wash his school shoes. But I have to wash mine myself. Pah.

Another shock was real bad news. Sotong called me when I reached home after fetching her back, and told me that we can't use our trial results to apply for January intake anymore!! Or any other results apart from the real SPM results. It's so freaking unfair. Now we can't go to January intake anymore, and I'm going to waste three months of my life doing jobs with really low pays. I'm a little devastated, but I guess it's not my fault that my plan got interrupted.

I just hope everything will turn out fine. I think. Since I wouldn't know what to do with those three months apart from studying--which is my original plan. So I guess I have to suck it up, too, and try to figure something out.

This is so unfair.

New Freedom

I sincerely hope that normal Maggie (or crazy, if you prefer) is back instead of the gloomy Maggie you saw in the previous post. Let's just see how it goes.

I ditched school this morning. Yep. Remember what I said about my mood swings and all? I guess it's more to anger issues. I used to keep all the anger inside of me, and major oops, it backfires real hard. Well, not that I go barreling around with my face red and yelling like an old hag or something, but if you're like, super-close to me, then you'll know that I acted really funny recently. I tend to get pissed off quite easily and direct part of my anger to my family, especially my brother. Yeah, poor thing.

It can be noise, or little actions from the others that makes me really mad. It's like I'm angry at the whole world or something. Sometimes I really think that I'm nuts. I mean, come on, is that really possible that I can hold that much of anger in my body? Really?

Yesterday I was annoyed by whatever I was annoyed back then, since I can't really remember what set me off (see what I mean?). I guess I was craving for some kind of attention or something, so I went straight to my mom and told her that I was not planning to go to school today. I was waiting for shock and lecture and whatever moms do from her. But she just looked at me real pleasantly and asked why, which I answered: I just don't want to go, too lazy.

By then I was expecting some kind of nagging and stuffs but she didn't. She didn't even look mad or slightly annoyed. I forgot what she did but she walked away without feeling angry or disappointed at all! I was so shocked that my anger just evaporated. Seriously, my mom is the last person you'd expect to let her daughter out of school for absolutely no reason. My mom was really tough with me when I was younger. I wasn't allowed to hang out with my friends unless it's a holiday, I couldn't use the computer for more than two hours a week, I couldn't take more than two ringgit for my daily allowances, I must asked for permission in everything I do and I couldn't read books unless I finished my homework.

I had a little talk with my dad today when he fetched me home from my piano lesson. Daddy told me that mom's easing up on me because I'm almost an adult now. I used to hear my dad bragged about me to the others (which is weird since I don't think I have anything to brag for, and that of course, I'm embarrassed) and told them that he trusted me. Well, that's huge. When your parents trust you in making your own decisions and all, it means that you're an adult. Mature and whatever words you wanna use. So I guess my mom's treating me like an adult now, when I'm sure as hell not behaving like one. But hey, it's only healthy to ditch school once in a while.

Not that I hate my newly-gained freedom, it's just that in this way, I can't really feel their concerns. It's hard to put this feeling into words, but what I can conclude is, I rather they have their control on me. I want my old stupid rules back, and I want my mom to nag me about my studies and personalities and everything, like she does to my brother now. I guess maybe this is the only way I can feel their love for me.

I know they love me, I truly do. It's just that I grew up in a typical Chinese family, where nobody says "I love you" out loud. We only show people the love we have for them by doing things and caring and even, scolding. That's how I know love. And now they completely let me be in charge of my life, I can't feel that anymore. I know it's there, but it's too abstract that I'm a little hollow on the inside. My parents hardly scold me anymore, and everything I do now is by my own decision, my choice. They don't butt in my studies, my piano, my dreams, what university I'm going, what I'm going to study or anything. I know they want me to live my own life, but it's really nice if they're more interested in what I'm going to do.

I don't know what I'm going to say, but here's me with my new freedom that'll last forever. Sometimes it's damn great to have freedom, so I can buy books and shirts without consulting them. Jeez. But when I tried to get my mom's opinion on me maybe doing YouTube next year or study psychology in the future, she didn't say anything. That's not freedom for me to rule my own life, that's just plain frustrating.

Anyway, I hope that I will get use to this new freedom and that not let loose of myself like a wild animal next year. If not, I'm afraid I'll turn into one of those stupid chicks with zero brain and party all day long.

Gawd.

Senior Year

It was only today when I saw the graduation photo for sale that hit me real hard in the face: My senior year is about to end.

I don't know if it's only me that got wrapped up in my own bubble the entire year, pretending that I'm not leaving this town next year. I'm good at lying, and I'm definitely good at lying to myself. Or else, convincing myself that I still have time when the truth is I'm running out of it. I guess it's that fear that makes me cowering, hiding inside of my closet. Well, just metaphorically, since I can hardly fit in my closet. And I don't have a closet to start with. I have book racks. And I don't call my cupboard "closet". That's way too weird.

Apart from escaping the reality, I'm torn between decisions. I used to think that making decisions was very easy (back to those days the decisions were only choosing which flavor of ice-cream I love the most. Well, I'm not really that into ice-cream) but the truth had me in a dilemma. Everyone, and I mean, EVERYONE was asking me where I'm going to further my studies and throwing me suggestions since Day 1. It's terrifying, to be completely honest, though I never show my uncertainties to the world.

I had been through a lot this year. Struggling to do the right thing, trying very hard to do the right decision. Every minute step seems to alter my future drastically. It's like crawling through a war zone with thousands of land mines hovering underneath. Even one little step wrong can lead to a huge explosion. That's what it's like for me.

They told me, study every day, get excellent results for your SPM, forget about dreams and concentrate on reality. But then the books and movies told me, keep on striving, work hard for your dreams, YOLO (well, that), dreams do come true, you can only be reckless once. I'm confused. I really am. It's like all the voices are blabbering in my head, all at once. I don't know what to listen. To be practical, or to be reckless? To be like what everyone else expects me to be, or to be whatever and whoever I want to be? Those are easy questions with tough answers.

I had been through a hard time before. This is something I never, ever wrote in my blog: My dad was unemployed for almost two years. Yes. That was what I was hiding from you all. I didn't have the courage to tell anybody, afraid that they'll not believe me since I'm so "rich-looking" (damn impression). It was a really hard time, and that had forced me to take on reality, in a really tough way. Nobody can understand this... pain and helplessness unless they'd been through the same thing. I suppressed everything back then, and I feel like an almost-erupting volcano right now.

People keep asking me if I'm stressed, but I know they only meant it in my studies area. I'm seventeen, and people only concern about seventeen-year-old-adult-to-be's studies. Well, I get it. But it's not like we don't have any other things to concentrate about apart from studies. What about my dreams? What about my opinions? What about my future? I have a say in it, too. I know I'm really lucky that both of my parents respect my decision, and let me choose my own ambitions and dreams. They don't really force anything on me, as they know that I'm responsible for me.

I'm not stressed about studies. Trust me, I'm not. I hardly think of my studies because in my theory, I think that if I force myself to study, I won't get good results. I don't really see the necessity of force study. It only make people loathe studying even more. I study according to my mood. And I get okay results but at least I'm not stressed out. No, but I am too stressed, just not in the studies area. What I'm really stressed about is my personal life.

I know that people change. I've changed. I've changed a lot in this year. Though I'm still that headstrong, stubborn girl I was before, I've changed on the inside. How I think, my opinion and my feelings to certain things and issues, to certain people. It's not fair, but I'm not sorry. This is how growing up should be. Changing and changing and changing. I've been thinking a lot, reading back my old journals and songs (since one is all about my life and another about reflecting my life), trying to picture the old me. But I can't.

It's been a roller-coaster ride. I have a lot of bad mood swings and I'm not happy about it. On the flipped side, those stupid mood swings did produce a variety of songs, but still. Those mood swings are uncontrollable and I'm scared of them. People used to say that I'm mature (in a way) and I thought so too. I thought that my rebellious days are way behind my back, but it's coming back for me now. I have two theories about my "rebellion", or my horrible mood swings. First, I'm actually extremely immature and only reach my emotion's "puberty". The other is that I forced myself to be strong before, not letting the wild me out, and thus skipping the emotion's puberty part before, and now it's making its appearance when I'm about to break down. Well, those are my theories. But who knows there's a third, actually?

It's embarrassing to admit, but I started to question about religion and all that stuff. Not that I'm not a Christian anymore, is that I'm trying to fit all of these... wildness into my new perspective. It's hard, and a really tough phase. But I can't help it. I guess I have to eventually got over it.

And the other thing is I start to distant myself from a couple of people who were close to me before. Not that I'm being a bitch or anything, I just feel like we're not on the same page anymore. I can hardly talk to them and yes, I did try to put my feelings aside and tried to patch things back up. I tried to be the old me, but it seems like she made a clean exit out of my life. I gave up trying, and I got really annoyed sometimes. I feel like screaming: you really don't understand me! and thinking about maybe give up entirely. But I don't want to make things awkward, not when there's only a few months left. I guess I just have to suck it up and bear it for the couple of months ahead. It's just that it made me really, really uncomfortable. And tired. I'm really exhausted. It seems like some people are way too dense, or just wouldn't accept the fact that people changed and go apart. It's a normal part of life, right?

Wow. I guess this post is kinda long. And really sad. But don't worry, the happy Maggie will get back to you all the next time. I just have to have some kind of release from my real life... and here it is. I just hope that everything can turn out fine, and that I can go through this mood thing quickly.

And for the record, I don't mind people drift further apart and go on their own separate ways. At least it's civil when they meet up again, and not plain awkwardness. It's better than faking feelings to pretend that you're still on the same page when you're actually in Mars when they're still on Earth.

See you guys the next time. Ciao.