Not many people know about this (and I surely don't go around and tell everyone I know) but I sort of have a secret talent. That is... (drum rolls please) ... song writing!!
Yes, like I said before, I can't live without writing. Take away my pen, you'll take away my soul (okay, now it's too dramatic, but still). I can just sit down and write all day long, and that explains why my butt is so huge. It seems boring to some people, that how can I be content just sitting there and live in my own little world? Well, good thing about writing and thinking too much, you create a world of your own where nobody can enter or relate to. That's kinda cool, you know.
Anyway, back to the song-writing business. I started writing songs back when I was thirteen. You know how people say there's no originality in this world? That we only take others' stuffs and make it better and your own? Well, that's how my first song started. And blimey, it was horrible (except for the chorus part). Back then "Mine" by Taylor Swift was just a new song, and I got addicted to it since the radio played it like two hundred times a day (joking, NOT). It got stuck in my head and I thought, hey, wouldn't it be nice if I can write something that's cool enough for people to sing? That's how I started. And I don't think I have to mention that the only bearable part in that song--which is the chorus--sounded almost the same as "Mine"'s chorus? Or... I guess I just did. I just twisted it a little, and yeah, I'm (look, I use present tense) not exactly happy with myself. One thing about me: I go with my feelings. And if my guts say no, I won't say yes. So I never ever sing that song ever again, and it's still a few pieces of crumpled papers in my file.
I wrote a few more, but I still didn't feel right. It's like something is missing from them, but back then I don't know what. I do now. I can't produce good and right songs back then because I'm writing songs that I couldn't relate to. It's like I'm writing songs because I want to write songs, not because I feel like writing songs. It's a huge difference when you insert your feelings into songs.
So last year, I pick up song-writing back randomly and for absolutely no reason at all. I was just sitting in the car with the radio on on the way to school, and then I forgot what song I heard, but that song triggered some feelings inside me, and I started to feel something. Some notes formed in my head and I quickly took out my writing pad and scribbled down the melody and some lyrics I managed to think of. Then I started to doodle on the writing pad, trying very very hard to finish that song. And when I push myself really hard, only shit comes out (sorry but I can't find any other words more suitable than shit to describe that). Of course I was frustrated and thought that maybe I was not suitable in song-writing. And that song is still buried somewhere in the corner.
But then after the first test in Form Four, I got a C for my Chinese test and I was devastated because Chinese and writing are very important to me. (Long story, if you want to check it out, you can go through some of my old posts, there'll be something in them telling you why.) I was struggling. I was naturally a coward when facing the things I like. I don't dare to think of criticisms and that really blew hard on me. I was considering dropping Chinese and focus on my English Literature and keep my subjects into 10. I even typed out the letter and almost handed up to the principal, that I was going to drop Chinese. And I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do that. And emotions swelled and stirred inside of me, and some melody formed in my head. That's when I know I have to write them down. And I don't know how, two songs were produced and I really feel them. That's when I got a clear file and placed those two songs in it, and began my song-writing journey.
Most of my songs are my personal experience, and some of them are just my fantasies or stories. Some of them do suck, but I don't give up by now. And I don't push myself too hard, either. I only write when I feel it, and my highest record (not to brag) was writing five songs in a day. Whoa, I guess I was overwhelmed that day. But most of the days now I don't have to feel to write, but it's better that I feel the song, so it'll be better, but still. I wrote a song named "War" doesn't mean that I really been through a war, do I?
I sometimes feel like crap when I don't get a song right, or write a song in ten versions but still don't get it right. Or even write tons of songs, but none of them really got passed my guts. It's frustrating to have failures, but I know success will be even sweeter after. Of course I still have my moments of doubts, like when someone listened to my song they just nodded somberly without saying a word, or someone's doing other things when they're listening. That's when I'll question myself whys. Eventually, I decided I don't have to torture myself in this way. People are different and I can't expect everyone to like my songs. But it still hurt that time when my mom said my song was horrible (laughs).
I know this is a very long post, but this is sort of a making up because I haven't post anything new lately (or so for quite a long time). If you finish reading all these stuffs up there, I'm really impressed you have the patience and endurance. Thank you so much (??).
What I really hope is that I can finally be brave and share my songs either on YouTube or Sound Cloud or something. But... yeah, I'm still not courageous to do that. Hopefully in the future you guys can finally listen to some of my songs.
(And I really hope you'll like them... in the future, when I have the guts)
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