Tarnish

Photo by Aneta Ivanova

In darkness she drowned,

never to be found.

How did it started?

All she could remember

was how her life ended.

It started with curiosity,

she adventured away from her own city.

Climbed over the extreme height of walls,

that separated her and the unknown war.

"Welcome to the new world,

where floors are furnished with diamonds and pearls.

Welcome to your new home,

in here, you shall reborn."

The signboard seemed promising,

and so she went without further thinking.

She was naive, thought that she'd be free,

and the air would be easier to breathe.

Yet

she should think twice

of the price she would pay

of letting herself astray.

Like Alice in Wonderland,

her inquisitive nature ran wild.

Just with a glance,

she was mesmerized with oohs and wows.

Still, she's still too naive,

thought the colors and wonders were salvation,

instead of the real purpose of

disguising the ugly ruination.

People with smiles,

but smiles were weapons

as they're snakes with venom.

She gave out her heart,

hoping to be garnished.

Alas, her genuine soul was grayed

like silver that was tarnished.

Hurt and cheated,

alone and defeated.

Sobbed under furniture,

letting despair swallowed her.

With no one to hold,

she realized she missed home.

But she's deeply rooted,

with filthy thoughts twisting like vines around her trunk.

Their minds grew into hers,

mingled and merged,

they all became one.

It's too late to leave.

Her mind,

from selfless to selfish;

her soul,

from kindness to sadistic.

Memories of her old self,

were far too deep for her to delve.

The girl with a big heart,

had finally lost herself.

How did it started?

The darkness that left her haunted.

All she could remember,

was how her life ended.

Postscript: 

It was basically about how a girl left home in search for her own future in a brand new place, where she experienced horrible people and events disguised with glitter and gold. Her initial passion, hopes and integrity were stained by the raw and despicable side of society and humanity. After her kindness failed, she adapted to the abhorrent way of behaviours and mindset so she could survived in this new reality. However, as she succeeded by adhering to the new rules, she failed at the same time by losing her own self.

I think we can all relate to part of this somehow. After leaving the home, the heaven where our parents protect us from the real ugly truth of the real world/society, we realized how different it was from what we were taught. Even if we despised it, most of us still adhere to it to remain afloat. We all eventually became who we didn't want to be.

And okay, I know this sounds depressing but for a lot of people, this is the cold, hard truth. But yes, there are still hopes and dreams and sunshine and rainbow out there. Just look at the positive side, or stand firm on your morality and hold onto your dignity; we'd all be fine. Please don't be dispirited after this poem; it's just a poem. It's just an expression, which I made out of boredom, okay.

Just breathe, and live.

Empty

Photo by Aneta Ivanova

She felt empty.

Empty like the space which she supposed to call home.

She stared at people, 

who barely spared her any sideway glances. 

Those people who disregard their core purposes in her life.

She didn’t need them. Or did she?

Blood was indeed thicker than water; 

thick enough for her to suffocate in it.

She felt empty.

Desperate for something to fill her up, 

she crawled in misery, 

begging for attention and pity.

“Please, mom,” she begged. “Hug me and listen to me.”

“Please, dad,” she pleaded. “Come home and talk to me.”

But her words, fragile as her spirit, were never heard.

She felt empty.

Nobody listened, nobody cared.

So why would she care?

Unimportant, useless and unfit, 

she was born to be forgotten.

Her existence ceased to others, 

and slowly, it ceased to herself.

What’s the point of holding on, 

when there’s nothing for her fingers to even grasp onto?

She felt empty.

In this dark, filthy room, under this unfamiliar body, 

smelled like a mixture of sweat and cigarettes.

Concentrating on the pain that tore her body apart, 

it reminded her that she was still very much alive, 

instead of the corpse that she thought she was.

Woke up with a heavy head, 

she reached her hand to the side, 

only to feel the remaining body warmth from the stranger last night.

He left, 

and left her with the patch of harsh red

 standing out from the messy, yellowing bed sheet.

She was full for a brief night, 

but was empty the morning next.

Falling back into the piles of pillows, 

she covered her eyes, 

but didn’t manage to stop the tears from sliding down her cheeks.

She felt empty.

Every single night, she went off with a new stranger.

The one with the horrible tattoo, 

the one with a crooked smile 

and the one she had no recollection of 

because she was so intoxicated from countless bottles of alcohol.

They filled her up, but only temporary. 

So she had to find more of them.

Every single night, for a brief moment, 

she was not empty.

She felt empty.

Strangers could not satisfy her empty heart.

She craved for more.

She wanted a warm embrace,

 a kiss on her forehead 

and someone she could run to whenever she’s alone and lonely.

She wanted a safe harbor for her to quit her sails.

Was she too greedy for having such a small wish?

She felt empty.

After months of sober and solemn, 

she felt empty.

Trapped, hurt and disgusted, 

she decided it was time to let go.

Sold out everything she owned, 

she left the huge mansion 

with picture-perfect family portraits behind her.

With only money and her shattered soul,

 she left the place that broke her for an unknown destination.

With a candle-like desire, 

hoping that she could mend herself, 

and put her back whole.

She would find a new place, 

where she would finally call home.

She felt empty.

In a new town, 

with smiling faces 

and cheerful greetings from guileless folks, 

she remained silent and gloom.

The monsters inside of her was taking over, 

but with fingers pressing hard against her scalp, 

she fiercely told herself 

she was strong enough to overcome this horrendous storm.

But the fear,

 oh the fear rooted deep inside her;

 was she able to conquer it?

She felt empty.

The battle was slowly breaking her down,

 left her bleeding, 

with raw wounds that could never be heal in time.

Sweating in fear, 

gasping for air; 

oh no, was she going to surrender?

She clenched her teeth, 

with courage slowly blossoming from her inner core;

 she finally managed to get a hold onto her resilience.

After of what seemed like an eternity of inner combats, 

at last she managed to get back the dominancy in controlling herself, 

with battle scars as evidences that she survived.

She cried with her whole heart and soul, 

bursting with pride and joy.

The past that haunted her was nicely buried.

The monster inside of her was finally dead.

She was not empty.

She was sated 

as she tasted happiness for the first time

 in a very long time.

With occasional hellos and goodbyes 

from kind souls around her, 

she finally found a place that embraced her.

It was a sunny day when she picked her grocery bag

 and headed to the crowded marketplace.

Her dark hair flowed seamlessly down her waist, 

with wild flowers adorning her glowing frame. 

Her cheeks pink 

and her dewy eyes sparkled like the brightest stars above.

Whilst she was handing the note to her usual ice-cream vendor,

 a gust of wind blew her money onto the pavement.

Without a second thought, 

she slightly pulled up her ankle-length dress and bent down,

 but only to touch the back of another hand.

The warmth from another’s skin caught her by surprise.

 She looked up, 

only to fall deep into a pair of deep, ocean blue eyes.

How odd, she thought, that a color so cold could make her felt so warm.

He gave her a fond smile, 

and she returned a sheepish grin 

which deepened her sweet dimples.

“Isaiah,” he handed back the note to her. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

That was the moment where she felt like she was home.

She was not empty.

She was full, and filled with love.

 Love from him, love from people around her, 

and most importantly, love from herself.

She had a family, she had a home.

She had everything she craved and longed for.

She was no longer empty.