Being Single

Hello people! 

I'm currently not half-wrapped in my blanket with my laptop on one of the pillows, located comfortably on my lap, with air-conditioning keeping me cool and half-lying down on a mountain of pillows and blankets. In short, my usual lazy position when typing my blog post. Instead, like the olden days before I got my own laptop, I'm sitting in the middle of the living room upstairs in front of the computer table, where our good old PC is located. I can't expressed how much I missed this, sitting in front of this huge screen with my fingers stretching over this keyboard, and making extremely loud typing noise as I go. Really, trust me, unlike the silent tap of the laptop, each key of this keyboard will sink with a satisfying crunching sound as I pressed down. I love this sound so much. I mean, this gives me a satisfying feeling of writing that nothing can replace.

Anyway, enough of me being nostalgic again, let's get straight to the point.

Today, I'm feeling "bloggy" again (I'm pretty sure that's not a word) and I was thinking about what to write during the shower, and it stuck me that I can write about being single, and I kinda brushed off the idea because I felt like why on earth I wanna write about being single? That's so cliche, and that'll make me sounds so desperate to the rest of you guys. I went on thinking about other things that I can write, but this idea kinda stuck on me and I was like, fine, I gave up, do what you want. So yeah, that's pretty much why I'm sitting here writing this. 

I'm not being desperate or trying to sell myself out the all the single guys out there. No. Definitely no. I still have enough dignity and a lot of lessons learnt from all my friends who were involved in relationships that went wrong. And I'd been told by a lot of friends and family members to be patient for my time to come. Right. That's true, I guess. 

Being single for me is totally normal, since I haven't got into a relationship in ages. Most of my friends around me got into relationships and out of relationships, complaining that being in a relationship is so tough then ta-da, not after a few days, they're involved in a new relationship. It's completely normal for me to not get into a relationship during secondary school because I was enrolled into an all-girls school and I hardly went to any tuition to get to know any boys. Also, I didn't pay any attention to any of the guys in tuition classes I went to. I'm the kind of girl you'll refer as "antisocial", because really, I always avoid the crowd and most of the people I don't know.. which you guys may now know why I choose to blog and do YouTube videos, because this is indirect communication with people haha! 

A lot of my friends were asking me and being really concern about my relationship status nowadays (even more than before) because they think that I'll certainly get a boyfriend once I landed in college. Sorry to disappoint them, but no, I'm still free and single, but not really ready to mingle. I think most of the single people out there who remained single for too long can really relate to me when people starting to ask them to find a boyfriend/girlfriend, as if a partner is crucial for survival! It's totally okay to be single. No, and nothing's wrong with you, I swear. Like me, I feel perfectly fine being single, not lonely at all, just alone. There's ought to be a difference. Almost all the questions they asked will be like this "are there anyone who is currently wooing you?" or "did you have a crush on someone recently?" or "are there any hot guys around that you like?", and all my answers will be "no".  Sure, there'll certainly be a couple of guys that I admire, but develop into crushes? Well, there isn't any of them.

My friends have that misconception that in college where there're so many guys around (hot, talented, cute, whatsoever), there'll be at least one that'll be interested in me, or the other way round. I don't know if it's media or romance novels that make them think that way, that a girl being single that long will definitely find her one true love or one time fling during the most exciting time of her life, which is college. But the not-so-sad truth is that, most people are engaged with looks and the first thing they'll be finding in their boyfriend/girlfriend will be their looks. Of course inner beauty is important, too. But then, what do you see when you first land your eyes on other people? Their appearance. That's not being rude or anything, but that's just the plain truth that a lot of people don't want to accept. I did, and I accepted it with grace. It's totally okay if you can't find anybody because they can't fall for your appearance. And now you might say I don't look that bad, and it's maybe true, but there's a lot of hot girls in my school, and if I'm a guy, I'll definitely have my eyes on the prettier ones first, so I don't blame anyone for it. 

Now moving on to the case of inner beauty (or characteristics or personalities, whichever you prefer). A lot of people choose their boyfriend and girlfriend based on their awesome personalities and stuffs. My friend told me that, I have a good personality too, and that people will surely see that once they know me personally. It's true, but the problem is, I hardly mingle with people. I don't really make a lot of friends, I'm the kind of people who emphasize on quality instead of quantity of friends. So, in that case, how on earth people are going to get to really know me and like me based on that? It's impossible. 

I always joked about my crush is danisnotonfire (shame on you if you don't know him, go Google about him... just kidding, no shame but you can Google if you want). Well, it's not a joke. I do have a huge YouTube crush on him, but you know what I mean. My friends want me to regard their questions seriously, and I can't, because the truth is, I don't really like like anyone right now. Like I said before, I didn't mingle around a lot and I don't know a lot of guys. For me, if I don't have the right feeling about a guy, I won't consider him at all. And also, no one takes the initiative of wooing me or something. I know it's 21st century and girls can take the initiative: read my last sentence, I don't have any crushes now. It's really hard to find someone who can accept you for you, or to understand you, so you guys out there with a terrific boyfriend/girlfriend, be grateful. 

There's of course sometimes I wonder about what if I got a boyfriend, and wonder about the taste of being pursue by someone else, since I didn't really have a taste of it in my life. I wonder about how it'd be like falling in love with someone, being head over heels with him and all I can think about is him. It'll be wonderful at that point of time, but for me now, I feel a little bit... terrified by it. I have my plans and my goals which I planned to achieve without any distractions, aka a boyfriend. But there's really sometimes I feel like I want to get into a relationship like all the other girls around me, being wooed by somebody somehow. Whenever I have that kind of thoughts, I told myself stop day-dreaming and moving on with life, because my life so far has been pretty good without a boyfriend in my life. That doesn't stop me from wondering though. 

The truth is, I'm pretty insecure about how I look like (aka my appearance) and at some point of my life, I was convinced that I will never find anybody in my life because I looked so hideous, till no one will want me. And another point of my life (pretty close to now), I feel invisible to everybody. Perhaps it's that all my friends around me shine so bright till they covered up my little spark. I'm just the chubby, odd friend by my friends' side, and I pretty much got used to it. It's my role, I was so deeply convinced. That's why for a very long time in my life (and sometimes now when the black hole is hovering over me) I believed that I'll remain single for the rest of my life, and perhaps live with 1209874756847 doggies and 10237978645098 cats and sexay horses. Perhaps I'll live in a farm. Hmm.

Back to the point. 

Even though I have my fair share of time wondering about how it'll feel like being in a relationship, I definitely enjoy the perks of being single. Like how I can use my already-so-little spare time doing what I like and also have more time for my friends and family. It's true the saying that once you got into a relationship, you'll lose two of your close friends. A couple friends I have are involved in relationships and it's true that they don't have as much time as they had before for other people now. Most of their time are devoted into their other halves, video-calling each other all the time, always on phone calls, or just can't shut up about how perfect their relationships are. Hello, single people here, attention please. I totally get that their attentions must be fully on their "baby" and "honey" but keep in mind who had your back before your "baby" and "honey" had them. Just don't be too overboard, that's more than sufficient for me. 

Also being single makes me have a clearer view on others' relationships and how they work. Well, you know the kind of people who always give relationship advice and they themselves are still single? Well yeah... I'm one of them. Throughout almost all my life, people always asked for advice regarding relationship problems and stuffs from me, even though I'm single, because my answers make the most sense. Not that I'm being too smart or too rationale, but compared to their blindness by love, I guess I'm pretty expert in those stuffs. Hmm, it might be interesting when I get in love and need their advice because I'm too blind to see by then. It might be weird, I guess. 

Another thing is that, I see how my friends got hurt in relationships, and even got cheated by some sort of jerk! I'm really appalled. When you get into a relationship, you trust the other person, and seeing that trust being broken that easily... it isn't easy. The guy who seemed so nice and wonderful is actually a monster you never even dreamed of before. It's terrifying. Maybe that's why sometimes I hate the idea of being in a relationship. It requires commitment and trust and love and time, whereas I kinda have trust issues with people. I don't easily trust people, and when I do, I really do trust them. That's why I don't wanna get hurt by trusting other people, because it'll affect me a lot. Like, literally, a lot. 

I can't believe I just wrote an entire blog post about me being single and how I feel about it. I'm usually really private about these stuffs.. but well, it didn't hurt to tell you guys this. Also, this helps me to clear up things to my friends, that I really didn't lie to them or being modest when I said I'm not being wooed or like anyone now in my life. 

And also *here's the time for bullshit conclusion* for you guys who are single out there, don't feel sad being single! Be happy about it and appreciate it! I mean once you got married or get into a permanent relationship, you'll never ever be single again, and being able to taste what single and freedom feels like anymore. Also, it's important to learn to love yourself before you learn to love other people. Very cliche, I know. But I guess it must be true because once you love yourself, you'll start to shine and people will view you as attractive and positive. And most importantly, just follow your heart. When your heart doesn't flutters when you're with this guy, don't continue, or simply pick a guy as your boyfriend just because you don't want to be single. It's really unfair to the guy and you, as you both deserve the happiness that'll come soon after. 

If your heart says yes to the guy, go for it, but at the same time, take care of your heart and yourself, so that you won't get hurt that bad. 

...

Gosh, I sounded like a mom or something. No wonder my friends asked me for relationship advice. I sounded pretty... whatever, let's get over with it. 

Something out of the point. I'm going to get a haircut tomorrow (or rather today, since it's over midnight now) and cut off all my loose curls and long hair. I'm looking forward to it and at the same time missing my long hair. My hair is so long that it reaches my belly button and almost touching my bottom! That's really long and really, it's time to say goodbye.

If I'm feeling "bloggy" again tomorrow, I shall blog about it. For now, I'm going to go chill and get some sleep.

Till next time people! 

xx