Homesick

Hello people. 

It's been so long since I really take time to sit down and write in here. The truth is, I'm not sure if I was busy the whole time or otherwise, since I can't keep track of time since this year. March felt like January and now August feels like it's just May. It's like blowing bubbles. You create one beautiful perfect bubble, and by the time you want to admire your work, it already dissolves into thin air. That's how I feel about time right now. A very bad example, I know. 

It's obvious what I'm going to write today, which is my never-ending homesickness. 

The thing is, I started college since January, and it's a really long time by now. Most of my peers have already got over their homesickness, and some even don't have that longing of home since the very first day. I have to be that exception. I'm the one who's homesick start from the very first day of college till now. Me having major homesick episodes is the worst, as what I can do is hug whatever clothes that have the smell of my home detergent and cry my eyeballs out. It's like depression, or maybe it's a part of my depression, the part that I can't get over with.

Some of the people I know can survive without going home for months and still be fine. Me on the other hand, will technically die if I can't go home in mere two weeks. That's how bad it can gets. I make sure I can go back home every single weekends, and if I don't get to go back home due to extra classes or some sort of activities, my mood in that particular two weeks will be bad as hell. I'll start to panic and tremble, and kinda numb myself with useless videos (me and my video addition, sigh). Whereas if I get to go home during weekends, I'll spend my week quite happily (except from Monday, because of the homesickness hangover from Sunday, where I leave my comfortable home for stupid college) and when Fridays come, I can almost feel my heart exploding with joy. 

I know. Homesickness is normal, but extreme homesickness may not be. I mean, I'm here for almost a year (a couple more months later) and I still can't get over with my severe homesickness. All I can think of is when I can get home and what to pack during Thursday night. Also, after the weekends when I have to come back here, all I can think is that I don't wanna leave, in forever. I feel so weak, but at the same time so close to my family, till I can't stand to be physically apart from them. 

Some of my friends question my ability to be able to pursue a degree in other countries (provided if I get the scholarship whatsoever) and my answer is I'll definitely die of homesickness out there. The truth is, although I'm applying for overseas universities, there's still a huge possibility that I'm going to stay in the country to pursue my degree. I mean, there's not going to be a huge difference anyway, right? Just that I don't get to travel across the globe to study. No huge loss. But of course my family wish that I get the scholarship and get the opportunity to go overseas to study and gain some valuable experiences. Well, only the idea of it already terrifies me, a lot. 

I've been going to counselling for my depression and all that for months, and what I got from the counselors and friends is that to find something to occupy myself during the weekends to distract myself from my homesickness. As if that's that easy. I tried to stay here for two weeks straight, and instantly regretted the idea by Friday and I had never missed a single weekend to go back home... till now. Thanks maths extra class, thanks so much. You have no idea how terrified and how sad I am, do you? Dayum.

According to all the articles and novels I read (also according to some of my peers), being in college is tons of fun and new challenges and... basically just better than high school. I'm not going to say that high school is the best part of my life or anything (if that's the case, my life must be so pathetic), but at least I can stay with my family almost all the time (minus off the time in school and activities.. and gawd, piano. I totally forget how piano used to drive me nuts). I'm the odd one I guess, cause I don't think I enjoy college more than I enjoy my life back in Muar. I'm more to... enduring my time over here, and hope that I can finish my studies ASAP and take a break from here and get my ass back home forever. Well, not forever, since I still have my degree to go. Also, if I wanna be a lecturer, I can't stay back in Muar cause there's no college over there. So yeah. 

I guess I'm so homesick is because I hate to be away from my family. I miss my family all the time and I need to be physically there with them. Phone calls are not sufficient for me, neither is video call. Maybe my extreme closeness with my family is due to the fact that I'm bullied before, and they're the only ones who stand by me and supporting me all the time while I'm down. I just... can't stand being away from them. I mean, yeah, friends are important too, but family will always be my number one. That's why it's so damn hard. So, so damn hard.

I don't think my homesickness will ever go away, like in forever. I already have eight months to adapt myself and I still can't do it, and I don't think I ever will. That's fine with me, I guess, because the longing to go home and that miserable feeling of missing them are reminders to me of how much I love them. Sounds bit creepy, but yeah. I'd rather have chronic homesickness than to not miss my family a single bit, because I know they miss me, too. And also because of that, I have the excuse of going home, haha.

Anyway, that's all for this post I guess. One urge to you guys out there who don't have homesickness or don't like the idea of going home too often: go home at least once a month. You may not miss your family, but your family sure misses you. I know some Asian families will be like "Oh, I don't miss you at all, go back and study" and most people will take it seriously that their family don't miss them at all. That's not true. My dad likes to say that to me, but the only motive of him saying that is try to make me less attach to home and concentrate on my studies. 

Your family misses you, and it couldn't hurt to take some time and travel back home. Who knows how much more time you're able to spend some quality time with your family? Ten years? Twenty years? That's a really short time, if you ask me, and that's what I hold onto, to spend as much time I can with my family so I won't regret it later in life.

Okay, I really need to get offline now. Or rather just end this blog post before my tears ruin my keyboard. God knows I'm not that rich to get another laptop. 

Till next time people.

xx